What's So Scary About Antarctica??

I don't know how this blog is going to come out in the end. I have a lot on my mind and those who know me know that things can get pretty jumbled up in there at times. But anyways, yesterday I saw a poll that caught my eye and I started just thinking about it. I never really came to a conclusion about how it would fit into this blog because, like I said, I have a lot on my mind and I ended up moving on to something else before I could think it through. But here is the question posed:

What is the most frightening thing about being in Antarctica?

Now that probably seems like just a stupid random question but hold on a minute! Here were the choices for the answer:

a) Complete Isolation
b) -60 degrees Celsius temperatures, or
c) 100+ MPH snowstorms

Can you guess what most people said? I had to answer of course before I could see what everyone else said and it took me just a moment to decide between two of the answers. Here is how my train of thought was going:

Well, the temperature being low doesn't really bother me because I can just stay inside and watch movies or bake cookies or, well, whatever. So the answer is not b. Hmmm, right now I wish I could go to Antarctica so I could get away from all this cr*p I'm dealing with right now so I guess I would be most afraid of the snowstorm. Ay ay ay, wait a minute... the snowstorm is really dangerous and scary but if I had someone with me to be scared with, we could deal with it. And I could always get away from the cr*p in a nice place like Cancun. MAN what is the answer?! Wait! Like I said, I could deal with anything if I had someone with me so I guess the thing I would be afraid of is being alone. So the answer for me is a) isolation!!

So I picked answer "a" and guess what? So did 43% of the people who took the poll. 33% said the cold temperature (go figure) and only 24% said they would be afraid of the 100+ MPH snowstorm. Being isolated, alone, all by yourself, deserted, abandoned, solitary, unaccompanied, on your own. Whatever word you use, not having anyone else around - ever - is a frightening thing. I mean, there are times when you need some solitude or just some peace and quiet. A song came to my mind. I'm not a huge Kelly Clarkson fan but she has a song called "Since You've Been Gone" and it really kind of sums up all of our feelings sometimes. It says:

"Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again and again
Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time.
I'm moving on"

I went through a long period of time where I felt loneliness set in every day and I couldn't figure out how to be happy by myself. And then there was a time in my life where I felt like I was so shut in by another person that I would die if I didn't get some space. And now I've finally gotten to the place where I feel like I am actually breathing for the first time. I'm finally ready to move along in life and enjoy the people who come in and out of it. I really enjoy my family and friends and I don't know what God has in store for me in the future. Maybe it is a forever-friend (aka. husband, yikes!) or maybe it is a child from another mother (adoption?). For now I'm enjoying my solitude and have learned that isolation is a scary thing, not a safe thing. I never want to go to Antarctica but if I ever have to, I hope you'll go with me!!

You Can Run, But You Can Not Hide!!

As I was doing my daily Bible study for my FP4H group, something I have been thinking about was reinforced to me. I have always loved this Psalm, but it was the latter part of the Psalm that I loved the most. However, I have now come to love the first part of it just as much. Here it is:

Psalm 139
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.

Now, at one time this part of the Psalm scared the pants off me! If God sees everything I do, then I can't do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it. I can't go just anywhere or do anything. I can't say just whatever pops into my head and I can't even think stuff because verse 2 says that "You understand my thoughts afar off." And who wants someone constantly hanging over their shoulder, so to speak, and reading their mind?! So, no, I wasn't too thrilled with this part of the chapter. However, I have come to realize that when I started striving to do what God wanted me to do, expected me to do, I was grateful that He saw me and knew my thoughts and desires and the intent of my heart. Lining up with God and His Word brings great blessings. Let me explain what I mean.

For some time I have been desiring a house. I'm tired of apartment living with the noise, the gymnast up above me and the man and his wife below me, yelling at all hours of the night. I'm tired of having to throw money away each month for something that is never going to be mine. So I started looking. And looking. And looking! Thank God for knowing my desires, my thoughts, and my goings and comings. He saw me going to my favorite store (Target) almost every Saturday. He heard me conversing with my accountability partner every week, confessing our struggles, both emotionally and spiritually. He saw me going to supervision at a certain Starbucks every Tuesday where I am guided through the process of becoming a good counselor. And He knew my thoughts when I was hesitant to move to a house that was far from all of the things that I love so much. So guess what?!! He put me in a place that was right across the street from Target (as well as Marshall's and Bath & Body Works)! And the house is also right down the street from that certain Starbucks where I have supervision! And it is also close to my accountability partner so it will be convenient to continue meeting! And it is closer to my parents. And it has a place where Tug can call his own (a back yard, lol). I know a house is a material thing, but it was what I desired and God knew. He also protected me from getting what was not the best because he saw the places I frequent and He knew the desires of my heart.

On a deeper level, I'm sure there are many things that I don't know about and many situations where I need guidance. It is awesome to know that God is there. It's not that I have to call Him to come, He is already there and knows all about it!! No longer am I put off by this Scripture. I am comforted in knowing that God knows all about me and has His hand on me, no matter what.

New House!

This is the foundation of my actual house

I have been looking at houses for a long time. Well, it seems like a long time. I actually only started looking in June but I have looked at a ton of houses! Some of them, I walked in and walked right back out. Some of them were just OK. I even bid on one that was beautiful but I didn't get it. Finally, I just told my realtor that I was tired of looking and I would just wait until next year or whenever I had the funds to get what I wanted. However... at the 11th hour my realtor called and asked if I would be willing to look at just one more house. Actually, I couldn't even look at it because it isn't built yet. It is a brand new house! I looked at a model home, one just like the one being built and it was BEAUTIFUL ~ exactly what I was looking for all along. The home builders are paying my closing costs and buying down the points so that I will have a super-low interest rate and lower monthly payments. Folks, I am moving into a brand new home for almost the same price as I am renting my apartment! Today I picked out the ceramic tile for the floor and backsplash, carpet and counter tops. It is amazing how God always gives us better than what we are expecting!

This is what my house will look like when it is finished!

I Slept Beside My Mom Last Night ~

When I was in Bible School, I vividly remember some things that happened during some of the classes. There were several funny incidents (which I may share later) but this one came to my mind today. My teacher had just read a verse that stated, "but God, who is rich in mercy..." and then he looked up and proclaimed with great feeling, "Oh, don't you just love that word 'but'!" Of course the worst of us heard "Don't you just love that word 'butt'!" and spent the remainder of the class time stifling giggles. And sometimes I think God uses those stupid little incidents to burn things into our minds because today that day came back to me and all I could think of was God and His great mercy. The verse goes like this:

Ephesians 2:3-6 - we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus...

And God truly is great in His mercy. This weekend I took Friday off to catch up on some errands and just get some rest. On Sunday morning my mom called and was on her way to the hospital where she stayed until midnight. At that time the hospital released her and I brought her home. I laid down beside her and it was then that she told me that the nurse had given her a double dose of her pain medicine. Consequently, her oxygen levels went low and each time she started to go to sleep the monitor would wake her up because she wasn't breathing properly. Keep in mind that she told me this after we arrived home and were laying in bed with NO monitors to alert us if she were breathing or not. My mother lay there talking and it was fine with me because I thought, "As long as she is talking, I know she is breathing." Then at some point she wound down, patted me on the shoulder and said, "Good night, Darlin'." Several times during the night I propped myself up on my elbow and watched for the rise and fall of her chest and strained my ears to hear if she was breathing. And several times she still was. And then sometime in the morning I woke up and berated myself for falling so deep into sleep. But God! In His great mercy, He kept her safe. Each time in the Bible when you see the words "But God" they come after a calamity that could have happened. And each time God stepped in and changed things around. I probably didn't even have to stay awake as much as I did, worrying and looking and listening. We had a rough couple of days but God in His great mercy brought us through it. And we are trusting that He will take us the rest of the way.

I'm not here, I've gone... CRAZY!

I haven't written on my blog in quite some time. Part of it is due to lack of inspiration and part of it is sheer exhaustion from the crazy schedule I've been keeping lately. First of all, I've been looking for a house to buy and the process is longer and more difficult than I ever imagined! It all started out fun but now I'm really ready for it to be over! Secondly, to pay for all the extra expenses that come with buying a house I've been working as much overtime as possible, plus working a second job. Then there is LPC supervision that comes around once per week. You would think it was no big deal to meet with someone for one hour, one time per week but it actually takes an act of God to reach my supervisor on the phone in order to decide on the time and place to meet. Then last weekend there was the premarital seminar I helped out with. And my dog, Tug, and laundry and dishes, etc. etc. etc!
They say an idle mind is the devil's playground (or something like that). If that is the case, then he will just have to find somewhere else to go play because my mind is all full up right now. Which brings me to my next point... you knew there had to be one. If I'm too busy for the devil, what about God?? Is there enough time or space for Him?? I think it is time to do a little bit of priority rearranging!! In order to keep my sanity and give God the time He is worthy of, I've come up with this list of things that have to change. Please let me know if you have any more suggestions:

1) Pray and read my Bible before anything else and believe that God will give me that time back and prepare me for the day ahead.
2) Turn off the phone when I go to bed and don't turn it on again until I've had time to wake up, had my talk with God.
3) Stop spending so much time on Facebook!! That stupid farm is taking up too much of my time!! I have to set myself a limit.
4) Stop looking for a church until I am settled into my new home. (This one has a lot attached to it that I won't go into right now). 

Hopefully this will bring me back from the edge of crazyville. If you have any other tips or suggestion, PLEASE, send them on in!!