Finished~!

I can not tell you how good this day is! This was the last day of radiation for me. That may not seem like much to some of you but to anyone who has had radiation because for head/neck cancer (or any cancer for that matter) it is a major big deal! To be honest, I tried to talk the doctor into letting me skip the last treatment so I could be done on Friday. I have a thing about things being even. Or all in a row. That's just how I am... But back to the point. I got to keep my mask that I had to wear each time. It's really more like a trophy to me but I think I am going to put it in the recycle bin. When you come around the corner having forgotten it's there, it is pretty startling! Take a look at it and you'll see what I mean.

Scary isn't it?! When I first started, that mouth hole wasn't there. It was only a small hole for my nose. Not that my nose is small or anything but the hole was just big enough for me to breathe through. Then one day I was really sick when I came in and they cut out the mouth hole "just in case." 

You know what is even more scary? See those gray buckles on the side of it?

And see those buckles on the side and top of the head too? Those were buckled down to the table so I couldn't move. You know, they didn't want me to turn my head and radiate my eyeball or something. The Xs on the side and chin are measurements that help them know where to place their machine. Boy am I glad that's over! I do have a few battle scars that the doctor says look really good compared to some. He said they would probably heal relatively quickly.

Here is my poor neck and ear. 

I know I've said this before but thank God for long hair! Remember how I told you I have no feeling in my ear and in parts of that side of my face? Well, last night I was sitting in the recliner and I felt something on my ear. God forbid there be anything on my ear so I just pulled it right off. I had no idea it was SKIN! I didn't feel it though, that's the good part. The not so good part is that if I had known I had skin falling off, I would have done something about it before it got so bad! 

I saw the oncologist before I left today. I got my certificate of completion and I got to ring the bell so everyone could share in the joy that my treatment was over. I have lost 12 pounds since I started, most of them in the last 2 weeks. See if you can tell.

Before

After

Well, and to be fair, my face was still somewhat swollen in the first picture. And I looked really tired. Now in the second one, I just look messy but that's kinda how I look sometimes, lol. 

I'm looking forward to getting on with my life. They tell me the fatigue will wear off anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months. I'm thinking it will be more like 2 days!

Day 1000? ~

I've lost count! The radiation machine has been down so many times and I've had to make up some sessions on the weekend, I lost track of how many I have done. Anyway, I know I have 2 weeks to go. I think after this Saturday and Sunday I have 10 left. Here are my pics. Don't be alarmed, I think this will all return to normal.

             Receding Hair Line                                                      Radiation Burn

 

This is that picture I promised to show you where I've lost a lot of my hair. You can't tell when I wear my hair down though. I am constantly finding hairs everywhere! And they hang on my sleeves and tickle my arms too. The second one is my face where they have tried to burn it off. I can't get over how big my ear is. They say that your ears and nose never stop growing, must be true. Thanks, Daddy.

I found a food that seemed to satisfy me although I couldn't taste it. French fries with ketchup. And I also enjoyed coconut flavored milk shakes. And as soon as I stumbled upon these I developed thrush. I thought that was for babies but apparently it doesn't discriminate based on age. I have a picture of that, only because I sent it to my mother asking her, "WHAT IS THIS??" But I won't show you that one. Yuck. And because of the thrush, I can't eat french fries or ketchup without feeling like my tongue is on fire. And the milk shakes make me feel sick to even think about them. So I'm pretty much living on ensure and mashed potatoes.

So yesterday, I finally surrendered and called into work. I didn't go yesterday or today and I also didn't go to my part time job. I see visions of money just slipping away...  I was hoping not to miss much if any work so hopefully I will feel much better by Tuesday.

I'm not depressed. I know this is all a part of God's plan. Even though I hate it, I've learned so much from it and in the end I am almost sure I wouldn't trade it for wellness. I'm way tougher than I thought I could be. God is good all the time.

Day 17 ~

Ok, so this is me, flying toward the finish line!

It's Saturday and I had to go to radiation today. I have to go tomorrow too. The machine has been breaking down and since I missed a few days here and there, I have to make them up. So I am a little over halfway there, I have exactly 16 more days (I think). If my calculations are correct, I should be done on September 16th. Please, God! Let me be correct!! Because I'm planning that my taste buds will have exactly 1 week to regenerate and then we'll have my birthday dinner. Whether you want to or not. ;)

As for me, I am feeling pretty good, way better than last weekend, which is why I did not even bother to update back then. My mouth is dry and the hair on the back of my head is falling out in droves. That's the real reason I didn't post a picture of myself this time. I might post one tomorrow, it is kind of humorous. (I)'m secretly hoping it will grow back in BLACK)! Everything tastes distorted horrible and you know how much I love to bake so that is a big deal to me. Other than that, I'm doing great! Can't wait to get this all behind me and get on with life!

Day 12 ~

Somebody looked at me today and said, "What happened to your face?!" Nice. Very nice. Well, what happened is that I went to the dentist yesterday and my whole face swelled up. I've always liked frogs but I never wanted to look like one. On top of that, they are trying to burn my face off with that radiation machine thingy. So when I went for my treatment today, they stuffed my swollen face inside the mask anyways and strapped it down as if it was its normal size. But I'm not mad. Whatever it takes to get rid of the bad stuff.

OMG look at that ear! It is soooo big!

Let me tell you, I am so glad to get home today. I spent the whole day fighting back nausea. Of course, that could have been because I had Ensure and asparagus for lunch, probably not a good combination. Can't taste hardly anything, and anything I can taste, tastes bitter. But that doesn't mean I don't ever get hungry. So frustrating. Periodically it sounds like people are talking under water, especially the higher pitched noises. I am so hoping my ears don't fall off!

Day 7 ~

Well, I skipped day 5 (Friday) and 6 (Monday). Friday I don't remember and Monday I was too tired to do anything after Tug kept me up for most of the night. But I'm back tonight and got in there and took my picture.

It doesn't look too bad in my opinion. My scar is quite swollen and a little itchy but they gave me a "survival kit" yesterday. So, I will survive, lol.

Day 4 ~

Ok, here is the picture. I don't think you can see any difference. Not only do I see flashes of light during the radiation, now I smell something too. I can't even describe it, it's not good or bad. They said it's normal.

I would be in bed already but I'm holding these stupid fluoride trays in my mouth and trying not to drool all over the place.

Good Night

Day 3 ~

So this one is gonna be short. Today was my 3rd day of radiation and it dawned on me that maybe I should take a picture of the part of my face that is actually getting the radiation. I took one of my "good" side too so I could tell the difference. So here is the "good" side.

Sorry. Like I said it is hard to take a good photo of yourself. And here is the picture of the side where I had surgery. Don't worry, it isn't graphic anymore.

I'm just going to claim that my ear is swollen making it look bigger than life. It does actually look kind of puffy to me. I can't feel it so I don't know what's going on with it. The incision starts in front of my ear right where the ear canal is. It goes dooowwwnnnn around my ear and back up behind it and then back down. It's in the shape of an S. You can see a little dot behind it, that's where the drain was. Right now there is a bit of swelling in front of my ear but I'm not sure why. I think it is from going to the dentist. And then there is a little dot below my scar - that's just a zit. Hahahahaha! I think the radiation dried it up. Man I crack myself up! Sorry - you should laugh at every opportunity.

So that's it. Nothing unusual except my throat is extremely dry. I have been drinking and running to the bathroom all day! And after seeing these pictures, I think I may actually do something to my hair tomorrow.

Good Night!!

Day 1 & 2 ~

I wanted to keep a journal of what my radiation is like so I can compare the pictures and also see how I'm feeling from day to day. I promise I will write about other stuff too, this is more for me.
So this is how it goes. There are separate dressing/waiting rooms for men and women. The routine is that you go in, pick out a hospital gown, change into it, throw your stuff in a locker, and then go wait with all the other women who are having treatments too. When your turn comes up, the tech calls you back and you verify that it's really you by looking at a picture of yourself on the computer screen. I'm still a little confused about that part...

But anyways, once you get in there, you just lay down on the table and they strap a mask over your face. I don't have a picture of my own mask but here is the closest thing I could find to show you. All the other pictures I saw were of masks that had big net-like holes. As you can see, this one has small holes. I don't know why we didn't get as lucky. The one I wear is white and has no eye holes and no mouth hole. It has a hole the size of a nickel right around the tip of my nose. Gotta breathe somehow! It looks to be flexible but in reality, it is hard plastic. Once you get it on, it's on. They fasten it down like a seat belt in a car all around the head and shoulders. One of these days you'll get to see what mine looks like.

I have no idea what happens after that mask goes on. I can feel the table moving around but I don't feel anything. On my first treatment, I saw flashes of light and the tech said that the machine didn't make any light flashes. When the radiation touches my brain, the brain responds by creating flashes of light. I swear, the human body is so amazing!!

I am not usually claustrophobic but the mask is so tight that I have to struggle to not panic. In my head I say a mantra for that 10 minutes and it gets me through, no problem. It goes like this: "God is good all the time, all the time God is good."

After my first treatment I was fine until I got home. The doctor said I probably wouldn't notice anything until the 3rd week. So maybe it was because I had gone to the dentist that morning but my jaw swelled up so I looked like a chipmunk. It was really painful and I couldn't close my mouth all the way. Therefore, I couldn't eat either. I didn't do anything but lay on the couch and then get up and get in the bed. The next morning I felt much better and could shut my mouth. Imagine that. My jaw was still a little puffy and a bit sore. Here's what I looked like. Wow, my eyes look big! But anyways, I look so crazy in that picture. I had my hair in a ponytail but you can see on the right side (which is actually my left side) how my jaw juts out a bit. I have a chubby face but it's even chubbier in this picture. Why am I looking so scared?! It's hard to take good self-portraits. 

So anyways, I felt better all day. I went for my second treatment and went through with flying colors. I am not posting another picture yet because I look exactly the same!  I will post one tomorrow, day 3.

Good Night.

This One Is For Me ~

I don't write for you. I mean, I do, but I mostly write for me. It's cathartic. It helps get it all out of my head and onto a place where I can look at it and sort through it and organize it. Sometimes it is personal stuff and sometimes it is also spiritual - maybe a struggle or an enlightenment that I need to work through. Sometimes I don't have much to write about because I'm not thinking about much. Other times, I have a lot. 

Like now. 

You are always welcome to follow along when I write it here, but this one is definitely for me to sit down and sort through. I wrote this one for me.

A little over a year ago I felt a lump in the left side of my neck, right under my ear. Whenever I get a sore throat or get tired, I get a lump in my neck over there too. This one wasn't exactly in the same spot but I figured there were plenty of glands over there so I wasn't too worried. Around the same time i saw my doctor for a spot on my arm that I was worried about. So ironic now that I think about it. So my doctor cut this thing off my arm and sent it off to the lab to be tested. I felt like he thought I was being a bit paranoid but hey, you never know. Turns out it was nothing. At the same time I told him about this lump in my neck. He felt of it and said it was probably a swollen gland, nothing to worry about, and I should just keep an eye on it and let him know if it grew or changed.

Fast forward 4 months. Back to the doctor for my normal yearly exam because I try to keep ahead of any health problems by taking advantage of preventive exams. I mentioned that this lump had grown slightly and the doctor wrote out an order for an ultrasound. Nothing to be alarmed about he said, just to make sure. 

Then BAM! I broke out with a heinous rash due to some medication I was taking. Medication reactions, I've been told, can take a year or more to get over and I've found that to be true. Anyways, with this rash I had hives for a solid month and a rash from head to toe that itched like crazy. So I wasn't really concerned about this small lump in my neck. I forgot all about the ultrasound for another 4 months while I battled this rash.

THEN, I was transferred to another area of the hospital where my co-worker noticed I kept rubbing my neck. When she asked about it I told her it was probably nothing, my doctor even said so. I can still hear her alarmed voice in my head, "Jennifer! Anything that isn't normal in your body, you need to get checked out!" I don't know why, maybe it was the tone of her voice but I was motivated to call my doctor immediately and get the order sent again so I could have that ultrasound.

Ultrasound done. 

Report sent to primary doctor. 

Referral to head/neck doctor.

MRI

Fine Needle Aspiration

Let me stop here and explain something about this fine needle aspiration. Yes, the needle is very small. It is definitely not fine. The doctor who performed this procedure was supposed to do it 3 times but he felt so sorry for me after the first time that he wouldn't proceed. I was sobbing like a big baby. However, he looked at the slide under the microscope and said that he didn't see anything to worry about but they would send it to the lab to make sure.

I saw my head/neck doctor a few days later again and he stated that the lump was a tumor, what they call a pleomorphic adenoma which is simply a benign tumor. Boy was I relieved! He said it would still have to be removed surgically because it would only get bigger, may effect the nerves in my face (OMG) and had the potential to become cancerous (OMG). 

Scheduled surgery

Pre-op

Surgery

Post-op

Recovery (Lots of time with my mama!)

Suture Removal

Pathology Report = BAD NEWS

I did NOT have a pleomorphic adenoma. The tumor was adenoid cystic carcinoma a rare and unusual type of cancer. But who cares what it was called, it was cancer. My doctor was almost as shocked as I was. I almost fell off my chair. My mother was there, she was stunned. 

Next came a trip to the oncologist. My blood runs cold every time I hear oncologist now. Thank goodness he was very easy on the eyes, it made my visit there so much better! 

So, here is the low-down:

I had a tumor that turned out to be cancer. I had it for over a year, I don't know how long it had been malignant. I think I dodged a bullet. Better yet, God was watching over me. Whew.

They got the whole tumor with clean margins, meaning they got a bit of tissue around it so it is gone.

I will have scans to make sure it is nowhere else. I will have CT scans of the chest periodically because that is where it would probably go next if it ever came back.

The chances of it coming back in the next 5 years is less than 10%. 

After 15 years, the percentage is much higher but my prognosis is still good and I have an excellent doctor, as far as I can tell.

I start radiation treatments in 4 - 6 weeks, every day for 30 days as a preventive measure, just to make sure...

Before radiation starts, I will see a special dentist so I can learn how to take care of my teeth and prevent bone more bone damage in the future. Radiation weakens bone and teeth are bones. Plus I have a jaw bone. You get the idea.

As far as I can tell from the research, I didn't do anything to get or facilitate the growth of this cancer. I'm glad I found it when I did. I'm glad for my co-worker who urged me to find out what it was. I am a bit confused about the 15-year statistics but plan to ask my oncologist next time I see him.  Websites and medical terms can be so confusing.

If you are still with me at this point, I applaud you. Thank you for listening to me sort through what happened and what is happening. This one was for me but I'm glad you cared enough to go there with me.

God is good, ALL THE TIME.

Skinny Songs

Since I've started exercising and watching what I eat, I've been listening to a line-up of songs that motivate me to keep going. Before you read further, I want to let you know that life is not about being skinny, it is about being healthy. Some people are healthy at heavier weights and the world is full of Big Beautiful Women!! So this list of songs is not to motivate you to look like a star on TV or try to get to a certain size. It's just a list of songs that I found to be fun and motivating for myself and I thought you may be able to relate!

'Skinny Jeans' ~ A song about the favorite pair of jeans we all have hanging in our closet that we are going to get back into one of these days!

'Thin!' ~ Ok, so it's not really about being thin but more about being healthy. But still. This one is about how money can not buy some of the things we really want. Like being thin!

'I'm a Hottie Now' ~ Nobody can make fun of my badonkadonk anymore 'cuz I'm a HOTTIE now!

'Think I'll Go to Saks' ~ Now I can go to Saks and try on all the clothes I couldn't before. Ok, I'm not really gettin' this one, but whatever.

'You da Boss' ~ YOU are the boss, not the food that calls out to you day and night.

'Objects in the Mirror' ~ You've seen that sticker on your side mirror that says "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." This song says, "Objects in the mirror will grow thinner than they now appear."

'Who the H*ll is That?!' ~ Sorry, but that IS the name of the song. Anyways, this one happened to me recently. Ever been excited to get your vacation pictures back and you were shocked at how you looked? Well, my co-worker took some pictures of me and when I saw them I couldn't believe how much weight I had gained. They were very motivating.

'Blowin' You Off at 8' ~ This one is my favorite. The guy dumps the girl because she has gained a few pounds. She loses 4 dress sizes and feels so good about herself that she blows him off when he wants her back. YAY for her!!

If you want to get a copy of these songs, just go to the Skinny Songs website! And remember, it's NOT about being skinny, it's about being healthy and feelin' good about your own body :)