Wednesday, December 16, 2009

This Season...

It has been a long time since I have written anything or even felt like writing anything. Because, when I write, I want it to be truthful and honest. For the past two months I did not want to write anything because I knew if it was honest, it would come out sounding sinister and sad. Who wants to read something like that? The truth is, I was fired from my job because of my own horrible decision-making. I was going to say "stupidity" but it wasn't because I'm not stupid. I simply made some wrong turns because I started thinking with my emotions instead of with my brain. And then I didn't want to be around people because I felt like they were either judging me or pitying me, neither of which I wanted. I isolated myself and even stopped taking phone calls for a while. I've also been looking for a job ever since with no luck, bills piling up, and a house payment coming due soon. I guess you could say I was beating myself up daily as much as anyone else was.
Then Christmas started creeping up. I know, I know! Jesus is the reason for the season and I believe that with all my heart. I just don't like the idea of not giving gifts to everyone around me, especially when I know there are those who will straight-out ask me, "What did you get me this year?" So instead of expecting someone else to foot the bill for my Christmas cookie exchange, I cancelled it. Instead of buying gifts for everyone, I bought for the ones closest to me and was done with it. And I was quite disgusted with the whole season - even the carols!
Then recently I got an email from a missionary. I've always had a heart for missions and was truly blessed when I heard from her. She stated that she was coming home for a while and said if I had any prayer requests to let her know. I told her I was looking for a job and this is what she replied to me:
Hi Jennifer, Yes, honey, I will definitely be in prayer for your new job. Remember, things always look bleak just before God comes thru. In fact, some of us around here call him Jehova "nickatime". I, too, hate waiting, unfortunately I think that must be my middle name. Might you be needing a rest? Or while you are working your parttime job, can you finish moving in, or do you need to do some "staying before the Lord" time? When you can come to a decision on why the Lord may be asking you to wait, then obey what you think He is saying, soon you can say "Thank you Lord for giving me the guidance I need and opening the doors I need to walk thru." Hey, you're the one who is the counselor...but I always try to give what the Lord shows me. Have a wonderful Christmas.
When she asked, "Might you be needing a rest?" I thought about how I had been off work for two months already. However, I honestly had not been resting. Not resting in the Lord or resting in any other way. I have been scurrying and worrying and, honestly, I haven't gotten much accomplished but I'm truly exhausted! Then she said, "Can you finish moving in?" How did she know that I still have boxes packed up and things laying here and there? Did she realize that I get up every day and feel frustrated with these things just half-way done? But the real kicker is when she said, "Do you need to do some 'staying before the Lord' time?" Honestly (and we are being honest here) I need a lot of "staying before the Lord time." The truth is that it is very difficult for me to go before God when I know I've messed up. And if I can't admit to Him that I've messed up, how can I ask Him to help me out??
I've read and re-read that email this week. I know that, just as she said, the Lord did show her those things. It made me really start to think. God told her what he wanted me to know because I was too stubborn to face Him. Yet He still wanted me to come and stay before Him. He still wants me no matter who else doesn't. He wants me (and you!) so much today that, a long time ago, He sent His Son as a baby to redeem us from every bad decision, every sin, everything. And that truly is reason enough for me to do some "staying before the Lord" time right now. Today I stopped scurrying and worrying and got honest with God so that I could prepare myself for what is to come. Today the Christmas Season came alive to me again and I am excited to see what happens next!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I'm Still Here!

It has been a very long time since I posted anything. It has been a long dry spell and I struggled to come up with something but I couldn't. I guess I had too many other things on my mind. It probably seemed like I had dropped right off the face of the earth and at one point I just wished I could. But now I am feeling better and thought I would just let you all know I'm still alive and kicking! It is a Saturday night ~ well, actually very early Sunday morning. It has been a long time since I crawled out of bed this... er... yesterday morning and I am going to go now and get some much needed rest. I promise to make time tomorrow to let you know what has been going on in my world for the past month or so. Until then ~ Good Night world!