Reframe Your Life ~

I've decided that I won't let life just "happen" anymore. It takes an effort to LIVE life and not just be here. Sometimes we get tired and we just have to lay down and rest. That's ok. After all, we are human. There is a difference in resting and being passive. Right now, I'm resting but I'm not being passive. When I was sick, I had to rest a lot but I was not passive. During that time, I wanted to live more than ever because the threat of my life being taken away was real. I wanted to hang on to it with everything in me. Now that I'm over being sick, it is easy to fall back into that passive state where things just happen and that's that. But I'm not, I'm determined to live. And I want to share with you something that occurred to me this morning, after having a bad evening yesterday.

I have to change my way of thinking.

After living for years in a pattern, I realize that it is difficult to change your way of thinking. That's where the effort part comes in. Let me give you an example. This is the best example I have because it just happened to me. And is happening to me now.
I finished radiation treatments 5 weeks ago. I have complained endlessly because I can taste hardly anything. The things I can taste don't taste right, not even close. Anyone who knows me well has heard me beg them not to use artificial sweetener for the simple fact that it tastes terrible. Now, almost everything I eat leaves the same aftertaste to me. Also, anyone who knows me, knows that I make ends meet by baking and selling cakes and cupcakes. I also enjoy the creative outlet that baking affords me. I love to find new recipes and try them and change them up and make them my own. How easy or enjoyable do you think that is when everything tastes like crap??? It's not.
So last night I had a big ole pity party. I was on the Cancer Survivors Network website and reading what other people said. Some said they got their taste buds back after a year. Some of them never did. Some of them experienced difficulties swallowing some foods (as I do) and certain foods are painful to eat (such as black pepper or garlic or chips or bacon). I'm not going to gloss it over - I cried. It seems silly to you I know but read this amazing story about a chef who found out he had stage 4 tongue cancer and it will help you understand.
This morning I woke up and decided to start living and stop worrying. I can not change what goes on with my mouth or my taste buds. But I can look at it as a blessing instead of a problem. This is actually called "reframing" something I learned in school but have seldom applied to myself. I won't go into all the technical stuff regarding that term, I'll just tell you how I did it. I just did it in my head, you might have to pull out a piece of paper. I will probably actually pull out a piece of paper myself later, lest I forget the lesson I learned today.
First of all, write down what the problem is. DO NOT write down how to fix it because, frankly, there may not be a way to fix it. Next, write down what is good about the problem. Wait! Don't throw in the towel, hear me out! At least read and see what the good part about my problem is. Here's my list...

1. I will probably lose weight.
2. I will be much healthier.
3. I will have time to learn other skills.
4. I can inspire someone else.
5. I won't crave things because I can't taste them anyways!
6. When my taste buds return I will have learned how to control my habits.

You see, food has been a source of pleasure for me. Not only pleasure but also comfort. And a fix for boredom. And a source of confidence. And many things that it should not have been. So the fact that I can't taste it now has thrown a wrench into things. Where do I go now for pleasure? For comfort, for excitement, and for confidence? Do you see where I'm going with this? So losing my taste buds could quite possibly be a good thing, although a bit frustrating.
During this time (possibly a year or forever), I plan to learn some other skills. I can learn to build things. I can use the time I would have been baking to go to the gym. I can learn how to eat to live, rather than live to eat. The fact is, I HAVE to eat in order to live. Now I can choose what's healthy and make it a habit, quite easily. I've also found another side to not being able to taste. I don't eat sugar anymore and so my body has adjusted accordingly and I feel amazing! Well, not right this moment because I have a cold. But I have been feeling so good without all of that sugar making me sleepy. I can't taste sugar, so I don't drink sodas anymore, one of the most unnecessary and unhealthy products ever made.
Those are the good things about my problem. See how I "reframed" everything?
And that is how you do it. Pick out the good in any situation and build on it. Become an optimist. Let go of your ideas. CHANGE YOUR WAY OF THINKING! It takes practice and effort but it is definitely worth it in the end!

Fear

When I woke up this morning I looked like this:

Ok, maybe I'm exagerating but I did feel like that. I don't know what was (is) going on but my eye was swollen like someone hit me. My ear was swollen shut and I couldn't hear. Still can't out of that side because of the ringing in my ear. My jaw was sagging on that side and my head hurt. I felt (feel) like a monster. It was not a day I wanted to meet any new people - and that is where the fear began. 

I'm scared of crowds...

See, I was supposed to go to a new Sunday school class today and I already have a huge fear of meeting new people, especially a whole crowd of them. I really couldn't do it looking like that.

But I still made it to church. I wondered on the whole drive over what was happening in that side of my face. I was struggling in a way that I haven't for quite some time. All the way to church I kept thinking about the future and "what if" this or "what if that" - fear. By the time I made it to the door, I was really, really tired! And irritable!

But wouldn't you know it, God had already prepared a sermon for me. We worshipped and praised and then sat down for Communion. As the crackers and grape juice (yes, that's how we roll) were passed out, a member of the praise team started singing:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives. All fear is gone.
Because I knowwwwwwww, He holds the futureLife is worth the living just because He lives!

I swear, this happens every Sunday. I go in with all these things on my mind and God answers them in one way or another. Pastor Rick's message was about worry and fear also. Let me tell you, I whole-heartedly disagree with this:

I refuse to live with fear. I refuse to sit down and invite fear to breakfast, dinner, or even a tea-party! Fear isn't welcome in my home or in my head because it takes the joy out of living and clouds the future. I've decided that when fear does try to raise stick his big ugly head in the door, I will have to slam it shut. I already belong to God and anything that comes my way, I can make it through.

My Food Obsession ~

OK, so I'm going to tell you a secret. I think I am addicted to food. Not that that would be so shocking in and of itself because I've kind of suspected it all along. And I'm not trying to make light of it because any kind of addiction is not funny at all. But here is the really twisted part of it all: I can't taste ANYTHING right now! I have never been so frustrated in my life! I guess it would be like someone who is used to smoking weed all of their life and then suddenly, when they do, they don't get high anymore.

I eat because, well, you know, we all have to eat to live. But I do not enjoy it AT ALL right now. It might not be so bad except that I love to cook. I love to try new flavors. I like to eat out at unfamiliar places. I remember the first time I went to Byblos Hookah Lounge. (First of all, it isn't what it sounds like. It's really not a lounge and please look up "hookah" if you don't know what it is). I was so excited to try Lebanese food for the first time. Then there is King Tut where you will find some of the best Egyptian food anywhere. And when I was on my vegan kick (which lasted almost a month) I was all gung-ho for the Spiral Diner and even the Mellow Mushroom with it's selection of vegetarian pizzas and subs. If you want to know the best German food or French cuisine in Fort Worth, I know where they are.

So now that I can't taste anything, it's as if I'm obsessed with food. I watch the Food Network and reminisce about the days of old. At times I make dishes and hope to heaven that I can taste it when it's done. Not so. It smells divine but ends up tasting like globs of rubber or wallpaper paste or hockey pucks. Here's another thing I've noticed myself doing. I look around on the Internet at recipes and just imagine what they would taste like. I don't know why I torture myself so!! I think I am truly a foodie at heart!
So here's my plan and I sure do hope it works. I have 2 more weeks of these treatments. After that, I have a week before it is my birthday. During that week, my taste buds better get themselves regenerated or else! And then, because I know I can't go hog wild (get it? hog wild? haha!) I am going to have one of these foods on my list each day until I get alllllll caught up. And not necessarily in this order. But maybe in this order, depending on who cooperates, lol.

1. My mother's best friend, Mary, is going to make me a blackberry cream pie. (And whatever else I can talk her into).
2. My sister-in-law, Dallas, is going to make me some chocolate chip cookies. (Jeff said you would)!
3. Hoo-ya's - a place in Denton that I haven't been to in forever but can't stop thinking about.
4. Whataburger with Liz Brown. (What a burger)!
5. Redneck Caviar, per my friend, Stephanie Holmes' recipe which she posted and I also can't stop thinking about.
6. Coffee (which is a given of course). And yes, I know it is not really a food.
7. Apple Pie.
8. Naan bread with Hummus.
9. A bacon, egg, & cheese biscuit.
10. Wedge Salad with feta cheese.
11. Macaroni and cheese like my Granny makes cuz I'm sure she IS the one who makes it in heaven.
12. Birthday cake!
13. Banana Pudding by Bruce Gilbert. (I hate to admit, it's better than mine).
14. And because I can't stop on unlucky #13 and because it is most important, Rosa's OR Taco Bueno with my parents because, well, that's just how we roll.
Oh wait, I forgot Taco Casa. That'll be another day. Makes me sick to think about it right now :(

So, that's only 2 weeks worth of what I'm craving. If you would like to add a day, feel free to go right ahead!

Just Stop ~

I don't have anything special in mind today to write about. I haven't been mulling over something that struck me like I normally do. Even so, my heart is full of a lot of things. Things that don't seem to go together in a story or an article and probably will not make sense but I have to get them out all the same.

We all know that hard things change people and either shape them or break them. A couple of years ago I faced something that almost broke me but, over time, I let it shape me a little bit. This year, I faced something that has shaped me. And the difference is, I didn't fight it. I accepted it and decided to trust God no matter what. Maybe it's because that was really the only option but, all the same, I did it willingly.

I have spent the last I-don't-know-how-many years working and working and working. Every minute was tied up trying to make ends meet and, to be truthful, I was wearing out. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. But still, I made myself keep going because that is what I thought I had to do. I can't lose anything, I can't go backwards, I can't stop, I can't give in, I can't look like a fool, etc, etc, etc.  And then everything came to a screeching halt. I found out I had a tumor and would have to be off work for 2 weeks. Well, I took 8 days instead of 10 because I really thought I didn't have the time to fully recover. Then I found out my tumor was really cancer and I would have to do radiation. In my head I thought, "No big deal, let's get this done. I have to get back to work so I can make ends meet." Amidst all of the side-effects that come along with radiation treatments, I was determined to keep going and I didn't want to take off work.

God had other plans.

At some point, I had to give up. Not just physically but also in every other way as well. It is noble to keep fighting in the face of adversity. It really is. But sometimes, it is more noble to let it all go and admit that you can't. That is exactly where I found myself. I can't go to work because I can't perform my job well. I can't pay my bills because I now have medical bills that outweigh those other ones. I can't cook my own meals because nothing sounds good and everything makes me feel sick. I may as well go to bed.

So I did. I threw in the towel and went to bed. I wasn't depressed. Just very, very tired. I really had no other choice but to slow down. Well, not so much slow down, but just stop.

I just realized that there are so many things I've been missing. I've been missing the quiet time of just doing nothing. At all. I've been missing time with God. I've been missing how it is to pray for my friends and family like I should. I've missed the times of reflection instead of worry. I've really missed hanging out with friends. Just been trying to fix it all myself and never NEVER give up.

But Wednesday night on the way home, after I asked the little guy at Chicken Express for some mashed potatoes "and that's all" and then waited, trying not to throw up - I realized - I can't do this. I was never meant to do this. So I decided then and there: I can't make it to the meeting at church tonight, I can't make it to work tomorrow, I can't make it to my part-time job, and I can't make the bills go away. And I don't care because I just can't. Not anymore. So I gave up. I went home and went to bed and slept until 1pm the next day.

When I got up the next day, I still felt horrible physically but also felt a genuine peace that everything is going to be alright because I don't have to fix everything. Yes, I did mess a lot of things up, which is probably why I felt like I had to fix it too. But at some point, it is about grace and forgiveness, not making things even. Grace and forgiveness - two things I have been unable unwilling to give to myself. I'm not saying this is the sole purpose that I ended up with cancer. I'm not sure what the whole purpose of it is. But if having to endure that is what it took to give myself a break, then I'll take it gladly. God and I are good with each other now. 

There's not way to wrap up this blog. So, that's all I have to say for now. 

Could I See Some ID? ~

Not long ago, I was doing my job. I mean my regular, full-time job, which is registering people into the hospital. You would think that it is a boring, repetitive, unspecial job. I admit it, sometimes I think it is. Sometimes, just to be honest, I am so tired that when I look up and see yet another patient coming to register, I almost start cursing inside my head. And then there are times that are so different from that. 

There are some patients I've come to know by name and look forward to seeing. One of them is a doctor who was in a traumatic car accident. I first met him when he was still living in a rehab with a halo screwed into his head. He was unable to even sign his own paperwork. I've seen him so many times that I now remember to call him "Dr." instead of "Mr." and he is doing much better. There is a lady who always has to give me something when she comes in. The first time it was a green piece of candy that had been in her purse so long that it had little specks of dirt on it. The next time she gave me half a box of tic-tacs. The next time it was a tootsie pop. Then there is the guy who comes in every so often and he has told me his life story. Even though he has had a number of back surgeries and also has HIV, he never complains. And he starts singing, "Hi Jennifer!" from halfway across the room every time he comes in. I really could go on and on but I won't. I just want to tell you about a guy who I've only seen once but I will never forget.

I was sitting at my desk while there was a lull in the patient load. When I looked up at my next patient, it was a man in a wheelchair. He wore an oxygen tube in his nose and an undershirt with pajama pants. Both he and the woman with him reeked of stale cigarettes. He looked so dejected that I felt sorry for him. His wife (?) was obviously the one in charge and did all of the talking. 

As with every patient, I asked him for his insurance cards and picture ID. The woman in charge helped him get his insurance card and then proceeded to dig through his wallet for an ID. In the meantime, I was busy pulling up his information in the computer. When I turned back to them, she slapped down a card and stated rather loudly, "This is the only ID he has." I tried to keep a blank face as I looked at the card, the first one I had seen of its kind. In big red letters across the entire card it read

OFFENDER.

I really am not sure exactly how many thoughts and questions went through my head at that point but I know it has stayed on my mind until even now. I looked at this frail little man in a wheelchair and wondered what he possibly could have done. And how long ago was it?? I wondered if it was necessary to carry that card forever. Didn't he ever have a chance to get a "normal" ID? What in the world?! Most of me just thought it would have been better to say, "He doesn't really have an ID" and leave it at that.

So, I don't mean to compare this woman to the devil in any way, but isn't that what the devil does to us? He stands over our shoulder, whips out our "OFFENDER" card, and slaps it on the table in front of us at every opportunity. We sit there feeling beat down and breathless, unable to look anyone in the eye because he won't let us forget for one minute the things that happened in the past. However, the bible says,

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." Romans 3:23, 24.

My mother used to tell me that "justified" means "just as if I'd never done it." Christ died for me so that it would be just as if I had never sinned. Yet sometimes I still tolerate the devil hanging around and pointing out my past mistakes. Maybe you were an offender. All of us were. Maybe you made mistakes. All of us have. Maybe there is something in your life that can not be undone, no matter how you wish it could. I've been there too. You sit there looking at the floor, barely able to move out of your regret. And that is just where the devil wants you to stay. He hangs over your shoulder to make sure of it. But guess what? I don't have to do deal with that and neither do you. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new." II Cor. 5:17.

The reason I don't have to deal with it is because I have a new ID. When the devil tries to whip out my old offender ID, I pull out my new ID that trumps anything he has. My new identification lets everyone know who I am now, not who I used to be. I am a new creation and I can freely identify myself as a daughter of the King. If you have accepted Christ, don't continue to carry around your offender card. Christ died to give you a new ID and it's time to hold your head up and start using it!

Lost? ~

I invited a friend to church this morning. He stopped by and picked me up and drove me to Denton.

Denton, Texas.

If you aren't familiar with Denton, let me tell you a little bit about it. I grew up there, lived there for almost 30 years (man that makes me sound old!) and go back there to visit my family all the time. 

-Denton is the Redbud Capital of Texas, so named for the many Redbud trees in and around the city.

 -In 2006, Money magazine named Denton No. 58 out of the "Top 100 Best Places to Live in America."

-Denton is sometimes referred to by its nickname "Little D". (a reference to "Big D" - that'd be Dallas, of course!)

It's a college town, has 2 or 3 of them, maybe more. It was smaller when I left but it has sprouted up shopping centers and restaurants all over the place. It also has history, a square with a malt shop, some bed and breakfasts, and a lot of little attractions.

But the streets are all messed up.

Not only are they bumpy and always under construction, they are also curvy. And the ones that are straight don't go just North and South or East and West. They also go diagonal. And then we could talk about the amount of one-way streets there as compared to any normal city in Texas. Having lived there for many years, I've still been guilty of driving the wrong way on a street for a bit before figuring it out. 

So, as we approached Denton, my friend started asking me which way to go. The conversation from that point to the church was pretty much me saying "exit here" or "turn here" or "no, get in that lane!" As we twisted and turned and avoided potholes, he finally said, "I am so lost!"

I didn't say it out loud, but in my head I was thinking, "No you aren't. I'm right here and I know right where we are."

And then I just started thinking. I know it's a shock but I really was. There are songs about being lost and then being found. But if you think about it, has God really ever lost anything? We may have been lost but God knew all the time right where we were. Proverbs 5:21 says,

"For a man's ways are before the Lord's eyes, and He considers all his paths."

That really doesn't sound like God has misplaced us and is frantically searching for us. And what about Psalm 139?

"Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up; You understand my thoughts from far away. You observe my travels and my rest; You are aware of all my ways."

That doesn't really sound like He has lost track of us either.  Hmmm...

So, my friend was lost in Denton this morning but he really wasn't. I am in NO WAY comparing myself to God. However, I did know right where we were and I knew where we were going after the next turn. And after he followed all of my directions, he wasn't lost anymore. See how that works??

God knows where we are.  My heart takes great comfort in that. Sometimes I don't know where I am or where I am going but we aren't really lost. God knows right where we are, all the time.

Healer ~

We sang this song last Sunday in church. Oh my goodness, I was touched by it! And then we sang another song and it kind of knocked the lyrics out of my head, all except for "I believe You're my healer." So I kept trying to remember all week long. Then on Friday, I was driving to work, listening to KCBI instead of Steve Harvey. And guess what! It came on the radio! Here's the song that's been with me all week. It's called "Healer" and if you want to watch the video, then turn off the sound on my music box on the right side of the page.


You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands


I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need...

All Those Cows are His ~

I have a part-time job outside of my regular job. My boss is a high-falutin' business man and hangs out with some pretty high-falutin' people. It's just 6 or so hours a week but it is my responsibility to keep everything filed, everything up to date, everything in its proper place. We recently moved our office to a new facility and it was my job to unpack (yay!) and I even got my own office! (In my mind at least, lol).

So last week I went in and he had put 3 pictures up in MY office! And they weren't pretty ones either. No pink, no teal, nothing remotely cute. In fact, one of them is so plain, it is depressing. (Thank Goodness he doesn't read my blog)! Ok, so he put up some pictures - big deal.

Well this week I walked in and there was no chair in my office! Where was MY chair?? So I walked down the hall to his office and there it was, just as I suspected. I even asked him, "Can I have my chair back?" The more I thought about it, the more I started laughing at myself. I had taken ownership of several things that didn't even belong to me! The computer, the chair, the files, the paper, the EVERYthing! Actually not one single thing in that office belongs to me. I take care of them but they aren't mine. I worry about them when they go missing but they aren't mine. I get irritable when things are put there that I don't really like, but they aren't mine. And then I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard this still, small voice that said,

"You do that to Me too."

Leave it to God to call me on something like that! But isn't that what we do to God all the time? We think we own everything and try to control everything but we forget that without Him, we wouldn't have any of it.

"Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all." (1 Chron 29:11).

I remember when I was little and maybe I would get sick or hurt or something like that. My mother would always pray for me. She would tell God, "Father, I know this is really your child and you let me have her to take care of. You love her even more than I can, so please heal her." I'm sure that she has prayed that same prayer a number of time for both me and my brother since then about a number of situations. When I stop and think about it, it's true. Everything we have is borrowed from God. Our children (although I don't have any yet), our money, our futures, even my dog (I believe). He just loaned them to us to take care of. 

So I believe that I will start thinking about things from that perspective. It's not my chair to get upset over. It's not my picture and I do not like it but it serves a purpose. No, I don't like the direction he wants me to turn those files but they aren't my files! Sometimes I do worry about stuff but it belongs to God so I know He'll make it right. Sometimes I get upset when He removes things from my life. But when He does, well, it wasn't mine anyway, it was His. Sometimes I get upset about things He puts in my life but I know they serve a purpose. It's time for me to remember Who I belong to and let Him take control of it all. So please pray for me that I'll stop being such a control freak and keep remembering who owns all those cows on all those hills.

Rejuvenation ~

"Some plants, vegetative and flowering, will grow weary over the course of several years, or even just a summer. Any bush, tree or plant is at risk for growing limp and lifeless."

That's what I read on the website. I thought to myself, "Yeah, like me. I'm so weary... what can I do to get rejuvenated?" I don't mean just on a physical level but also on a spiritual level. Let's face it, life is hard for almost  everyone and even more difficult for some. It's no wonder that we would feel limp and lifeless at times! So I started thinking about rejuvenation and what it is. I was thinking spa treatments or a day lounging on the beach, maybe getting a pedicure or treating myself to some steak. What do you think of when you hear the word "rejuvenation?" So that's how I came to the website where I was reading about plants being weary. Even after I read that first sentence something just made me keep reading...

"To rejuvenate your plants and give them the lush green and large blooms they deserve, simple pruning is in order."

What?! Pruning? To rejuvenate?!? I'm not much of a plant person. That may explain why I have some brown scraggly things in my flower bed right now. I have an automatic sprinkler that comes on 2 - 3 times a week so they get plenty of water. They also get plenty of sun and the tag on them said "direct sunlight" is what they need. So why can't I just plant them and forget about them? It seemed like somewhere in the Bible Jesus talked about pruning but that just does not seem as lovely as a spa treatment to me. However, as weary and lifeless as I feel, I thought it wise to go look up that scripture before I turn brown and scraggly myself.

"I am the true vine, and my father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:1. 2

Hmmm. So there is a verse about pruning. I don't like the thought of being cut. I once had a wart and although it was ugly and all, I hated thinking about having it cut. I had surgery on my foot and passed out when they took the ONE stitch out. Anything that causes pain is not fun to me. And certainly not rejuvenating.

"Cut along the prominent branches at the Y of the smaller limbs. Make a straight and clean cut."

Um, God? I said I don't like to be cut on!

"For smaller plants with limbs less than 1/2 inch, the pruning shears work fine."

Yeah, ok, I can take it. I know that must be me with the 1/2 inch branches. So bring on the shears.

"For branches larger than 1 inch, use the tree saw."

Whoa! Wait a minute! A tree saw?! Ok God, quit kidding around. This is really not funny anymore. I'm already weary and here you are talking about using a tree saw on my branches. I don't know how much more I can take. Seriously.

"Cut from the outer edges first and then deeper. Take away the branches that are most clustered first, along with the wilted or weakened ones from pest infestation. These limbs are browned, spotted or broken and hanging loose."

Do you have limbs in your life that are wilted or weakened from pest infestation? I know I do. That pest, the devil, wants to get to you and ruin what God has planted. He wants to leave you spotted and stained with pieces hanging loose, broken and destroyed. He would have you think that the state you are in is hopeless.

"Cut into the other small branches that are less prominent."

There are areas of our lives that may not even be noticeable to others, things that, left unattended, will grow out of control. It's time to clip those too.

"This thinning will drive all the nutrients to less foliage and blossoms than the tree had to manage before. The tree can then concentrate its efforts on a smaller scale and develop beautiful limbs and  flowers."

Friend, God wants you and me to flourish and grow beautiful and strong. What are the extra "branches" that need to be "pruned" out of your life? Is it gossip or backbiting? Is it negative attitudes and behaviors? Jealousy or lust? Is it something that is done when nobody is looking? It doesn't matter, no branch is too big.
So... rejuvenation! I think I'll go spend some time with the Master Gardener.

I Cried Tonight ~

I cried tonight. It wasn’t just any old cry, the kind where you cry a few tears here and there and then you’re good. No, it was a heart-rending, soul-cleansing cry that I couldn’t make stop. The kind where you think it’s over and so you move on to something else and then it starts up again. And again. It’s the kind that makes me think of that verse in Psalms where it says that God stores up our tears in bottles.

Psalm 56:8 – “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”

Then I start wondering if it’s a whole bunch of bottles or just one huge bottle because I’m sure that I’ve cried a lot of tears, more than most people probably. Especially tonight.

I’ve been kind of nasty and grouchy all week, I will admit to that. Part of it I want to blame on the weather and how much I got harassed about whether I was coming to work or not. The other part could be the arctic chill in the building where I was working - the one nobody seemed to care about. Another part of me wanted to blame it on the fact that I had a test coming up that I was supposed to drive to Dallas for and the roads were like oil-glazed glass. I stifled the crying part under this nasty and grouchy façade and muddled through it. All week I managed to keep pushing it down and blinking fast enough to overcome it.

Not tonight. Tonight the floodgates opened and the tears tore off the hinges. I’m not exactly sure what started it but I knew when it was coming and that there was no stifling it anymore. I was chatting with a friend on Facebook. Not a “friend” friend on Facebook, but a true friend that I’ve known for almost all of my life. We met in the 6th grade. That was also our last year together in elementary school and, over time, we lost touch. I came across her on Facebook last week and instantly sent a friend request.

So then tonight, as I said, we were chatting for the first time in 25 years. As you would guess, we started asking each other how things are in each other’s lives, are we married, what about kids. She is married, has kids, is finishing up her law degree, and is a housewife who helps her minister-husband with his work. All the while I felt a wall beginning to rise, my defenses went up, and I was panicking and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to know all about her but I didn’t want to tell her all about me. What was I supposed to say to her? I didn’t want to lie but I certainly didn’t want to tell the truth. I didn’t have to make this choice tonight because she had to go get her kids to bed. As we said our good-nights the floodgates opened.

This is what I have battled with for years and now battle even more on a daily basis. I want to have real friends, women that I can talk to about anything and everything and really spend quality time with. However, I know that in order to do that, I have to be transparent and honest about my failures as well as everything else. I’m not a perfect woman, not even close. I have what some would consider serious character flaws. That’s what I consider them too!

The past few years have been complete and utter failure. So much so that I avoid talking about them at all cost, especially to people who know nothing about them to begin with. I was not the perfect wife, daughter, sister, employee, friend, or Christian. I sought acceptance – I wanted to be loved and it cost me everything. In return I got absolutely nothing. The shame goes on and on and the fear that it will all somehow suddenly be uncovered pushes me further and further down.

So tonight I wept bitterly and my heart was raw as I poured it all out. I was soothed as I imagined God gathering all those tears up. I thought I was disqualified from serving God. I thought I had no right to move on or to be happy. That’s what guilt does. But that’s why Jesus came, isn’t it?

John 10:10 - “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

It has taken time and the journey is still not over. It is painful now and there will still be scars when the healing is complete. I hear this song by Tenth Avenue North on the radio so frequently and it always speaks to me:

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade.

God has picked me up and is putting me back on track. He is freeing me from the fear that has kept me shackled in silence and restoring me. So go ahead and ask if you need to know because now I can tell you why I cried a whole bottle of tears. 

My Eyes are on You ~

This past week was a doozy. Actually the past couple of months have been full of doozies but I have neglected my blog for so long that you never would have known if I hadn't just now told you. I know that everyone has troubles and I'm not going to sit here and tell you all of mine. It was just your usual stuff - finances, relationships, job issues, that kind of stuff. Stuff that probably everyone faces in a lifetime, if not daily. Then a couple of months ago, a few days before Thanksgiving, I had this mystery rash that appeared. You would think that is a minor thing, it sounds like it to me. Just put some cream or ointment on it and get over it, right? But that was not the case. I had this rash that covered my entire body except for the bottom of my feet and my face. It was even on the palms of my hands. Over two months I  have been to the ER twice, I have seen my family doctor, an internist, a dermatologist, a psychiatrist, and an allergist. I have been prescribed at least 10 different medications. I have taken oatmeal baths, baking soda baths, and even purchased the ridiculously expensive lotion that was suggested which didn't even have the decency to smell nice. I bought scentless/colorless laundry detergent and washed all of my bedding and clothing. I spent quite a bit of money trying to figure all of this out.

At around the 1-month mark the rash part went away. No more hives on my back and butt and no more speckles on my arms and legs. The only thing remaining was the itch. Just imagine that you are clothed entirely in wool. I mean wool socks, wool underwear, wool bra - you get the idea. I don't know if you are sensitive to wool but I am and it feels like thousands of pins pricking me at the same time, here and there, all over my body.

So the ordinary stuff coupled with this horrendous itching has been biting at my heels for close to 2 solid months now. Then last week I was at work and I noticed I was breaking out in speckles and hives again. That's why I said last week was a doozy. When you think you have almost beaten something and then it crops up again, it has a huge impact. I know it isn't as bad as what some people have. No, I'm not battling with cancer or some other life-threatening illness and praise God for that. But after itching and hurting for almost 2 months straight and then thinking it was almost over, it was the last straw. I have a low pain tolerance and apparently I have a low itch tolerance too and this was putting me over the edge.

One day I was reading a book my aunt gave me for Christmas. The book had nothing to do with what I'm talking about now but there was one line in the book that sparked my interest. It quoted a verse in II Chronicles:

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You."

Something snapped when I read that line and I knew I had to look it up in its context. I don't know all that much about Jehoshaphat and I spent a good part of any spare time each day learning. Come to find out, Jehoshaphat was a godly king, the King of Judah. He was at peace with all of those around him, he had a big army and was prosperous, and had put everything in his kingdom back in order. He was an all-around good guy with the exception of a couple of mistakes which any one of us could have made. Then one day, for some reason I have yet to find out, the Moabites, Ammonites, and Me-unites all decided to gang up on him and attack him. It was a vast army, many more than Jehoshaphat's army had the power to face. In a round-about way, Jehoshapat questioned God.

“But now here are men from Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir, whose territory you would not allow Israel to invade when they came from Egypt; so they turned away from them and did not destroy them. See how they are repaying us by coming to drive us out of the possession you gave us as an inheritance." 

But they all stood before the Lord -  the men, their wives and their children with their eyes upon God. And God told them that the battle was not theirs. And Jehoshaphat instructed them to sing to God and praise Him for the splendor of His holiness. And the people did and guess what they found when they reached the battle ground?

"The Ammonites and Moabites rose up against the men from Mount Seir to destroy and annihilate them. After they finished slaughtering the men from Seir, they helped to destroy one another. When the men of Judah came to the place that overlooks the desert and looked toward the vast army, they saw only dead bodies lying on the ground; no one had escaped."

The armies had all killed each other and Jehoshaphat's people didn't lift a finger! Not only that, but the loot they found there was too much for them and it took them three days to get it all!

After reading this, I have to believe that God is going to fight my battles for me. My finances are a mess and I am still itching like crazy. There are days that I worry so much I think I might be sick and I need to give those over to Him. I have resolved to do my best to give these battles to Him, to sing to Him and praise Him for all that He is. Otherwise, I do not know what to do, but my eyes are on Him!

Keep Going and Don't Look Back ~

This is officially the last day of the year, tomorrow will be 2011. For the past couple of years I have made a timeline and posted all of the good (and some not so good) things that have happened throughout the year. I can truly say that this has been one of the toughest years for me to get through. I'm sad that the year is over only because I wanted it to end on a great note and time ran out too soon. So, instead of posting all of God knows what, I've decided that this time I'm going to look mostly forward instead of back. 

I've heard a lot of great sayings about not looking back, putting things in the past, moving forward. They aren't just words that someone said on a whim. I would be willing to bet that most of them came about because of an experience someone had that they wish they hadn't. Here are a few of them: 

"One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us."  ~Michael Cibenko"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." ~Euripides, Alexander


"Would you keep a chive on your tooth just because you enjoyed last night's potato?" ~From the television show Boston Common


"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post." ~L. Thomas Holdcroft

"It's but little good you'll do a-watering the last year's crops." ~George Eliot, Adam Bede


"Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causing you to bump into people not going your way."  ~Edna Ferber


"If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today."  ~Author Unknown


"Our past is like a footprint.  It only confirms we were there.  No burden on our future does it bear."  ~Jeb Dickerson


"Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last one is my favorite and, Oh how I wish I could live it every day! Ralph Waldo Emerson was actually rephrasing something that had been said many years before, whether he knew it or not.

Philippians 3:13

"I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before..."

So 2010 is another year gone by. It's time to move on and plan for the future, reach for the things that are ahead. My one New Year's Resolution is that I would not spend all of my time struggling and working but that I would spend more of it with my family and friends, doing things that matter. Nurture my relationship with God. Participate in more events that are worthy of picture-taking. Make new friends. Visit old friends. Smell the roses. Enjoy the coffee. Don't give people more of me than they deserve. Say NO. Say YES! Get caught up in some things. Get over some things. Get a hold on some things. Let go of regrets. Forget the past and move on. 

~ Welcome 2011! ~

He Knows What We Need ~

I have been keeping something to myself all this week. I wanted to savor it and remember it in my head all on my own for a while before I shared it with anyone else. You may think that you can hide your thoughts and feelings from God but that is where you are wrong. And just when you need Him most, He will meet you in the oddest of ways and leave you with your mouth hanging open in awe.

So I work the odd shift from 10:30 a.m. to 7 p.m. From 5:30 to 7 I am all alone and I usually spend this time finishing up with work, answering phone, sometimes I write or find other ways to make the time pass. The volunteers in the information booth go home for the day and I automatically become the information booth as well. It is also during this time that my mind has the chance to wander to places it shouldn't. Places filled with worry about the future, doubt about myself and my capabilities, regret about the past, and a host of things that I battle with almost daily.

On this particular day I had taken that dark path again and was thinking of how I got to where I am now. A deep sense of regret and despair began to wash over me as I thought about what could have been, how life could have been easier for me, how I would not have to struggle with money or wonder about the future. I was thinking about all kinds of crazy things when a man came rushing up to my desk pushing a wheelchair. He asked me where the restroom is and all I had time to do was point in the direction before he took off running, shouting over his shoulder for me to please watch his wheelchair.

A short time later he came back and apologized and told me how embarrassed he was. I told him it was ok and said that I was sure he'd had a long drive. I never intended to have a conversation with him. It's not that I minded him talking to me but I just had so much on my mind. But then this is where the story took a turn and he said to me, 

"You know, eight months ago I lost my job. I had a good job and was a supervisor at a good company and suddenly I was out of work. I looked everywhere for a job and I was thinking how I have degrees and education and that I really should have a decent job. But no, that is not what God had in mind. So I applied for this job, transporting patients from here to there and I believe that God is using me in this way because if He did not have a plan, He would not have me doing this job. So I said, Ok God, if you want me to drive this van, then I will do it. I have a roof over my head. My daughters have not gotten pregnant and my sons have not impregnated anyone. I have a good wife and the bills are paid. God has provided for me and it might not be what I had in mind but it is His plan so this is what I do. And I thank God every day that He knows what I need."

And then he looked at me and said, 

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I just told you all of that."

And as I picked my chin up off the floor I was trying hard not to let the tears out from under my eyelids. I told him, "You have no idea... thank you so much for what you said." I have been struggling and wondering and questioning all of my circumstances for so long. Like him, I have an education and degrees and what an embarrassment to not be using them. Was it all for nothing? I had looked for work for so long and was so discouraged. Even now I could not see that I was blessed. I had a roof over my head, friends, a job, and so many more things. Maybe it wasn't what I had envisioned for myself at one time. Even so, God knows what I need better than I do.

As he was getting ready to walk away from my desk he looked at me and said, 

"You know what Jennifer? I'm going to pray for you. God knows what you need."

Since that time he has come back by a couple of times on his way to fetch a patient. He tells me that now when he prays at night he simply says, "And God, remember Jenny." He says that is all it takes because God knows already what I need. I wanted to keep this precious moment to myself, just between God and me. But now it is time to share it. Sometimes our situation, our circumstances, our station in life is not what we think it should be. But God knows better what we need.

You Can Have Me ~

I was on my way to work one day recently when a song came on the radio. I haven't listened to the radio in quite some time. I figure that with all the noise in my head lately, I don't have to put up with even more of it. So maybe everyone else has already heard this song by Sidewalk Prophets (one of my new favorites). It's called "You Can Have Me" and the first line goes like this:

"If I saw you on the street..."

So I started thinking about if I actually saw Jesus walking down the street in jeans and a T-shirt. And sandals, of course. I mean, we talk about "We shall see Jesus" and "I can only imagine" but forget all the golden streets and harps and glistening hilltops for a moment. Just pretend you are walking around at Sundance Square or Times Square, or whatever the square is called where you live, and Jesus walks up to to you in the flesh. (Nevermind the question of how you would know it's Him, that's a whole other blog). The next line in the songs says,

"And You said come and follow me..."

I don't know about you but I started asking myself if I really knew Him well enough to just up and follow Him. After all, He is not just some guy on the street, He's Jesus Christ - God. It is one thing to think of falling on your face before God as He shines in all of His glory and majesty. Its quite another for Him to walk up to you in street clothes.

I'm not trying to "dumb down" God. I feel horrible even saying it that way. I do not want to withhold any respect that is due Him or belittle the awe that I know I will feel when I see Him in the flesh some day. However, I have been thinking deeply for the past few days about how to be more personal and intimate with God. It is inconceivable to me that the Maker of the universe would even know my name, much less want to hang out with me.
I am longing to know the God that I can go to with everything and anything. The one that isn't "way up there" looking at me way down here.  I want to follow Him and just sit and converse and laugh with Him and lean on Him tell Him all of my secrets and fears. I want desperately to be able to say "You can have me" but somewhere along the way I misplaced my trust and can't seem to find it again.  But I will keep searching and trying and I believe that in time I will be able to give Him all of me.

Psuedo-What?

Before I got fired from my last job (yes, I said fired) I kind of lived in a psuedo-world of my own. I actually looked up the word "psuedo" after I had already used it here and it said, "not genuine but having the appearance of." That was the adjective form of the word. The noun form of psuedo is far more harsh: "faker, imposter, role player, sham, pretender, fraud, fake, beguiler, cheater, deceiver, trickster, slicker, - someone who leads you to believe something that is not true." Well good grief!  You may as well call me the devil! Raise your hand if you are also a Psuedo (pronounced soo'-do). Well if you didn't raise your hand then you are definitely a psuedo too.  To some extent we all are. I know there are some of you saying right now, "No! I'm really real! What you see is what you get!" Well good for you. Either you are lying or you have figured out something that has taken me all of my life to get.

In one of my last blogs I said that I had not written anything in a while because I feel I should only write something if it is truthful. For the last however-many months I have been searching for what is really the truth about myself. Searching = silent blog.

One of the first things I realized is that I have been living to please everyone other than myself or God. It's true. Oh, it was great if I pleased God in the process and even greater if I was also pleased. But mostly I just wanted to be cared for and accepted. It was a constant struggle between what I wanted, what others wanted, and what God wanted.

Secondly, and this may surprise some of you, I don't know God all that well. I've read about Him, studied Him, wrote about Him. I even went to Bible school and Seminary hoping that would be enough to prove how tight God and I are. Thing is, it ticks me off how many "God-hoops" I've actually jumped through to keep my psuedo-world orderly and intact.

So anyhow, like I was saying, that is where I lived before I got fired. You see, a psuedo-world can only hold up for so long until it starts to crumble. You have to make a decision as to what is more important. Is it really worth the effort to keep supporting and building up your psuedo-world? Or is it better to go through the pain of letting it fall down around you and be exposed? Sometimes there is not even a choice. In my case, I believe that God allowed that world to come crashing down. When I got fired, it was a turning point in my life. I could either get up and build a different world or I could hold on to the rubble and keep building among the ruins.  I chose to get up out of the ruins and build something different. I don't know what it is or what it will become but for once in my life I know what passion is. Yes, it is scary but it is also wonderful. Who knows what I may let you in on next...

This Conversation...

I have been so tired lately. And pitiful. Tired and pitiful and I didn't care who knew it! First of all, I started a new job (one the God gave me) and it was great at first. The training was really fun and I made some new friends. Oh, not TOO close of friends because I have been standing my ground about not making friends at work. But these were people I enjoyed hanging out with. I suddenly forgot about all the times I said, "Just be grateful you have a job!" Because now I'm seeing that even when you have a job, if you can't pay all the bills, it can be discouraging.

Then there is the dog that God also gave me. Oh how he LOVES to lick his feet! And everything else he comes in contact with. I love him with all my heart but I actually thought about sending him to live with my mother for a week so I wouldn't have to listen to all the different noises (and smells) he makes. Maybe then I could get a full night's sleep without him scratching on the door in the middle of the night.

Oh, and let me tell you about the house that God blessed me with. I went to turn the air on and, well, it came on. And stayed on. All night long. But it was never any cooler in here so the repair man had to come fix it. Then he kept bugging me at work to sign some paper and fax it back to him.

I'm too big. The neighbors are too loud. Nobody cares about me. Maybe I'm not cute enough. I can't trust anyone. I'm probably going to get in a wreck and die. This is a stupid re-run! Why can't they EVER put anything new on TV? They are talking about me behind my back. Some people have all the luck but it's never me. I'll never measure up. When is this day going to be over? My back is killing me. I wish I even had enough money for a manicure. I think I'm going crazy. What if I have cancer!? I hope I don't get old and have nobody to care for me. This cake looks terrible. He's with someone else. Don't believe they are your friend. Trust NO ONE. Geez! Don't tell me the shower already needs to be cleaned again. I'm so sick of going to the store. I'm not in that great of a mood.

Do you get the picture?  Do you see where I am going with this? Well, I was sitting in front of my computer the other night. I guess maybe I have noticed this before but it never jumped out at me before like it did this time. I had just deleted an email and my computer flashed a sign that said,

"This conversation has been moved to the trash."

Immediately I thought to myself, "As it should be!" Then it dawned on me. How many conversations have I had with myself lately that needed to be moved to the trash? Or how many conversations have I had with other people that needed to be moved to the trash? In counseling we call it "negative self-talk." There is a technique that is regularly used with clients who experience things such as depression or anxiety. It goes something like this: The client is to have easy access to a pad of paper and a pen. At regular intervals throughout the day, he is to write down the thoughts that have passed through his mind. Doing this for a number of days creates awareness about the kinds of things we talk to ourselves about. I just did it a couple of paragraphs ago. Those were really my thoughts. I didn't know exactly how badly I had been talking to myself until I was getting them all out on paper, so to speak. Well, lately it has been a lot and that is disobedience to God in an ever-so-subtle way. The Bible says,

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8.

It does not say, "I suggest that you think about such things" or "Try as hard as you can to think about such things." It just says to think about them. Period. It doesn't even give us a choice to do anything else. I read several different versions and they all began with "Finally" which leads me to believe that is was the final word on the subject. It's like when your mother says, "That's what I said and that is final!" There is no argument, no choice there. It was final.

So anyway, the other part of the counseling assignment goes like this. Once you get the hang of monitoring your thoughts and listening to the ugly things you say about yourself, you start replacing them with better stuff. That sounds an awful lot like Philippians 4:8, doesn't it?  I did not say it was easy or fun. In fact, it is a lot of work. It is very disheartening to realize how negative we really are when we talk to and about ourselves. No wonder we get depressed and anxious!! I also know how difficult it can be to refrain from thinking the bad things and then letting them come straight out my mouth. So I've decided to rely on the following verse as my daily prayer,

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer."

I know that it will take the strength of the Lord to change my thoughts and words. So starting right now, let me say that I am so thankful that I have a job and, although it doesn't pay as much as my previous one, I know God will take care of me. My heart is also full when I think of my little dog who licks eveything in sight because I know that he has a deep affection for me. I wouldn't trade him for the world and he is not going to stay with my mother for a week. God has blessed me with this beautiful house and is teaching me all kinds of wonderful things about how to take care of it. All of the previous complaints have definitely been moved to the trash!

Definition of Myself

I was in Bible Study class recently and one of the points of the lesson stated, "Do not allow yourself to be defined by your past mistakes." I think it hit home because I had been doing just that. I had imagined people looking me in the face and telling me that I was ok and then judging me behind my back. I could imagine them saying things like, “I can’t believe she did that! Poor girl really messed her life up this time.” Or, “Well, she knew better than that and now she’ll just have to deal with the consequences.” In reality, I’m sure there may have been some people who have said those things. Shoot! I’ve said those things about myself!

It’s like the football player who ran the wrong way. Now I’m not much of a football fan so I don’t know who this guy was or what team he played for. But I do know that there is only one direction to run in that game for any one team to get ahead and this guy ran the opposite of that. The opposing team didn’t stop him because he was scoring points for them. He thought all the people screaming at him were cheering him on. Later it was said that he felt like that one mistake had ruined, not only his career, but his entire life. He defined himself by that mistake and by what people may have said about him afterward. No matter how well he had ever played before or after, that is the thing that people would always remember. He knew the rules to the game. He knew better than to run the way he ran. I don’t know what happened so I can only speculate. Maybe he got confused and disoriented during all of the excitement of the game. Perhaps he was under a lot of stress to perform well and it overwhelmed him. Possibly he was distracted by the prestige of being a star or maybe he hadn’t gotten enough sleep. We don’t know!! What we do know is that he never really recovered from his mistake. In a way, it is somewhat understandable. On the other hand, I wish he had been strong enough refuse being defined by that debacle because it has led to a life of misery for him.

For me, I refuse to be defined by the mistakes I make. I know my failures and shortcomings. Most of the time I am tempted to take only those things in to consideration when I inventory my life. However, from this point forward, I intend to define myself in a different way. I’m a child of the King, a member of royalty. As such, I am blessed with a rich heritage that, yes, makes mistakes but is able to rise above them with grace and honor. Because I watch my Father and try to imitate Him, I have developed a character that proves to be strong. I have found a strength that causes me to persist even when people tell me I can’t make it or that I’m ruined. I’ve learned to take things in stride and trust that my Father is in control of the entire kingdom and is negotiating for me. Because I am His offspring, I care for people (sometimes too much), I forgive, I love, I respect, and I give. I am honest and kind and I have a genuine interest in the wellbeing of others. So remember me as “the girl who messed up” if you are so inclined. I refuse to be defined that way. I hope you also will take an honest inventory of your life and decide how you would like to be defined and just go for it.

It's Not Over Yet ~

I was sitting in church last night. It was Wednesday evening and since I have not been a member of this church for long, it was only my second Wednesday evening service to attend.  The singing was absolutely beautiful though! On Wednesdays they sing acapella - without music - and the sound of the voices blending is astonishing! You can feel the Spirit sweeping across the building, soaking in the praise and worship.

The sermon came from Acts 8:26 - 40 and it is about the Ethiopian eunuch.  In case you do not know, a eunuch is a man who has been castrated. That way, when he is guarding the queen he will not be able to sexually assault her or carry on an inappropriate affair or get distracted from his duties. It was explained to us that in that day, eunuchs sometimes became eunuchs because they were forced to.  On the other hand, some became eunuchs because they wanted to rise within the ranks and that was the only way to do so. Now I'm not a man but I couldn't help but ask myself right then and there "who would DO that?!"  Aparrently this eunuch had become a eunuch in order to rise in the ranks, to climb the corporate ladder, so to speak. His chariot was the equivalent of a private jet and he owned his own copy of Isaiah, something that was very impressive!  It still doesn't seem worth it to me. Anyway, the Ethiopian eunuch had just been to Jerusalem to worship; however, he did not get saved there. He got saved on the way back when the Spirit miraculously told Philip to approach the chariot and stand beside it. It sounds to me like God was asking Philip to eavesdrop... but whatever. It so happened that when Philip approached the chariot, he saw the eunuch reading the book of the prophet Isaiah. The eunuch didn't understand what he was reading so Philip explained it to him and the eunuch ended up getting saved. But actually, that is not the part I wanted to talk about here. I just had to go through all that to get to the good part. It was at this point in the sermon that I got distracted because I got hung up on a verse that the eunuch was probably also reading from Isaiah 56:3-6:

3. And let not any eunuch complain, "I am only a dry tree." 4. For this is what the LORD says: "To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose what pleases me and hold fast to my covenant- 5. to them I will give within my temple and its walls a memorial and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that will not be cut off."

In my mind, here was a eunuch who had worked very hard and had given up everything to become a high-ranking official. He had even given up his most precious body part, the one part that would have enabled him to leave a legacy by taking a wife and having children. At this point in his life, I'm assuming that the eunuch discovered that he longed to be able to have children so that his bloodline, as well as his legacy, could continue. Instead, he saw himself as "a dry tree."  What he had done by becoming a eunuch was irreversible. Some things don't grow back. And some things can't be undone.  Lots of things he would have been able to change, but not this.  Even though he had done it for what seemed to be an honorable cause at the time, he would give anything if he could change it back now. But he couldn't - not ever.

And that is how we are. Life goes on and we do things that we can't undo or that we can't change. Ever. We long to have a future and a legacy to pass on but it seems so hopeless because of that one unchangeable decision. We cut off a body part that was most valuable. Or cut off a relationship that meant the world to us. Or we turned our back on our calling. Maybe you had an abortion or gave up a baby for adoption. Or maybe you searched but didn't find that person to spend your life with and now you are getting older. There are so many things it could be but the bottom line is, it seems hopeless because of a decision you made. You've lost the one thing that could have meant a future for you and you can't change it or get it back.

But take heart! Satan never has the last word. It is not over yet! The Lord said that if we will choose to keep His Sabbaths and if we choose to do what pleases Him and if we hold fast to His covenant, then we will be remembered by something even better than what we thought, had we been able to undo that one bad decision. God is so gracious. Though our actions have consequences and are sometimes painful beyond words, God will still give us the chance to leave a legacy if we cling to Him and strive to please Him.  Another verse that comes to my mind is Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

I could go on and on because these past few months I have had times when I felt hopeless and that my life was finished. Regret colored many of my days with despair and my heart was heavy as a rock. I was like a eunuch who longed to have a family and nothing could change my situation. But now, I have heard from the Lord and been assured that my life is not over. I don't know what the future holds but I intend to walk closely with the Lord and cling to Him so that I can find out. Now honestly, I do love going to church and I did hear part of the sermon last evening. I just happened to get stuck on my own sermon and it was definitely one God wanted me to hear. Please don't give in to the notion that God is finished with you or that it is too late to prosper for His kingdom. He is capable of anything and you have no idea what He has in store. It's not over yet.