Saturday, July 31, 2010
Before I got fired from my last job (yes, I said fired) I kind of lived in a psuedo-world of my own. I actually looked up the word "psuedo" after I had already used it here and it said, "not genuine but having the appearance of." That was the adjective form of the word. The noun form of psuedo is far more harsh: "faker, imposter, role player, sham, pretender, fraud, fake, beguiler, cheater, deceiver, trickster, slicker, - someone who leads you to believe something that is not true." Well good grief! You may as well call me the devil! Raise your hand if you are also a Psuedo (pronounced soo'-do). Well if you didn't raise your hand then you are definitely a psuedo too. To some extent we all are. I know there are some of you saying right now, "No! I'm really real! What you see is what you get!" Well good for you. Either you are lying or you have figured out something that has taken me all of my life to get.
In one of my last blogs I said that I had not written anything in a while because I feel I should only write something if it is truthful. For the last however-many months I have been searching for what is really the truth about myself. Searching = silent blog.
One of the first things I realized is that I have been living to please everyone other than myself or God. It's true. Oh, it was great if I pleased God in the process and even greater if I was also pleased. But mostly I just wanted to be cared for and accepted. It was a constant struggle between what I wanted, what others wanted, and what God wanted.
Secondly, and this may surprise some of you, I don't know God all that well. I've read about Him, studied Him, wrote about Him. I even went to Bible school and Seminary hoping that would be enough to prove how tight God and I are. Thing is, it ticks me off how many "God-hoops" I've actually jumped through to keep my psuedo-world orderly and intact.
So anyhow, like I was saying, that is where I lived before I got fired. You see, a psuedo-world can only hold up for so long until it starts to crumble. You have to make a decision as to what is more important. Is it really worth the effort to keep supporting and building up your psuedo-world? Or is it better to go through the pain of letting it fall down around you and be exposed? Sometimes there is not even a choice. In my case, I believe that God allowed that world to come crashing down. When I got fired, it was a turning point in my life. I could either get up and build a different world or I could hold on to the rubble and keep building among the ruins. I chose to get up out of the ruins and build something different. I don't know what it is or what it will become but for once in my life I know what passion is. Yes, it is scary but it is also wonderful. Who knows what I may let you in on next...