My Eyes are on You ~

This past week was a doozy. Actually the past couple of months have been full of doozies but I have neglected my blog for so long that you never would have known if I hadn't just now told you. I know that everyone has troubles and I'm not going to sit here and tell you all of mine. It was just your usual stuff - finances, relationships, job issues, that kind of stuff. Stuff that probably everyone faces in a lifetime, if not daily. Then a couple of months ago, a few days before Thanksgiving, I had this mystery rash that appeared. You would think that is a minor thing, it sounds like it to me. Just put some cream or ointment on it and get over it, right? But that was not the case. I had this rash that covered my entire body except for the bottom of my feet and my face. It was even on the palms of my hands. Over two months I  have been to the ER twice, I have seen my family doctor, an internist, a dermatologist, a psychiatrist, and an allergist. I have been prescribed at least 10 different medications. I have taken oatmeal baths, baking soda baths, and even purchased the ridiculously expensive lotion that was suggested which didn't even have the decency to smell nice. I bought scentless/colorless laundry detergent and washed all of my bedding and clothing. I spent quite a bit of money trying to figure all of this out.

At around the 1-month mark the rash part went away. No more hives on my back and butt and no more speckles on my arms and legs. The only thing remaining was the itch. Just imagine that you are clothed entirely in wool. I mean wool socks, wool underwear, wool bra - you get the idea. I don't know if you are sensitive to wool but I am and it feels like thousands of pins pricking me at the same time, here and there, all over my body.

So the ordinary stuff coupled with this horrendous itching has been biting at my heels for close to 2 solid months now. Then last week I was at work and I noticed I was breaking out in speckles and hives again. That's why I said last week was a doozy. When you think you have almost beaten something and then it crops up again, it has a huge impact. I know it isn't as bad as what some people have. No, I'm not battling with cancer or some other life-threatening illness and praise God for that. But after itching and hurting for almost 2 months straight and then thinking it was almost over, it was the last straw. I have a low pain tolerance and apparently I have a low itch tolerance too and this was putting me over the edge.

One day I was reading a book my aunt gave me for Christmas. The book had nothing to do with what I'm talking about now but there was one line in the book that sparked my interest. It quoted a verse in II Chronicles:

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You."

Something snapped when I read that line and I knew I had to look it up in its context. I don't know all that much about Jehoshaphat and I spent a good part of any spare time each day learning. Come to find out, Jehoshaphat was a godly king, the King of Judah. He was at peace with all of those around him, he had a big army and was prosperous, and had put everything in his kingdom back in order. He was an all-around good guy with the exception of a couple of mistakes which any one of us could have made. Then one day, for some reason I have yet to find out, the Moabites, Ammonites, and Me-unites all decided to gang up on him and attack him. It was a vast army, many more than Jehoshaphat's army had the power to face. In a round-about way, Jehoshapat questioned God.

“But now here are men from Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir, whose territory you would not allow Israel to invade when they came from Egypt; so they turned away from them and did not destroy them. See how they are repaying us by coming to drive us out of the possession you gave us as an inheritance." 

But they all stood before the Lord -  the men, their wives and their children with their eyes upon God. And God told them that the battle was not theirs. And Jehoshaphat instructed them to sing to God and praise Him for the splendor of His holiness. And the people did and guess what they found when they reached the battle ground?

"The Ammonites and Moabites rose up against the men from Mount Seir to destroy and annihilate them. After they finished slaughtering the men from Seir, they helped to destroy one another. When the men of Judah came to the place that overlooks the desert and looked toward the vast army, they saw only dead bodies lying on the ground; no one had escaped."

The armies had all killed each other and Jehoshaphat's people didn't lift a finger! Not only that, but the loot they found there was too much for them and it took them three days to get it all!

After reading this, I have to believe that God is going to fight my battles for me. My finances are a mess and I am still itching like crazy. There are days that I worry so much I think I might be sick and I need to give those over to Him. I have resolved to do my best to give these battles to Him, to sing to Him and praise Him for all that He is. Otherwise, I do not know what to do, but my eyes are on Him!

Keep Going and Don't Look Back ~

This is officially the last day of the year, tomorrow will be 2011. For the past couple of years I have made a timeline and posted all of the good (and some not so good) things that have happened throughout the year. I can truly say that this has been one of the toughest years for me to get through. I'm sad that the year is over only because I wanted it to end on a great note and time ran out too soon. So, instead of posting all of God knows what, I've decided that this time I'm going to look mostly forward instead of back. 

I've heard a lot of great sayings about not looking back, putting things in the past, moving forward. They aren't just words that someone said on a whim. I would be willing to bet that most of them came about because of an experience someone had that they wish they hadn't. Here are a few of them: 

"One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us."  ~Michael Cibenko"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." ~Euripides, Alexander


"Would you keep a chive on your tooth just because you enjoyed last night's potato?" ~From the television show Boston Common


"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post." ~L. Thomas Holdcroft

"It's but little good you'll do a-watering the last year's crops." ~George Eliot, Adam Bede


"Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causing you to bump into people not going your way."  ~Edna Ferber


"If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today."  ~Author Unknown


"Our past is like a footprint.  It only confirms we were there.  No burden on our future does it bear."  ~Jeb Dickerson


"Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last one is my favorite and, Oh how I wish I could live it every day! Ralph Waldo Emerson was actually rephrasing something that had been said many years before, whether he knew it or not.

Philippians 3:13

"I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before..."

So 2010 is another year gone by. It's time to move on and plan for the future, reach for the things that are ahead. My one New Year's Resolution is that I would not spend all of my time struggling and working but that I would spend more of it with my family and friends, doing things that matter. Nurture my relationship with God. Participate in more events that are worthy of picture-taking. Make new friends. Visit old friends. Smell the roses. Enjoy the coffee. Don't give people more of me than they deserve. Say NO. Say YES! Get caught up in some things. Get over some things. Get a hold on some things. Let go of regrets. Forget the past and move on. 

~ Welcome 2011! ~

He Knows What We Need ~

I have been keeping something to myself all this week. I wanted to savor it and remember it in my head all on my own for a while before I shared it with anyone else. You may think that you can hide your thoughts and feelings from God but that is where you are wrong. And just when you need Him most, He will meet you in the oddest of ways and leave you with your mouth hanging open in awe.

So I work the odd shift from 10:30 a.m. to 7 p.m. From 5:30 to 7 I am all alone and I usually spend this time finishing up with work, answering phone, sometimes I write or find other ways to make the time pass. The volunteers in the information booth go home for the day and I automatically become the information booth as well. It is also during this time that my mind has the chance to wander to places it shouldn't. Places filled with worry about the future, doubt about myself and my capabilities, regret about the past, and a host of things that I battle with almost daily.

On this particular day I had taken that dark path again and was thinking of how I got to where I am now. A deep sense of regret and despair began to wash over me as I thought about what could have been, how life could have been easier for me, how I would not have to struggle with money or wonder about the future. I was thinking about all kinds of crazy things when a man came rushing up to my desk pushing a wheelchair. He asked me where the restroom is and all I had time to do was point in the direction before he took off running, shouting over his shoulder for me to please watch his wheelchair.

A short time later he came back and apologized and told me how embarrassed he was. I told him it was ok and said that I was sure he'd had a long drive. I never intended to have a conversation with him. It's not that I minded him talking to me but I just had so much on my mind. But then this is where the story took a turn and he said to me, 

"You know, eight months ago I lost my job. I had a good job and was a supervisor at a good company and suddenly I was out of work. I looked everywhere for a job and I was thinking how I have degrees and education and that I really should have a decent job. But no, that is not what God had in mind. So I applied for this job, transporting patients from here to there and I believe that God is using me in this way because if He did not have a plan, He would not have me doing this job. So I said, Ok God, if you want me to drive this van, then I will do it. I have a roof over my head. My daughters have not gotten pregnant and my sons have not impregnated anyone. I have a good wife and the bills are paid. God has provided for me and it might not be what I had in mind but it is His plan so this is what I do. And I thank God every day that He knows what I need."

And then he looked at me and said, 

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I just told you all of that."

And as I picked my chin up off the floor I was trying hard not to let the tears out from under my eyelids. I told him, "You have no idea... thank you so much for what you said." I have been struggling and wondering and questioning all of my circumstances for so long. Like him, I have an education and degrees and what an embarrassment to not be using them. Was it all for nothing? I had looked for work for so long and was so discouraged. Even now I could not see that I was blessed. I had a roof over my head, friends, a job, and so many more things. Maybe it wasn't what I had envisioned for myself at one time. Even so, God knows what I need better than I do.

As he was getting ready to walk away from my desk he looked at me and said, 

"You know what Jennifer? I'm going to pray for you. God knows what you need."

Since that time he has come back by a couple of times on his way to fetch a patient. He tells me that now when he prays at night he simply says, "And God, remember Jenny." He says that is all it takes because God knows already what I need. I wanted to keep this precious moment to myself, just between God and me. But now it is time to share it. Sometimes our situation, our circumstances, our station in life is not what we think it should be. But God knows better what we need.

You Can Have Me ~

I was on my way to work one day recently when a song came on the radio. I haven't listened to the radio in quite some time. I figure that with all the noise in my head lately, I don't have to put up with even more of it. So maybe everyone else has already heard this song by Sidewalk Prophets (one of my new favorites). It's called "You Can Have Me" and the first line goes like this:

"If I saw you on the street..."

So I started thinking about if I actually saw Jesus walking down the street in jeans and a T-shirt. And sandals, of course. I mean, we talk about "We shall see Jesus" and "I can only imagine" but forget all the golden streets and harps and glistening hilltops for a moment. Just pretend you are walking around at Sundance Square or Times Square, or whatever the square is called where you live, and Jesus walks up to to you in the flesh. (Nevermind the question of how you would know it's Him, that's a whole other blog). The next line in the songs says,

"And You said come and follow me..."

I don't know about you but I started asking myself if I really knew Him well enough to just up and follow Him. After all, He is not just some guy on the street, He's Jesus Christ - God. It is one thing to think of falling on your face before God as He shines in all of His glory and majesty. Its quite another for Him to walk up to you in street clothes.

I'm not trying to "dumb down" God. I feel horrible even saying it that way. I do not want to withhold any respect that is due Him or belittle the awe that I know I will feel when I see Him in the flesh some day. However, I have been thinking deeply for the past few days about how to be more personal and intimate with God. It is inconceivable to me that the Maker of the universe would even know my name, much less want to hang out with me.
I am longing to know the God that I can go to with everything and anything. The one that isn't "way up there" looking at me way down here.  I want to follow Him and just sit and converse and laugh with Him and lean on Him tell Him all of my secrets and fears. I want desperately to be able to say "You can have me" but somewhere along the way I misplaced my trust and can't seem to find it again.  But I will keep searching and trying and I believe that in time I will be able to give Him all of me.

Psuedo-What?

Before I got fired from my last job (yes, I said fired) I kind of lived in a psuedo-world of my own. I actually looked up the word "psuedo" after I had already used it here and it said, "not genuine but having the appearance of." That was the adjective form of the word. The noun form of psuedo is far more harsh: "faker, imposter, role player, sham, pretender, fraud, fake, beguiler, cheater, deceiver, trickster, slicker, - someone who leads you to believe something that is not true." Well good grief!  You may as well call me the devil! Raise your hand if you are also a Psuedo (pronounced soo'-do). Well if you didn't raise your hand then you are definitely a psuedo too.  To some extent we all are. I know there are some of you saying right now, "No! I'm really real! What you see is what you get!" Well good for you. Either you are lying or you have figured out something that has taken me all of my life to get.

In one of my last blogs I said that I had not written anything in a while because I feel I should only write something if it is truthful. For the last however-many months I have been searching for what is really the truth about myself. Searching = silent blog.

One of the first things I realized is that I have been living to please everyone other than myself or God. It's true. Oh, it was great if I pleased God in the process and even greater if I was also pleased. But mostly I just wanted to be cared for and accepted. It was a constant struggle between what I wanted, what others wanted, and what God wanted.

Secondly, and this may surprise some of you, I don't know God all that well. I've read about Him, studied Him, wrote about Him. I even went to Bible school and Seminary hoping that would be enough to prove how tight God and I are. Thing is, it ticks me off how many "God-hoops" I've actually jumped through to keep my psuedo-world orderly and intact.

So anyhow, like I was saying, that is where I lived before I got fired. You see, a psuedo-world can only hold up for so long until it starts to crumble. You have to make a decision as to what is more important. Is it really worth the effort to keep supporting and building up your psuedo-world? Or is it better to go through the pain of letting it fall down around you and be exposed? Sometimes there is not even a choice. In my case, I believe that God allowed that world to come crashing down. When I got fired, it was a turning point in my life. I could either get up and build a different world or I could hold on to the rubble and keep building among the ruins.  I chose to get up out of the ruins and build something different. I don't know what it is or what it will become but for once in my life I know what passion is. Yes, it is scary but it is also wonderful. Who knows what I may let you in on next...