Saturday, September 3, 2011

Just Stop ~

I don't have anything special in mind today to write about. I haven't been mulling over something that struck me like I normally do. Even so, my heart is full of a lot of things. Things that don't seem to go together in a story or an article and probably will not make sense but I have to get them out all the same.
We all know that hard things change people and either shape them or break them. A couple of years ago I faced something that almost broke me but, over time, I let it shape me a little bit. This year, I faced something that has shaped me. And the difference is, I didn't fight it. I accepted it and decided to trust God no matter what. Maybe it's because that was really the only option but, all the same, I did it willingly.
I have spent the last I-don't-know-how-many years working and working and working. Every minute was tied up trying to make ends meet and, to be truthful, I was wearing out. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. But still, I made myself keep going because that is what I thought I had to do. I can't lose anything, I can't go backwards, I can't stop, I can't give in, I can't look like a fool, etc, etc, etc.  And then everything came to a screeching halt. I found out I had a tumor and would have to be off work for 2 weeks. Well, I took 8 days instead of 10 because I really thought I didn't have the time to fully recover. Then I found out my tumor was really cancer and I would have to do radiation. In my head I thought, "No big deal, let's get this done. I have to get back to work so I can make ends meet." Amidst all of the side-effects that come along with radiation treatments, I was determined to keep going and I didn't want to take off work.
God had other plans.
At some point, I had to give up. Not just physically but also in every other way as well. It is noble to keep fighting in the face of adversity. It really is. But sometimes, it is more noble to let it all go and admit that you can't. That is exactly where I found myself. I can't go to work because I can't perform my job well. I can't pay my bills because I now have medical bills that outweigh those other ones. I can't cook my own meals because nothing sounds good and everything makes me feel sick. I may as well go to bed.
So I did. I threw in the towel and went to bed. I wasn't depressed. Just very, very tired. I really had no other choice but to slow down. Well, not so much slow down, but just stop.

I just realized that there are so many things I've been missing. I've been missing the quiet time of just doing nothing. At all. I've been missing time with God. I've been missing how it is to pray for my friends and family like I should. I've missed the times of reflection instead of worry. I've really missed hanging out with friends. Just been trying to fix it all myself and never NEVER give up.
But Wednesday night on the way home, after I asked the little guy at Chicken Express for some mashed potatoes "and that's all" and then waited, trying not to throw up - I realized - I can't do this. I was never meant to do this. So I decided then and there: I can't make it to the meeting at church tonight, I can't make it to work tomorrow, I can't make it to my part-time job, and I can't make the bills go away. And I don't care because I just can't. Not anymore. So I gave up. I went home and went to bed and slept until 1pm the next day.
When I got up the next day, I still felt horrible physically but also felt a genuine peace that everything is going to be alright because I don't have to fix everything. Yes, I did mess a lot of things up, which is probably why I felt like I had to fix it too. But at some point, it is about grace and forgiveness, not making things even. Grace and forgiveness - two things I have been unable unwilling to give to myself. I'm not saying this is the sole purpose that I ended up with cancer. I'm not sure what the whole purpose of it is. But if having to endure that is what it took to give myself a break, then I'll take it gladly. God and I are good with each other now. 
There's not way to wrap up this blog. So, that's all I have to say for now. 

1 comment:

  1. Jennifer, cancer is a very heavy burden. Your attitude and feelings are O.K.....been there....where you are at and it is a difficult place to be still....I could not run from cancer , so, I fought as a soldier would fight...for my life. Grace is free as well as forgiveness. Wish I could lighten your burden.