Daughter of the King

I Am Thankful ~

2011-11-04T21:20:00.000-05:00

I was going to say that I am thankful for God. And I truly am. Maybe you are judging me for not putting Him on Day 1. I just feel like I can't spend 10 minutes on a blog about God that does Him justice and I really don't have much brain power left today. So today, will be about DOG instead of GOD. Come to think of it, my dog has taught me so much about God. You can see more about that in this blog. For now, let me show you what makes me so thankful for my little Tuglet. This is going to be cute overload, so get ready!

November 3 ~

2011-11-03T18:45:00.000-05:00

Ok so I have a confession to make. Day 1 was my dad, day 2 was my mom. Day 3 was a tie between my brother, Jeff, and my dog, Tug! (Sorry Jeff!) I just kept thinking about Tug's furry little cute face. Then I would think about my brother's furry little, um, face... decisions, decisions! But guess what? My brother would definitely win out if it came right down to the line. Probably.... well, yeah, he would.

My brother is absolutely the best brother in the world. And I'm not just saying that because Christmas is coming up either! He really is. When we were little... LOOK! We really were!

Ok, you can stop laughing at my bird legs now. Anyways, when we were little, we used to fight like all brothers and sisters do. Like all siblings do. But we had some really good times too. I remember once when we were both sick, my mom gave us a hot toddy. (She's gonna kill me for telling that). Anyways, we both then started pretending to be drunk.

I'm pretty sure we were pretending.

When it snowed outside, we used to get all bundled up and go make snow forts. I tried to get a few snow angels in here and there between getting pelted with snowballs but we mostly made forts.

We also used to go crawdad fishing. Again, I bet you can guess whose idea that was. Oh, and periodically we would drive our bikes to the school and play a little one-on-one basketball.

You might think I was a tomboy after hearing me talk about all those things. Nope! I've always been as girly as they come! On the other hand, I always wanted to be around my big brother. And if crawdad fishing and snowball fights were what it took, I was all for it.

This is Jeff now with his beautiful wife, Dallas. (I'm thankful for her too).

Awww! SO cute!

I'm so thankful that my brother and I have stayed close and haven't drifted apart like some siblings.

Love you Jeff!

November 2 ~

2011-11-03T07:58:00.000-05:00

I know, I know! I am a bit late for November 2nd. It was kind of long and busy though and I just couldn't get it in. But I will definitely catch up today on being thankful!

On the first day, I said I was thankful for my father. I'm also thankful for my mother.

She is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her. Whenever I have a problem, she is the first person I call. I think she can fix anything.

I know she has tried. From hamsters to hearts, she can fix them all!!

I have precious memories from the time I was a little bitty girl - showing me how to tie my shoes, teaching me the ABCs, sewing and baking...

Ok, so she did the baking, I licked the bowl. Same thing.

There are not enough words to describe how thankful I am for my mother.

Time to get a new picture of us!

November ~

2011-11-01T08:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, so one of my friends had a GREAT idea. She stated that since November is the month of Thanksgiving, she will give thanks every day for God's blessings. I just wanted to get right in on that because so many times Thanksgiving is skipped and we go right on to Christmas. Last night I took a walk (ok, I was really chasing the dog when he got out!) and one of my far neighbors had Christmas lights on in their front yard. WHAT?! I love Christmas, it is my favorite holiday of the year by far. But I do not want to skip over Thanksgiving.

So I've decided to choose one thing each day that I am thankful for and blog it. I'm not promising anything long and introspective. Just something I'm thankful for. So here is the first thing I am thankful for:

On Father's Day 2011

I could have said "family" but I am especially thankful for my daddy today. He is such a character, always making us laugh and being corny. He takes teasing pretty well also.

This is us when I was much, MUCH younger! See what a good dad he is?? I treasure this picture.

So today, I am thankful for my dad.

Treats for All! ~

2011-10-24T21:37:00.000-05:00

My roommate and I share a lot of the same interests. So when she asked me if I would like to make treats to give to some of our neighbors, I was all for it! We looked for idea for a few days and here is what we came up with -

These are pretzel sticks. We originally wanted to dip them in yellow, orange, and white chocolate to look like a candy corn. However, stores are out of all the Halloweenish colors of candy melts except for ghoulish green. So we went with it. Just melt the chocolate, spoon it over the pretzels and then put sprinkles all over. Cute, huh?

These are Candy Corn sugar cookies. The recipe for them can be found here.
And a few other places on the Internet.

These are caramel apples. Megan bought the caramel pieces that come in a bag and look like chocolate chips. Much easier than unwrapping all those caramel candies!

Just melt and dip!

Here are some Cookies n Cream apples. Just melt your white chocolate with a tiny bit of shortening and dip your apples. Sprinkle them with crushed Oreos. They look kinda messy but I'm sure they are delish! This recipe came from Woman's Day magazine.

This is the supervisor of the whole operation. He literally had to see everything that was going on in that kitchen before he finally got so tired he laid down in a chair. LOL! Don't worry, he never got near the food!

We packaged them up in these really cute bags.

I couldn't find any Halloween gift tags so I made my own. I don't own any of those scrapbooking punch thingamabobs so I just traced around some cookie cutters and cut them out with scissors. I thought they looked good for a rookie.

Each bag had 1 caramel apple, 1 cookies n cream apple, 20 cookies (they are very small), and 4 chocolate covered pretzel sticks.

We chose 5 houses to visit. Our next door neighbors are the best and always there when we need anything so they were the first we visited. They weren't home. I thought it would be so fun and the neighbors would all want to know our names and say how kind we are. And we would take pictures of this momentous occasion. I know, I have crazy dreams!

SOOOO, we went on to the house on the other side of them. We don't know these people but they were home. The little boy who lives there let the dog out and my dog tried to start a fight with him...

Anyways, so after we got the dogs calmed down, we introduced ourselves and went on.

The next house was across the street and the couple happened to be in their garage. We went over and said hello and gave them their Halloween treats. They said thank you but looked at us like we were crazy. I'm not sure they speak English...

The next 2 houses had lights on but nobody came to the door so we just left the cute little bags hanging on the door knob. Hopefully they do come out through the front door sometimes.

Anyways, we still had a fun time traipsing around making fools of ourselves. And while they sort through their candy apples and cookies looking for needles and razor blades, we will be at home feeling good about our good deeds!

Candy Corn Sugar Cookies ~

2011-10-23T16:41:00.001-05:00

I know you have all seen these cookies on Pinterest.

I LOOOOOVVVEEEE candy corn. So. Much.

I know, I know! It is pure sugar but I just don't care. Every once in a while I have to haul myself over to the gift shop and buy a 50-cent bag of them. And not just at Halloween either!

Anyways, this is a very good idea but I put it on the back burner because every other cookie has the stripes going in the wrong order.

Everyone knows that white is never the color on the big end. Right?

Yellow is on that end. For all time and eternity. So the fact that half of these cookies is wrong, well, that just held me back.

But then, PTL (Praise the Lord)! I saw that Sweetsugarbelle had figured out how to make all the stripes be right. She simply dipped the ends of all the cookies in yellow candy melts! I swear, she's a genius!

So I headed to Hobby Lobby and picked up the only bag of yellow candy melts they had left.

Close call.

So, that's how you do it and this is one of the treats we packaged up in our neighborhood treat bags. Yes, that's how we roll and our neighbors are gonna be so happy!

YUM!!

Here is the recipe I used to make the sugar cookie dough. It is a bit different from most recipes that I've seen because it calls for 6 egg yolks and no whites. But hey, that's what makes them so chewy! I wouldn't use any other recipe.

Thick Sugar Cookies

6 egg yolks

4 eggs2 cups butter, softened

2 1/2 cups white sugar

7 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 tablespoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

3 teaspoons vanilla extract

In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each. Combine flour, baking powder, and salt; stir into the sugar mixture. Cover dough and chill for at least one hour. Roll the dough out on parchment paper to 1/2 inch thick and cut into desired shapes using cookie cutters. Leave the cookies on the paper and put them in the freezer. After they are frozen, pop them out of the extra dough and either put them in a freezer bag or bake them. To bake, preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Place some parchment paper on cookie sheets. Place frozen cookies 2 inches apart on to the prepared baking sheets. Bake for about 10 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.

Obviously, for these, you don't do the rolling out part. I made 1 recipe and it was enough for 2 9X5 loaf pans. If you want just one, then you can halve the recipe. (Duh). Also, do not skip the freezing of the dough part. Unless you just want round candy corns for some reason...

So here is what my dough looked like before I put it in the oven. I just cooked them for 8 minutes because they are really small.

Here is what they looked like after I dipped them in yellow chocolate on the correct end.

I know they aren't as pretty as Sweetsugarbelle's but I know they taste as good!

Reframe Your Life ~

2011-10-23T12:18:00.003-05:00

I've decided that I won't let life just "happen" anymore. It takes an effort to LIVE life and not just be here. Sometimes we get tired and we just have to lay down and rest. That's ok. After all, we are human. There is a difference in resting and being passive. Right now, I'm resting but I'm not being passive. When I was sick, I had to rest a lot but I was not passive. During that time, I wanted to live more than ever because the threat of my life being taken away was real. I wanted to hang on to it with everything in me. Now that I'm over being sick, it is easy to fall back into that passive state where things just happen and that's that. But I'm not, I'm determined to live. And I want to share with you something that occurred to me this morning, after having a bad evening yesterday.

I have to change my way of thinking.

After living for years in a pattern, I realize that it is difficult to change your way of thinking. That's where the effort part comes in. Let me give you an example. This is the best example I have because it just happened to me. And is happening to me now.
I finished radiation treatments 5 weeks ago. I have complained endlessly because I can taste hardly anything. The things I can taste don't taste right, not even close. Anyone who knows me well has heard me beg them not to use artificial sweetener for the simple fact that it tastes terrible. Now, almost everything I eat leaves the same aftertaste to me. Also, anyone who knows me, knows that I make ends meet by baking and selling cakes and cupcakes. I also enjoy the creative outlet that baking affords me. I love to find new recipes and try them and change them up and make them my own. How easy or enjoyable do you think that is when everything tastes like crap??? It's not.
So last night I had a big ole pity party. I was on the Cancer Survivors Network website and reading what other people said. Some said they got their taste buds back after a year. Some of them never did. Some of them experienced difficulties swallowing some foods (as I do) and certain foods are painful to eat (such as black pepper or garlic or chips or bacon). I'm not going to gloss it over - I cried. It seems silly to you I know but read this amazing story about a chef who found out he had stage 4 tongue cancer and it will help you understand.
This morning I woke up and decided to start living and stop worrying. I can not change what goes on with my mouth or my taste buds. But I can look at it as a blessing instead of a problem. This is actually called "reframing" something I learned in school but have seldom applied to myself. I won't go into all the technical stuff regarding that term, I'll just tell you how I did it. I just did it in my head, you might have to pull out a piece of paper. I will probably actually pull out a piece of paper myself later, lest I forget the lesson I learned today.
First of all, write down what the problem is. DO NOT write down how to fix it because, frankly, there may not be a way to fix it. Next, write down what is good about the problem. Wait! Don't throw in the towel, hear me out! At least read and see what the good part about my problem is. Here's my list...

1. I will probably lose weight.
2. I will be much healthier.
3. I will have time to learn other skills.
4. I can inspire someone else.
5. I won't crave things because I can't taste them anyways!
6. When my taste buds return I will have learned how to control my habits.

You see, food has been a source of pleasure for me. Not only pleasure but also comfort. And a fix for boredom. And a source of confidence. And many things that it should not have been. So the fact that I can't taste it now has thrown a wrench into things. Where do I go now for pleasure? For comfort, for excitement, and for confidence? Do you see where I'm going with this? So losing my taste buds could quite possibly be a good thing, although a bit frustrating.
During this time (possibly a year or forever), I plan to learn some other skills. I can learn to build things. I can use the time I would have been baking to go to the gym. I can learn how to eat to live, rather than live to eat. The fact is, I HAVE to eat in order to live. Now I can choose what's healthy and make it a habit, quite easily. I've also found another side to not being able to taste. I don't eat sugar anymore and so my body has adjusted accordingly and I feel amazing! Well, not right this moment because I have a cold. But I have been feeling so good without all of that sugar making me sleepy. I can't taste sugar, so I don't drink sodas anymore, one of the most unnecessary and unhealthy products ever made.
Those are the good things about my problem. See how I "reframed" everything?
And that is how you do it. Pick out the good in any situation and build on it. Become an optimist. Let go of your ideas. CHANGE YOUR WAY OF THINKING! It takes practice and effort but it is definitely worth it in the end!

The Spice of Life ~

2011-10-17T18:09:00.004-05:00

I recently acquired a new roommate, Megan, who is extremely awesome. She also loves to bake about as much as I do. That is a good things except that we have run out of space for things in our kitchen. Everyone has that cabinet that has little bottles that you knock out when you try to find anything behind them. You never know if you our out of a certain spice or just can't find it! So I started looking online and found these 2 spice racks that I really liked that I thought would not take up much room.

I liked the first one but I wasn't sure how to make all of those compartments. And what is the point of a do-it-yourself project if you can't do-it-yourself? So then I thought the second one looked great and I would just do that. But THEN I found this frame when I was cleaning out my garage.

It was gold and apparently it used to hang in my parents' bathroom.
It is a 12 X 15 frame and I thought it would work perfectly to make my own magnetic spice rack!

I painted it with primer. I think it looked good with just the primer, to be honest. But I already knew in my head what color I was going to paint it and there was no turning back!

This is the kind of primer I used. I know nothing really about primer except that you should use it to help the paint stick to whatever you are painting. However, I do know that you are supposed to get grey primer when you are painting something a bright color because it takes less coats than if you used white primer. I read that this "Gripper" from Glidden is a very good one to try.

So then I painted it this lovely green color called "Sultana" by Martha Stewart. I know it looks yellow in the picture! I just got a new camera and I haven't figured out everything about it yet...

Here is a closer look at the frame. I think it has some pretty nifty detailing around it. After the paint dried I sprayed it with sealer.

I don't have pictures of the next part but it involved sheet metal and metal snippers. I bought a small sheet of metal that was 12 X something inches big and had to cut it down to size. The sheet of metal was $5. One word of wisdom - measure TWICE, cut ONCE. That's right, I had to go right back to Home Depot and buy the remaining sheet of metal. Once I had it snipped to the right size, I just put it in the frame and my spice rack was ready to go!

I love these spice tins and clear spice labels.

I got them at The Container Store. They were $5.99 for 3 of them but I justified the cost. They have lids that turn so that you can sprinkle the spices out. Or there is a bigger hole if you want more to come out. Or you can take the whole lid off if you are using a measuring spoon. Also, there was already a magnet on the back of each tin, saving me the trouble of buying them and gluing them on. And... if I had bought just the regular tins, the shipping would have made them cost just as much. So there. Justified.

See those letter? I got those at Michael's. They are stuck to the wall with two-faced tape. (The tape had an attitude also, it was quite stuck-up!) I spray-painted them red because I have some other things in my kitchen that are red. I'm hoping to change the curtains at some point so they'll fit in better.

I think it looks pretty good and is practical as well as pretty!

Fabulous Day! ~

2011-10-16T21:36:00.001-05:00

I know I've said this a lot lately, but this was a wonderful day! It really was packed with lots of good stuff. First of all, I woke up and put on my favorite jeans and they were LOOSE! Imagine that!

Great cause for celebration for sure. Then I got up and got ready for church. We listened to an awesome sermon about "A Legacy" and I got to sit with a couple of really good friends. After church on of them wanted to take some pictures of me and I let her.

And we took some of her little ~~monkey~~ boy, Matthew. He is SOOOO cute!

After I left church, I went home and picked up Tug and we went on a field trip to Petco. Tug loves to walk around the store and have everyone ooh and aah over him and get petted. He also loves that they have treats that look like cookies. Look how excited he was!

After we got home, it was time to carve pumpkins! My roommate and I had picked out some nice pumpkins and used the 2 biggest ones to carve.

Let me tell you, those little pumpkin carving kits are made for ONE PUMPKIN ONLY!! But we made it work.

Turned out pretty cute, huh?! We saved the seeds and roasted them in the oven. It has been years and years since I have had them. We just dried them in the oven for 30 minutes then tossed them in olive oil and sea salt and baked for 30 more minutes. I have a feeling I missed out on how good they tasted...

So then after that I finished up the magnetic spice rack I've been working on this week. I had it all done, just had to hang it. I'll show you what it took to make it in another post. Pretty easy and pretty cheap too!

The lids are clear so all the spices can show through and I found some labels that have all the spice names on them. Oh how I love spices!

I plan to change the curtains soon so everything matches.

Now I'm working on some cinnamon rolls and writing this blog while I wait for them to rise. Can't wait til they are done and I get to go to bed! It's been a long and fabulous day!

Spongebob Squarepants ~

2011-10-15T10:10:00.002-05:00

This is the first cake I've made since, well, you know. I was pretty excited! I didn't take pictures along the way because 1) I forgot about it and 2) I just wanted to get it done. But I always take pictures of the finished product so here it is!

I almost forgot the nose. I just kept looking at him and thinking that something didn't look right. Well, nobody looks right without a nose! His legs are made out of pretzel sticks covered in fondant.

The flavor is White Chocolate, possibly one of the yummiest cakes I've ever eaten. I couldn't taste it but I know it's good because I've had it soooo many times. I actually did have to have someone taste the buttercream because I started daydreaming when I started adding the salt. It was fine though. It is frosted with buttercream and covered in homemade marshmallow fondant. Honestly, I don't eat the fondant, even the homemade kind. However, it does smell better and taste better than the store bought. Homemade is really the only kind of fondant that is good enough to come in contact with my cakes! Gotta go deliver him - see ya later!!

Fear

2011-10-09T14:36:00.001-05:00

When I woke up this morning I looked like this:

Ok, maybe I'm exagerating but I did feel like that. I don't know what was (is) going on but my eye was swollen like someone hit me. My ear was swollen shut and I couldn't hear. Still can't out of that side because of the ringing in my ear. My jaw was sagging on that side and my head hurt. I felt (feel) like a monster. It was not a day I wanted to meet any new people - and that is where the fear began.

I'm scared of crowds...

See, I was supposed to go to a new Sunday school class today and I already have a huge fear of meeting new people, especially a whole crowd of them. I really couldn't do it looking like that.

But I still made it to church. I wondered on the whole drive over what was happening in that side of my face. I was struggling in a way that I haven't for quite some time. All the way to church I kept thinking about the future and "what if" this or "what if that" - fear. By the time I made it to the door, I was really, really tired! And irritable!

But wouldn't you know it, God had already prepared a sermon for me. We worshipped and praised and then sat down for Communion. As the crackers and grape juice (yes, that's how we roll) were passed out, a member of the praise team started singing:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives. All fear is gone.
Because I knowwwwwwww, He holds the futureLife is worth the living just because He lives!

I swear, this happens every Sunday. I go in with all these things on my mind and God answers them in one way or another. Pastor Rick's message was about worry and fear also. Let me tell you, I whole-heartedly disagree with this:

I refuse to live with fear. I refuse to sit down and invite fear to breakfast, dinner, or even a tea-party! Fear isn't welcome in my home or in my head because it takes the joy out of living and clouds the future. I've decided that when fear does try to raise stick his big ugly head in the door, I will have to slam it shut. I already belong to God and anything that comes my way, I can make it through.

BOO!!! ~

2011-10-08T23:05:00.004-05:00

I haven't had any deep thoughts in... a while. I actually have, but none I can share right now. However, I have figured out one thing. I'm way too busy to do so many things! I thought I was going to start a new blog - do some crafting and show you. But I also like to bake. And I like to write. And build stuff and sew. There is probably nothing I won't try to do once and, as luck would have it, I like a lot of what I try. Especially now that I've decided to be happy and live to the fullest.

Soooooo....

I don't have time to create a different blog to appeal to that many audiences - I would be up 24/7. So what I figured out is that whoever chooses to read THIS blog, will have to read a little of everything. So you never know, you may be reading a book review here one day and then looking at a craft the next. Or I may choose to show you THE cutest picture in the world...

Like this...

Or this.

And hopefully some day I'll have another deep though I can share with you. But it isn't today because todaayyy, I want to show you what I made last night! You will look at it and think, "Why was she so excited to show me that?" But I don't care. It's what I did with my life for a while and I like it.

I saw THIS on Pinterest and thought it could be adapted to any holiday really. (These are really cute but I have another "joy" to do for Christmas).

So I decided to try it, adapting it to Halloween. First of all, I went to Hobby Lobby to look for some picture frames but they didn't have what I needed. So I spent another hour just looking at stuff before heading on over to Michael's. I ended up getting these picture frames which were $1 each. I really wanted to get some black ones that I didn't have to paint but they were $4 each. I needed black paint for another project anyways so I decided to go with these.

Then I went next door to Home Depot and got some black paint. Oh, excuse me! The color is actually Francesca, since Martha has to make everything so dramatic. You can buy sample bottles of her paint for a little under $3.

Went home and painted those suckers. Note to self - even if you don't have any newspaper, do NOT use an old towel as a drop cloth. Fuzz everywhere.

Then I just used some orange scrap book paper and cut it to size. I don't have one of those fancy schmancy machines that cuts out the letters for me so I just traced and cut with scissors. I had some left-over black-and-orange ribbon from last year which I glued to the back of the frames. I then punched black dots with my 3-hole punch and glued them on.

And, TA-DAH!!!

I hung them in the foyer with my Fall decorations.

I think it turned out TOADALLY cute! (Sorry, lol)

Finished~!

2011-09-19T19:24:00.001-05:00

I can not tell you how good this day is! This was the last day of radiation for me. That may not seem like much to some of you but to anyone who has had radiation because for head/neck cancer (or any cancer for that matter) it is a major big deal! To be honest, I tried to talk the doctor into letting me skip the last treatment so I could be done on Friday. I have a thing about things being even. Or all in a row. That's just how I am... But back to the point. I got to keep my mask that I had to wear each time. It's really more like a trophy to me but I think I am going to put it in the recycle bin. When you come around the corner having forgotten it's there, it is pretty startling! Take a look at it and you'll see what I mean.

Scary isn't it?! When I first started, that mouth hole wasn't there. It was only a small hole for my nose. Not that my nose is small or anything but the hole was just big enough for me to breathe through. Then one day I was really sick when I came in and they cut out the mouth hole "just in case."

You know what is even more scary? See those gray buckles on the side of it?

And see those buckles on the side and top of the head too? Those were buckled down to the table so I couldn't move. You know, they didn't want me to turn my head and radiate my eyeball or something. The Xs on the side and chin are measurements that help them know where to place their machine. Boy am I glad that's over! I do have a few battle scars that the doctor says look really good compared to some. He said they would probably heal relatively quickly.

Here is my poor neck and ear.

I know I've said this before but thank God for long hair! Remember how I told you I have no feeling in my ear and in parts of that side of my face? Well, last night I was sitting in the recliner and I felt something on my ear. God forbid there be anything on my ear so I just pulled it right off. I had no idea it was SKIN! I didn't feel it though, that's the good part. The not so good part is that if I had known I had skin falling off, I would have done something about it before it got so bad!

I saw the oncologist before I left today. I got my certificate of completion and I got to ring the bell so everyone could share in the joy that my treatment was over. I have lost 12 pounds since I started, most of them in the last 2 weeks. See if you can tell.

Before

After

Well, and to be fair, my face was still somewhat swollen in the first picture. And I looked really tired. Now in the second one, I just look messy but that's kinda how I look sometimes, lol.

I'm looking forward to getting on with my life. They tell me the fatigue will wear off anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months. I'm thinking it will be more like 2 days!

My Food Obsession ~

2011-09-03T19:27:00.002-05:00

OK, so I'm going to tell you a secret. I think I am addicted to food. Not that that would be so shocking in and of itself because I've kind of suspected it all along. And I'm not trying to make light of it because any kind of addiction is not funny at all. But here is the really twisted part of it all: I can't taste ANYTHING right now! I have never been so frustrated in my life! I guess it would be like someone who is used to smoking weed all of their life and then suddenly, when they do, they don't get high anymore.

I eat because, well, you know, we all have to eat to live. But I do not enjoy it AT ALL right now. It might not be so bad except that I love to cook. I love to try new flavors. I like to eat out at unfamiliar places. I remember the first time I went to Byblos Hookah Lounge. (First of all, it isn't what it sounds like. It's really not a lounge and please look up "hookah" if you don't know what it is). I was so excited to try Lebanese food for the first time. Then there is King Tut where you will find some of the best Egyptian food anywhere. And when I was on my vegan kick (which lasted almost a month) I was all gung-ho for the Spiral Diner and even the Mellow Mushroom with it's selection of vegetarian pizzas and subs. If you want to know the best German food or French cuisine in Fort Worth, I know where they are.

So now that I can't taste anything, it's as if I'm obsessed with food. I watch the Food Network and reminisce about the days of old. At times I make dishes and hope to heaven that I can taste it when it's done. Not so. It smells divine but ends up tasting like globs of rubber or wallpaper paste or hockey pucks. Here's another thing I've noticed myself doing. I look around on the Internet at recipes and just imagine what they would taste like. I don't know why I torture myself so!! I think I am truly a foodie at heart!
So here's my plan and I sure do hope it works. I have 2 more weeks of these treatments. After that, I have a week before it is my birthday. During that week, my taste buds better get themselves regenerated or else! And then, because I know I can't go hog wild (get it? hog wild? haha!) I am going to have one of these foods on my list each day until I get alllllll caught up. And not necessarily in this order. But maybe in this order, depending on who cooperates, lol.

1. My mother's best friend, Mary, is going to make me a blackberry cream pie. (And whatever else I can talk her into).
2. My sister-in-law, Dallas, is going to make me some chocolate chip cookies. (Jeff said you would)!
3. Hoo-ya's - a place in Denton that I haven't been to in forever but can't stop thinking about.
4. Whataburger with Liz Brown. (What a burger)!
5. Redneck Caviar, per my friend, Stephanie Holmes' recipe which she posted and I also can't stop thinking about.
6. Coffee (which is a given of course). And yes, I know it is not really a food.
7. Apple Pie.
8. Naan bread with Hummus.
9. A bacon, egg, & cheese biscuit.
10. Wedge Salad with feta cheese.
11. Macaroni and cheese like my Granny makes cuz I'm sure she IS the one who makes it in heaven.
12. Birthday cake!
13. Banana Pudding by Bruce Gilbert. (I hate to admit, it's better than mine).
14. And because I can't stop on unlucky #13 and because it is most important, Rosa's OR Taco Bueno with my parents because, well, that's just how we roll.
Oh wait, I forgot Taco Casa. That'll be another day. Makes me sick to think about it right now :(

So, that's only 2 weeks worth of what I'm craving. If you would like to add a day, feel free to go right ahead!

Just Stop ~

2011-09-03T18:40:00.001-05:00

I don't have anything special in mind today to write about. I haven't been mulling over something that struck me like I normally do. Even so, my heart is full of a lot of things. Things that don't seem to go together in a story or an article and probably will not make sense but I have to get them out all the same.

We all know that hard things change people and either shape them or break them. A couple of years ago I faced something that almost broke me but, over time, I let it shape me a little bit. This year, I faced something that has shaped me. And the difference is, I didn't fight it. I accepted it and decided to trust God no matter what. Maybe it's because that was really the only option but, all the same, I did it willingly.

I have spent the last I-don't-know-how-many years working and working and working. Every minute was tied up trying to make ends meet and, to be truthful, I was wearing out. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. But still, I made myself keep going because that is what I thought I had to do. I can't lose anything, I can't go backwards, I can't stop, I can't give in, I can't look like a fool, etc, etc, etc. And then everything came to a screeching halt. I found out I had a tumor and would have to be off work for 2 weeks. Well, I took 8 days instead of 10 because I really thought I didn't have the time to fully recover. Then I found out my tumor was really cancer and I would have to do radiation. In my head I thought, "No big deal, let's get this done. I have to get back to work so I can make ends meet." Amidst all of the side-effects that come along with radiation treatments, I was determined to keep going and I didn't want to take off work.

God had other plans.

At some point, I had to give up. Not just physically but also in every other way as well. It is noble to keep fighting in the face of adversity. It really is. But sometimes, it is more noble to let it all go and admit that you can't. That is exactly where I found myself. I can't go to work because I can't perform my job well. I can't pay my bills because I now have medical bills that outweigh those other ones. I can't cook my own meals because nothing sounds good and everything makes me feel sick. I may as well go to bed.

So I did. I threw in the towel and went to bed. I wasn't depressed. Just very, very tired. I really had no other choice but to slow down. Well, not so much slow down, but just stop.

I just realized that there are so many things I've been missing. I've been missing the quiet time of just doing nothing. At all. I've been missing time with God. I've been missing how it is to pray for my friends and family like I should. I've missed the times of reflection instead of worry. I've really missed hanging out with friends. Just been trying to fix it all myself and never NEVER give up.

But Wednesday night on the way home, after I asked the little guy at Chicken Express for some mashed potatoes "and that's all" and then waited, trying not to throw up - I realized - I can't do this. I was never meant to do this. So I decided then and there: I can't make it to the meeting at church tonight, I can't make it to work tomorrow, I can't make it to my part-time job, and I can't make the bills go away. And I don't care because I just can't. Not anymore. So I gave up. I went home and went to bed and slept until 1pm the next day.

When I got up the next day, I still felt horrible physically but also felt a genuine peace that everything is going to be alright because I don't have to fix everything. Yes, I did mess a lot of things up, which is probably why I felt like I had to fix it too. But at some point, it is about grace and forgiveness, not making things even. Grace and forgiveness - two things I have been ~~unable~~ unwilling to give to myself. I'm not saying this is the sole purpose that I ended up with cancer. I'm not sure what the whole purpose of it is. But if having to endure that is what it took to give myself a break, then I'll take it gladly. God and I are good with each other now.

There's not way to wrap up this blog. So, that's all I have to say for now.

Day 1000? ~

2011-09-02T11:47:00.002-05:00

I've lost count! The radiation machine has been down so many times and I've had to make up some sessions on the weekend, I lost track of how many I have done. Anyway, I know I have 2 weeks to go. I think after this Saturday and Sunday I have 10 left. Here are my pics. Don't be alarmed, I think this will all return to normal.

Receding Hair Line Radiation Burn

This is that picture I promised to show you where I've lost a lot of my hair. You can't tell when I wear my hair down though. I am constantly finding hairs everywhere! And they hang on my sleeves and tickle my arms too. The second one is my face where they have tried to burn it off. I can't get over how big my ear is. They say that your ears and nose never stop growing, must be true. Thanks, Daddy.

I found a food that seemed to satisfy me although I couldn't taste it. French fries with ketchup. And I also enjoyed coconut flavored milk shakes. And as soon as I stumbled upon these I developed thrush. I thought that was for babies but apparently it doesn't discriminate based on age. I have a picture of that, only because I sent it to my mother asking her, "WHAT IS THIS??" But I won't show you that one. Yuck. And because of the thrush, I can't eat french fries or ketchup without feeling like my tongue is on fire. And the milk shakes make me feel sick to even think about them. So I'm pretty much living on ensure and mashed potatoes.

So yesterday, I finally surrendered and called into work. I didn't go yesterday or today and I also didn't go to my part time job. I see visions of money just slipping away... I was hoping not to miss much if any work so hopefully I will feel much better by Tuesday.

I'm not depressed. I know this is all a part of God's plan. Even though I hate it, I've learned so much from it and in the end I am almost sure I wouldn't trade it for wellness. I'm way tougher than I thought I could be. God is good all the time.

Day 17 ~

2011-08-27T13:55:00.003-05:00

Ok, so this is me, flying toward the finish line!

It's Saturday and I had to go to radiation today. I have to go tomorrow too. The machine has been breaking down and since I missed a few days here and there, I have to make them up. So I am a little over halfway there, I have exactly 16 more days (I think). If my calculations are correct, I should be done on September 16th. Please, God! Let me be correct!! Because I'm planning that my taste buds will have exactly 1 week to regenerate and then we'll have my birthday dinner. Whether you want to or not. ;)

As for me, I am feeling pretty good, way better than last weekend, which is why I did not even bother to update back then. My mouth is dry and the hair on the back of my head is falling out in droves. That's the real reason I didn't post a picture of myself this time. I might post one tomorrow, it is kind of humorous. (I)'m secretly hoping it will grow back in BLACK)! Everything tastes ~~distorted~~ horrible and you know how much I love to bake so that is a big deal to me. Other than that, I'm doing great! Can't wait to get this all behind me and get on with life!

Day 12 ~

2011-08-18T19:31:00.001-05:00

Somebody looked at me today and said, "What happened to your face?!" Nice. Very nice. Well, what happened is that I went to the dentist yesterday and my whole face swelled up. I've always liked frogs but I never wanted to look like one. On top of that, they are trying to burn my face off with that radiation machine thingy. So when I went for my treatment today, they stuffed my swollen face inside the mask anyways and strapped it down as if it was its normal size. But I'm not mad. Whatever it takes to get rid of the bad stuff.

OMG look at that ear! It is soooo big!

Let me tell you, I am so glad to get home today. I spent the whole day fighting back nausea. Of course, that could have been because I had Ensure and asparagus for lunch, probably not a good combination. Can't taste hardly anything, and anything I can taste, tastes bitter. But that doesn't mean I don't ever get hungry. So frustrating. Periodically it sounds like people are talking under water, especially the higher pitched noises. I am so hoping my ears don't fall off!

Could I See Some ID? ~

2011-08-14T21:07:00.001-05:00

Not long ago, I was doing my job. I mean my regular, full-time job, which is registering people into the hospital. You would think that it is a boring, repetitive, unspecial job. I admit it, sometimes I think it is. Sometimes, just to be honest, I am so tired that when I look up and see yet another patient coming to register, I almost start cursing inside my head. And then there are times that are so different from that.

There are some patients I've come to know by name and look forward to seeing. One of them is a doctor who was in a traumatic car accident. I first met him when he was still living in a rehab with a halo screwed into his head. He was unable to even sign his own paperwork. I've seen him so many times that I now remember to call him "Dr." instead of "Mr." and he is doing much better. There is a lady who always has to give me something when she comes in. The first time it was a green piece of candy that had been in her purse so long that it had little specks of dirt on it. The next time she gave me half a box of tic-tacs. The next time it was a tootsie pop. Then there is the guy who comes in every so often and he has told me his life story. Even though he has had a number of back surgeries and also has HIV, he never complains. And he starts singing, "Hi Jennifer!" from halfway across the room every time he comes in. I really could go on and on but I won't. I just want to tell you about a guy who I've only seen once but I will never forget.

I was sitting at my desk while there was a lull in the patient load. When I looked up at my next patient, it was a man in a wheelchair. He wore an oxygen tube in his nose and an undershirt with pajama pants. Both he and the woman with him reeked of stale cigarettes. He looked so dejected that I felt sorry for him. His wife (?) was obviously the one in charge and did all of the talking.

As with every patient, I asked him for his insurance cards and picture ID. The woman in charge helped him get his insurance card and then proceeded to dig through his wallet for an ID. In the meantime, I was busy pulling up his information in the computer. When I turned back to them, she slapped down a card and stated rather loudly, "This is the only ID he has." I tried to keep a blank face as I looked at the card, the first one I had seen of its kind. In big red letters across the entire card it read

OFFENDER.

I really am not sure exactly how many thoughts and questions went through my head at that point but I know it has stayed on my mind until even now. I looked at this frail little man in a wheelchair and wondered what he possibly could have done. And how long ago was it?? I wondered if it was necessary to carry that card forever. Didn't he ever have a chance to get a "normal" ID? What in the world?! Most of me just thought it would have been better to say, "He doesn't really have an ID" and leave it at that.

So, I don't mean to compare this woman to the devil in any way, but isn't that what the devil does to us? He stands over our shoulder, whips out our "OFFENDER" card, and slaps it on the table in front of us at every opportunity. We sit there feeling beat down and breathless, unable to look anyone in the eye because he won't let us forget for one minute the things that happened in the past. However, the bible says,

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." Romans 3:23, 24.

My mother used to tell me that "justified" means "just as if I'd never done it." Christ died for me so that it would be just as if I had never sinned. Yet sometimes I still tolerate the devil hanging around and pointing out my past mistakes. Maybe you were an offender. All of us were. Maybe you made mistakes. All of us have. Maybe there is something in your life that can not be undone, no matter how you wish it could. I've been there too. You sit there looking at the floor, barely able to move out of your regret. And that is just where the devil wants you to stay. He hangs over your shoulder to make sure of it. But guess what? I don't have to do deal with that and neither do you.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new." II Cor. 5:17.

The reason I don't have to deal with it is because I have a new ID. When the devil tries to whip out my old offender ID, I pull out my new ID that trumps anything he has. My new identification lets everyone know who I am now, not who I used to be. I am a new creation and I can freely identify myself as a daughter of the King. If you have accepted Christ, don't continue to carry around your offender card. Christ died to give you a new ID and it's time to hold your head up and start using it!

Day 7 ~

2011-08-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

Well, I skipped day 5 (Friday) and 6 (Monday). Friday I don't remember and Monday I was too tired to do anything after Tug kept me up for most of the night. But I'm back tonight and got in there and took my picture.

It doesn't look too bad in my opinion. My scar is quite swollen and a little itchy but they gave me a "survival kit" yesterday. So, I will survive, lol.

Day 4 ~

2011-08-04T20:44:00.001-05:00

Ok, here is the picture. I don't think you can see any difference. Not only do I see flashes of light during the radiation, now I smell something too. I can't even describe it, it's not good or bad. They said it's normal.

I would be in bed already but I'm holding these stupid fluoride trays in my mouth and trying not to drool all over the place.

Good Night

Day 3 ~

2011-08-03T23:31:00.000-05:00

So this one is gonna be short. Today was my 3rd day of radiation and it dawned on me that maybe I should take a picture of the part of my face that is actually getting the radiation. I took one of my "good" side too so I could tell the difference. So here is the "good" side.

Sorry. Like I said it is hard to take a good photo of yourself. And here is the picture of the side where I had surgery. Don't worry, it isn't graphic anymore.

I'm just going to claim that my ear is swollen making it look bigger than life. It does actually look kind of puffy to me. I can't feel it so I don't know what's going on with it. The incision starts in front of my ear right where the ear canal is. It goes dooowwwnnnn around my ear and back up behind it and then back down. It's in the shape of an S. You can see a little dot behind it, that's where the drain was. Right now there is a bit of swelling in front of my ear but I'm not sure why. I think it is from going to the dentist. And then there is a little dot below my scar - that's just a zit. Hahahahaha! I think the radiation dried it up. Man I crack myself up! Sorry - you should laugh at every opportunity.

So that's it. Nothing unusual except my throat is extremely dry. I have been drinking and running to the bathroom all day! And after seeing these pictures, I think I may actually do something to my hair tomorrow.

Good Night!!

Day 1 & 2 ~

2011-08-03T00:57:00.001-05:00

I wanted to keep a journal of what my radiation is like so I can compare the pictures and also see how I'm feeling from day to day. I promise I will write about other stuff too, this is more for me.
So this is how it goes. There are separate dressing/waiting rooms for men and women. The routine is that you go in, pick out a hospital gown, change into it, throw your stuff in a locker, and then go wait with all the other women who are having treatments too. When your turn comes up, the tech calls you back and you verify that it's really you by looking at a picture of yourself on the computer screen. I'm still a little confused about that part...

But anyways, once you get in there, you just lay down on the table and they strap a mask over your face. I don't have a picture of my own mask but here is the closest thing I could find to show you. All the other pictures I saw were of masks that had big net-like holes. As you can see, this one has small holes. I don't know why we didn't get as lucky. The one I wear is white and has no eye holes and no mouth hole. It has a hole the size of a nickel right around the tip of my nose. Gotta breathe somehow! It looks to be flexible but in reality, it is hard plastic. Once you get it on, it's on. They fasten it down like a seat belt in a car all around the head and shoulders. One of these days you'll get to see what mine looks like.

I have no idea what happens after that mask goes on. I can feel the table moving around but I don't feel anything. On my first treatment, I saw flashes of light and the tech said that the machine didn't make any light flashes. When the radiation touches my brain, the brain responds by creating flashes of light. I swear, the human body is so amazing!!

I am not usually claustrophobic but the mask is so tight that I have to struggle to not panic. In my head I say a mantra for that 10 minutes and it gets me through, no problem. It goes like this: "God is good all the time, all the time God is good."

After my first treatment I was fine until I got home. The doctor said I probably wouldn't notice anything until the 3rd week. So maybe it was because I had gone to the dentist that morning but my jaw swelled up so I looked like a chipmunk. It was really painful and I couldn't close my mouth all the way. Therefore, I couldn't eat either. I didn't do anything but lay on the couch and then get up and get in the bed. The next morning I felt much better and could shut my mouth. Imagine that. My jaw was still a little puffy and a bit sore. Here's what I looked like. Wow, my eyes look big! But anyways, I look so crazy in that picture. I had my hair in a ponytail but you can see on the right side (which is actually my left side) how my jaw juts out a bit. I have a chubby face but it's even chubbier in this picture. Why am I looking so scared?! It's hard to take good self-portraits.

So anyways, I felt better all day. I went for my second treatment and went through with flying colors. I am not posting another picture yet because I look exactly the same! I will post one tomorrow, day 3.

Good Night.

Lost? ~

2011-07-17T21:38:00.001-05:00

I invited a friend to church this morning. He stopped by and picked me up and drove me to Denton.

Denton, Texas.

If you aren't familiar with Denton, let me tell you a little bit about it. I grew up there, lived there for almost 30 years (man that makes me sound old!) and go back there to visit my family all the time.

-Denton is the Redbud Capital of Texas, so named for the many Redbud trees in and around the city.

-In 2006, Money magazine named Denton No. 58 out of the "Top 100 Best Places to Live in America."

-Denton is sometimes referred to by its nickname "Little D". (a reference to "Big D" - that'd be Dallas, of course!)

It's a college town, has 2 or 3 of them, maybe more. It was smaller when I left but it has sprouted up shopping centers and restaurants all over the place. It also has history, a square with a malt shop, some bed and breakfasts, and a lot of little attractions.

But the streets are all messed up.

Not only are they bumpy and always under construction, they are also curvy. And the ones that are straight don't go just North and South or East and West. They also go diagonal. And then we could talk about the amount of one-way streets there as compared to any normal city in Texas. Having lived there for many years, I've still been guilty of driving the wrong way on a street for a bit before figuring it out.

So, as we approached Denton, my friend started asking me which way to go. The conversation from that point to the church was pretty much me saying "exit here" or "turn here" or "no, get in that lane!" As we twisted and turned and avoided potholes, he finally said, "I am so lost!"

I didn't say it out loud, but in my head I was thinking, "No you aren't. I'm right here and I know right where we are."

And then I just started thinking. I know it's a shock but I really was. There are songs about being lost and then being found. But if you think about it, has God really ever lost anything? We may have been lost but God knew all the time right where we were. Proverbs 5:21 says,

"For a man's ways are before the Lord's eyes, and He considers all his paths."

That really doesn't sound like God has misplaced us and is frantically searching for us. And what about Psalm 139?

"Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up; You understand my thoughts from far away. You observe my travels and my rest; You are aware of all my ways."

That doesn't really sound like He has lost track of us either. Hmmm...

So, my friend was lost in Denton this morning but he really wasn't. I am in NO WAY comparing myself to God. However, I did know right where we were and I knew where we were going after the next turn. And after he followed all of my directions, he wasn't lost anymore. See how that works??

God knows where we are. My heart takes great comfort in that. Sometimes I don't know where I am or where I am going but we aren't really lost. God knows right where we are, all the time.

Banana Muffins ~

2011-07-17T20:22:00.003-05:00

I walked into the kitchen this morning and saw two bananas that were ripe beyond eating. Those are the ~~best~~ only kind to make into any kind of bread or cake. So see? I had no choice but to make these delicious banana muffins.

The best part is that I made them up using only one bowl! Ok, so that really isn't the best part but it's still good.

So I found this recipe on the Internet. Problem is, I only had 2 bananas, not 3. So I had a feeling there would be a problem with them being dry. Luckily for me, the site lets you adjust the serving size. So I adjusted it down from 12 servings to 8 and voila! It only calls for 2 bananas now.

So here is the new recipe. Read it closely - does anyone see anything odd in these ingredients?
1 cup all-purpose flour
- 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
- 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 2 large ripe bananas, mashed
- 1/2 cup sugar
- 5/8 egg, lightly beaten
- 1/3 cup butter or margarine, melted
You are so right! How in the world do you use only 5/8ths of an egg?!?! I didn't notice that until it was too late though so I just threw the whole egg (minus the shell) in.

Also, in an effort to feel like I was being healthier, I replaced a bit of the all-purpose flour with wheat flour. You can not tell the difference, I promise. You could probably also throw in some walnuts or pecans and they would have been good too. I'm just not a nutty kind of person. Um, you knew what I meant so shush it. So here ya go! Bake some up!

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Line muffin tins with papers. This makes 8 cupcake size muffins or 5 perfect big muffins. I chose 5 big ones.

Place butter in a bowl and melt. Add 2 large ripe bananas and mash with a fork. Crack 5/8ths of an egg (hahaha, or 1 whole egg) into the same bowl and mix everything together. Add the salt, baking soda, baking powder, and sugar and stir until combined well. Lastly, add the flour and stir. Divide into the muffin papers and bake for 25 minutes.

Enjoy!!

Healer ~

2011-07-16T16:17:00.005-05:00

We sang this song last Sunday in church. Oh my goodness, I was touched by it! And then we sang another song and it kind of knocked the lyrics out of my head, all except for "I believe You're my healer." So I kept trying to remember all week long. Then on Friday, I was driving to work, listening to KCBI instead of Steve Harvey. And guess what! It came on the radio! Here's the song that's been with me all week. It's called "Healer" and if you want to watch the video, then turn off the sound on my music box on the right side of the page.

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need...

Sew.Craft.Create.: Joe's Totes Giveaway

2011-07-10T20:45:00.001-05:00

Sew.Craft.Create.: Jo's Totes Giveaway

This is an awesome giveaway!!

And here is the yellow one that I am dying to have...

Look how roomy it is inside, so easy to organize!

And here is how it will look thrown over YOUR shoulder!

Head on over to the Sew.Craft.Create blog and enter for your chance to win it.

This One Is For Me ~

2011-07-10T10:38:00.002-05:00

I don't write for you. I mean, I do, but I mostly write for me. It's cathartic. It helps get it all out of my head and onto a place where I can look at it and sort through it and organize it. Sometimes it is personal stuff and sometimes it is also spiritual - maybe a struggle or an enlightenment that I need to work through. Sometimes I don't have much to write about because I'm not thinking about much. Other times, I have a lot.

Like now.

You are always welcome to follow along when I write it here, but this one is definitely for me to sit down and sort through. I wrote this one for me.

A little over a year ago I felt a lump in the left side of my neck, right under my ear. Whenever I get a sore throat or get tired, I get a lump in my neck over there too. This one wasn't exactly in the same spot but I figured there were plenty of glands over there so I wasn't too worried. Around the same time i saw my doctor for a spot on my arm that I was worried about. So ironic now that I think about it. So my doctor cut this thing off my arm and sent it off to the lab to be tested. I felt like he thought I was being a bit paranoid but hey, you never know. Turns out it was nothing. At the same time I told him about this lump in my neck. He felt of it and said it was probably a swollen gland, nothing to worry about, and I should just keep an eye on it and let him know if it grew or changed.

Fast forward 4 months. Back to the doctor for my normal yearly exam because I try to keep ahead of any health problems by taking advantage of preventive exams. I mentioned that this lump had grown slightly and the doctor wrote out an order for an ultrasound. Nothing to be alarmed about he said, just to make sure.

Then BAM! I broke out with a heinous rash due to some medication I was taking. Medication reactions, I've been told, can take a year or more to get over and I've found that to be true. Anyways, with this rash I had hives for a solid month and a rash from head to toe that itched like crazy. So I wasn't really concerned about this small lump in my neck. I forgot all about the ultrasound for another 4 months while I battled this rash.

THEN, I was transferred to another area of the hospital where my co-worker noticed I kept rubbing my neck. When she asked about it I told her it was probably nothing, my doctor even said so. I can still hear her alarmed voice in my head, "Jennifer! Anything that isn't normal in your body, you need to get checked out!" I don't know why, maybe it was the tone of her voice but I was motivated to call my doctor immediately and get the order sent again so I could have that ultrasound.

Ultrasound done.

Report sent to primary doctor.

Referral to head/neck doctor.

MRI

Fine Needle Aspiration

Let me stop here and explain something about this fine needle aspiration. Yes, the needle is very small. It is definitely not fine. The doctor who performed this procedure was supposed to do it 3 times but he felt so sorry for me after the first time that he wouldn't proceed. I was sobbing like a big baby. However, he looked at the slide under the microscope and said that he didn't see anything to worry about but they would send it to the lab to make sure.

I saw my head/neck doctor a few days later again and he stated that the lump was a tumor, what they call a pleomorphic adenoma which is simply a benign tumor. Boy was I relieved! He said it would still have to be removed surgically because it would only get bigger, may effect the nerves in my face (OMG) and had the potential to become cancerous (OMG).

Scheduled surgery

Pre-op

Surgery

Post-op

Recovery (Lots of time with my mama!)

Suture Removal

Pathology Report = BAD NEWS

I did NOT have a pleomorphic adenoma. The tumor was adenoid cystic carcinoma a rare and unusual type of cancer. But who cares what it was called, it was cancer. My doctor was almost as shocked as I was. I almost fell off my chair. My mother was there, she was stunned.

Next came a trip to the oncologist. My blood runs cold every time I hear oncologist now. Thank goodness he was very easy on the eyes, it made my visit there so much better!

So, here is the low-down:

I had a tumor that turned out to be cancer. I had it for over a year, I don't know how long it had been malignant. I think I dodged a bullet. Better yet, God was watching over me. Whew.

They got the whole tumor with clean margins, meaning they got a bit of tissue around it so it is gone.

I will have scans to make sure it is nowhere else. I will have CT scans of the chest periodically because that is where it would probably go next if it ever came back.

The chances of it coming back in the next 5 years is less than 10%.

After 15 years, the percentage is much higher but my prognosis is still good and I have an excellent doctor, as far as I can tell.

I start radiation treatments in 4 - 6 weeks, every day for 30 days as a preventive measure, just to make sure...

Before radiation starts, I will see a special dentist so I can learn how to take care of my teeth and prevent bone more bone damage in the future. Radiation weakens bone and teeth are bones. Plus I have a jaw bone. You get the idea.

As far as I can tell from the research, I didn't do anything to get or facilitate the growth of this cancer. I'm glad I found it when I did. I'm glad for my co-worker who urged me to find out what it was. I am a bit confused about the 15-year statistics but plan to ask my oncologist next time I see him. Websites and medical terms can be so confusing.

If you are still with me at this point, I applaud you. Thank you for listening to me sort through what happened and what is happening. This one was for me but I'm glad you cared enough to go there with me.

God is good, ALL THE TIME.

All Those Cows are His ~

2011-04-26T20:49:00.001-05:00

I have a part-time job outside of my regular job. My boss is a high-falutin' business man and hangs out with some pretty high-falutin' people. It's just 6 or so hours a week but it is my responsibility to keep everything filed, everything up to date, everything in its proper place. We recently moved our office to a new facility and it was my job to unpack (yay!) and I even got my own office! (In my mind at least, lol).

So last week I went in and he had put 3 pictures up in MY office! And they weren't pretty ones either. No pink, no teal, nothing remotely cute. In fact, one of them is so plain, it is depressing. (Thank Goodness he doesn't read my blog)! Ok, so he put up some pictures - big deal.

Well this week I walked in and there was no chair in my office! Where was MY chair?? So I walked down the hall to his office and there it was, just as I suspected. I even asked him, "Can I have my chair back?" The more I thought about it, the more I started laughing at myself. I had taken ownership of several things that didn't even belong to me! The computer, the chair, the files, the paper, the EVERYthing! Actually not one single thing in that office belongs to me. I take care of them but they aren't mine. I worry about them when they go missing but they aren't mine. I get irritable when things are put there that I don't really like, but they aren't mine. And then I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard this still, small voice that said,

"You do that to Me too."

Leave it to God to call me on something like that! But isn't that what we do to God all the time? We think we own everything and try to control everything but we forget that without Him, we wouldn't have any of it.

"Yours, Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all." (1 Chron 29:11).

I remember when I was little and maybe I would get sick or hurt or something like that. My mother would always pray for me. She would tell God, "Father, I know this is really your child and you let me have her to take care of. You love her even more than I can, so please heal her." I'm sure that she has prayed that same prayer a number of time for both me and my brother since then about a number of situations. When I stop and think about it, it's true. Everything we have is borrowed from God. Our children (although I don't have any yet), our money, our futures, even my dog (I believe). He just loaned them to us to take care of.

So I believe that I will start thinking about things from that perspective. It's not my chair to get upset over. It's not my picture and I do not like it but it serves a purpose. No, I don't like the direction he wants me to turn those files but they aren't my files! Sometimes I do worry about stuff but it belongs to God so I know He'll make it right. Sometimes I get upset when He removes things from my life. But when He does, well, it wasn't mine anyway, it was His. Sometimes I get upset about things He puts in my life but I know they serve a purpose. It's time for me to remember Who I belong to and let Him take control of it all. So please pray for me that I'll stop being such a control freak and keep remembering who owns all those cows on all those hills.

I Won! I Won! ~

2011-04-17T16:28:00.005-05:00

I am so excited because I hardly ever win anything! This BLOG that I read regularly called "Love is in the Details" had a drawing and here is what the winner got:

12 Piece Cupcake Decorating Set (that includes must have cupcake decorating tips)

75 Decorative Cupcake liners (cute)

1 Package of Mini Eggs to top your beauties (or just to snack on!)

2 Cupcake Boxes that hold 4 Cupcakes each (who wouldn't love getting a Cupcake gift box!

So head on over to "Love is in the Details" and look at all of her creative and fun projects!

Thank you so much, Andrea! This just made my day!

Rejuvenation ~

2011-03-30T22:06:00.001-05:00

"Some plants, vegetative and flowering, will grow weary over the course of several years, or even just a summer. Any bush, tree or plant is at risk for growing limp and lifeless."

That's what I read on the website. I thought to myself, "Yeah, like me. I'm so weary... what can I do to get rejuvenated?" I don't mean just on a physical level but also on a spiritual level. Let's face it, life is hard for almost everyone and even more difficult for some. It's no wonder that we would feel limp and lifeless at times! So I started thinking about rejuvenation and what it is. I was thinking spa treatments or a day lounging on the beach, maybe getting a pedicure or treating myself to some steak. What do you think of when you hear the word "rejuvenation?" So that's how I came to the website where I was reading about plants being weary. Even after I read that first sentence something just made me keep reading...

"To rejuvenate your plants and give them the lush green and large blooms they deserve, simple pruning is in order."

What?! Pruning? To rejuvenate?!? I'm not much of a plant person. That may explain why I have some brown scraggly things in my flower bed right now. I have an automatic sprinkler that comes on 2 - 3 times a week so they get plenty of water. They also get plenty of sun and the tag on them said "direct sunlight" is what they need. So why can't I just plant them and forget about them? It seemed like somewhere in the Bible Jesus talked about pruning but that just does not seem as lovely as a spa treatment to me. However, as weary and lifeless as I feel, I thought it wise to go look up that scripture before I turn brown and scraggly myself.

"I am the true vine, and my father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:1. 2

Hmmm. So there is a verse about pruning. I don't like the thought of being cut. I once had a wart and although it was ugly and all, I hated thinking about having it cut. I had surgery on my foot and passed out when they took the ONE stitch out. Anything that causes pain is not fun to me. And certainly not rejuvenating.

"Cut along the prominent branches at the Y of the smaller limbs. Make a straight and clean cut."

Um, God? I said I don't like to be cut on!

"For smaller plants with limbs less than 1/2 inch, the pruning shears work fine."

Yeah, ok, I can take it. I know that must be me with the 1/2 inch branches. So bring on the shears.

"For branches larger than 1 inch, use the tree saw."

Whoa! Wait a minute! A tree saw?! Ok God, quit kidding around. This is really not funny anymore. I'm already weary and here you are talking about using a tree saw on my branches. I don't know how much more I can take. Seriously.

"Cut from the outer edges first and then deeper. Take away the branches that are most clustered first, along with the wilted or weakened ones from pest infestation. These limbs are browned, spotted or broken and hanging loose."

Do you have limbs in your life that are wilted or weakened from pest infestation? I know I do. That pest, the devil, wants to get to you and ruin what God has planted. He wants to leave you spotted and stained with pieces hanging loose, broken and destroyed. He would have you think that the state you are in is hopeless.

"Cut into the other small branches that are less prominent."

There are areas of our lives that may not even be noticeable to others, things that, left unattended, will grow out of control. It's time to clip those too.

"This thinning will drive all the nutrients to less foliage and blossoms than the tree had to manage before. The tree can then concentrate its efforts on a smaller scale and develop beautiful limbs and flowers."

Friend, God wants you and me to flourish and grow beautiful and strong. What are the extra "branches" that need to be "pruned" out of your life? Is it gossip or backbiting? Is it negative attitudes and behaviors? Jealousy or lust? Is it something that is done when nobody is looking? It doesn't matter, no branch is too big.
So... rejuvenation! I think I'll go spend some time with the Master Gardener.

The 5 Dreams of Every Woman...

2011-03-10T14:48:00.001-06:00

...and How God Wants to Fulfill Them.

This is a book I just ordered. Here's what it's about:

The desires have been there for as long as we can remember: to be beautiful, to be a bride, to be a mother, to be a cherished daughter, and to have a best friend. But for many of us, life took a different turn. Sharon Jaynes challenges us to dust off our hopes and dare to dream again - through God's eyes. With engaging stories of biblical and contemporary women, Sharon sheds light on the deepest longings of a woman' heart. The book includes a 13-lesson Bible study. Can you risk the hope that God still has dreams for your life? That He hasn't forgotten you? Place your hand firmly in His-take a deep breath and begin the exciting journey to a place you thought you'd never find: the dream God planned for you all along.

Go here to read an excerpt for yourself. I can't wait til it comes in the mail!

100 Things About Me ~

2011-02-19T22:16:00.005-06:00

1. I do and always have loved puppies, any shape, size, breed. I love them.

2. I love daisies more than any other flower. I think it is the simplicity of them.
3. I have a scar on my chin from when a highchair fell on top of me and knocked me to the ground when I was a baby.
4. Some smells give me a headache in a matter of moments.
5. The first car that was mine was a Geo Metro and we once fit 7 people in it. For real.
6. I love potatoes.
7. I don’t like fish, lobster, squid, naked shrimp, scallops, or anything of the sort. Crablegs are good with enough butter
8. It takes a lot of will power for me to eat pork chops
9. I have a tattoo of a ladybug beside my belly button.
10. When I was little my dad used to tickle me until I couldn’t breathe.
11. I have a very low pain tolerance, both physically and emotionally.

12. I’m terrified of snakes. Please don’t use that information against me.
13. When Rose on “The Golden Girls” says something ditzy, it usually makes sense to me.
14. Me and my friends met some truckers on the road, stopped at a truckstop and took a look around in their trucks once.

15. My favorite kind of cake is birthday cake.

16. I was told at my last eye appointment that I have severe astigmatism.

17. I’ve always wanted to go to Africa.
18. I am very scatter-brained at times.
19. I’m allergic to earrings and morphine. And apparently one other medication now.
20. I was voted “friendliest” in 6^th grade. Whoop. Tee. Doo.
21. I got a degree in psychology to try and understand myself. Not kidding.
22. I have never felt like I fit in whether it was at seminary or a bar or church. Ok, I’ve only been to 1 bar.
23. I can make delicious cakes and taught myself how to decorate them.
24. I love Jesus and thank Goodness His blood covers things.
25. I’m too tenderhearted for my own good. Everything makes me cry.
26. When I was little I thought men sat in the top of skyscrapers, watching and changing the stoplights.
27. When I was little I thought the dogs were men and cats were women.
28. I love logic problems and figuring them out.
29. I have a big scar on my left hand where my brother’s friend pushed me down and I landed on glass.

30. I don’t use spaghetti pasta because it reminds me of worms.
31. I hate worms more than anything. Well, except for liars.
32. I hid a pig in my dorm room when I was in Bible college.
33. I have taken salsa lessons but all the Hispanic guys were too short to dance with me.
34. I took piano lessons from a woman with big bug eyes that scared me.
35. I don’t like romantic movies because they set us up to expect too much.
36. I think Dennis Haysbert is sexy and I really do believe you are in good hands with Allstate.
37. I have been married once and divorced once.
38. I expect to be married again some day. But not divorced ever again.
39. One time a boy hit me in the mouth and busted my lip for no reason at all.
40. I don’t like any lights on when I’m sleeping.
41. I can’t go to sleep with the closet door open.
42. I like to sleep with one foot out from beneath the covers.
43. I always thought the song “Secret Agent Man” was “Secret Asian Man” and I wondered how that worked.
44. Bro. Holmes told me it was obvious from reading my papers that I was a very deep thinker. I still don’t know if that’s good or bad.
45. When I was growing up my mother called me Esmeralda Daphne. I still answer to it.
46. Everyone else called me Jenny and some still do.
47. I love giraffes the most when I go to the zoo. And elephants. And monkeys.
48. The first boy that had a crush on me was in kindergarten. His name was Brent and he was really cute.
49. Third grade was probably my favorite year in school even though I got in trouble for talking too much. For real.
50. I think John Legend is super cute, especially when he plays the piano.
51. I listen to Steve Harvey every morning on the way to work.
52. It makes me hopping mad for someone to put their finger in or near my ear.
53. I really wanted my mother-in-law to be my friend but knew from the beginning it would never be possible.
54. I wish I could afford to travel. Someday I will.
55. I grew up flying in small airplanes but the last time I was on one I was scared speechless.
56. I think I could become addicted to plastic surgery if I ever had it once.
57. People used to tease me that my feet were too small for my height. Now I wear an 8 so I’m ok.
58. I have a mole on the bottom of my foot. Yes, the bottom.
59. I love old people.
60. I am better at writing than speaking.
61. I love to get pedicures.
62. I do not like crowds.
63. I went to a small private high school.
64. I don’t have many friends my age.
65. I love love love to read almost any kind of book.
66. I love Italian food and Mexican food.
67. I would never do it but I really do understand why some people go in and shoot up the place.
68. I’m very patriotic and I cry whenever I sing the national anthem.
69. I can’t stand racism no matter which way it goes.
70. My Granny used to keep me when I was little and we watched cartoons every day.
71. I also watched the 3 Stooges with Grandpa.
72. Jennifer Lee and I (and sometimes my brother) used to play Mad Libs and laugh our heads off but it was never funny with anyone else.
73. I can only remember 1 joke and it is really funny to me but not many other people. Hmmm….
74. I love Honeycomb cereal.
75. I don’t like anything with artificial sweetener in it because it tastes like a chemical to me.
76. I get irritated when someone pulls a Medicaid card out of her Louis Vuitton purse.
77. My favorite snowcone flavor is coconut and then bubblegum.
78. I’ve always had a secret fear that I would lose my mind completely someday.
79. I don’t remember ever watching Sesame Street yet I still knew all my numbers and letters when I started school.
80. Spelling and grammar have always been easy for me though you may not believe it when you hear my Texas twang.
81. When I heard about 9/11 it scared the crap outta me and made me angry at the same time.
82. Once I had a wreck when I was turning left. I went a long time after that without turning left but it took me a while to get places sometimes. I’m ok going left now.
83. I don’t like seeing unattractive peoples’ public displays of affection.
84. I don’t watch movies more than once, in most cases. I was, however, forced to watch “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” 3 times in 1 Christmas season and it was torture.
85. Christmas has become a very difficult season for me, I can’t even count the reasons.
86. I love asparagus.
87. Sometimes I crave gum. I suspect it is much like someone craves drugs, although I ‘m not sure.
88. I love to sing but not in public. My best entertaining is for myself in the car.
89. I like men who have a few extra pounds on their bones. I said a few.
90. When I was a kid I watched “The Blob” and didn’t sleep for a long time after. Ask my mom.
91. I can not eat anything that did not have a chance to grow up. Not veal, not lamb.
92. When I was a kid I used to lay beside the speaker while the record (yes, record) played the story of Little Black Sambo. It was my favorite story and I’m glad that tiger turned into butter.
93. I love coffee. As if you didn’t know.
94. When I was a small child, our next-door neighbor flashed me as I rode by on my bicycle with training wheels. What a pervert.
95. I love watching home improvement shows but the best part is the before/after part at the end.
96. I despise being cold.
97. Sometimes I feel like “running away from it all” and it very well may happen some day.
98. To those who think I don’t know, I DO know my sense of humor is different.
99. I love to laugh and wish I did it more.
100. I don’t believe TVs belong in the bedroom, any bedroom.

Flowers in my Food ~

2011-02-19T18:21:00.007-06:00

When I was younger and living at home my mother brewed tea on top of the stove. We had a pan that I remember to be THE tea pan. Maybe she made other stuff in it but when it was time to make tea, there was no question about what to use. So anyways, one day my mother brewed the tea, poured it up in a glass, and brought it to me in the living room. I took one drink of that tea and I was as confused as a cow on astro turf! Without even thinking I called out, "This tea tastes like flowers!" That was back in the day when tea was supposed to taste like tea. We never added peaches or blueberries or hibiscus back then. Well, maybe they did but we didn't know about it. About the only thing added to a good glass of tea in the South was sugar. Turns out, my mother had boiled some potpourri in the tea pan and the taste of it just didn't come out when it was washed. We still laugh about that today, I'm sure the look on my face was priceless!

Well, for a few months now I've been wanting to try some cupcakes with flowers in them. Lavender is all the rage right now - they even put it in tea!! So I scrounged around on the Internet looking for some recipes. I came up with a few and sort of put them all together to fit my needs. I started out with this recipe from another blog. However, I hardly ever use self-rising flower. Then I checked out this one but noticed it had no leavening in it - nothing to make it fluffy! So I finally just used the first one but tweaked it just a bit.

First of all, I made my own lavender sugar. About 3 weeks ago I combined about 1/3 cup of lavender flowers with 2 cups of sugar. You can't just go pick your own lavender or go to the flower shop. You have to get lavender that does not have any pesticides on it. I got mine at Central Market in the bulk foods section. It was only about 63 cents for what I got. So I put the lavender and the sugar in this big Mason jar and left it for 3 weeks, although 2 is long enough.

After 2 or 3 weeks has gone by, the lavender sugar is ready to use. Just sift the sugar to get the flowers back out. I sifted mine twice and there were still some flowers that managed to sneak in. That's ok because you are going to put a few of the flowers in the batter anyway. Don't flip out trying to separate them! So here are all the ingredients you will need, minus the salt, which you can add or not. I did.

Lavender Cupcakes

1 cup flour
1/2 cup very soft butter
1/2 c. lavender sugar, sifted

1 ½ t. baking powder

1/8 t. salt
1/4 t. lavender flowers

2 eggs
3 tbsp milk

Preheat the oven to 350.

Sift lavender sugar to get the flowers out. One of the original recipes said to put part of the sugar in a food processor with ¼ t. lavender flowers and blend. I tried that and it didn't work so I just threw the flowers in there whole. I know, it was a big chance to take but I had no other choice.

Mix together the butter and sugar until smooth, then add the eggs one at a time, until completely blended. Add the flour and mix gently. Add the milk. Original recipe said to use 1 -2 tablespoons but I used 3 tablespoons. I did taste the batter and it tasted suspiciously like the sugar cookie dough I made a week ago. Hmmmm...

Line a muffin pan with 10-12 paper liners and distribute the batter equally. Bake for 15-20 minutes, until done (mine took 17 minutes and I made 10).

When the muffins are cool, decorate with pale lavender colored frosting and sprinkle with lavender petals (or whatever blows your dress up). I used white dragees but they would have been pretty with nothing but frosting.

As for how they tasted, the lavender was so faint that you might think you were eating just a vanilla cupcake. However, I did taste it and it gave these cupcakes a little hint of something special. Also, I have not had much luck in the past with just plain vanilla cupcakes. They were either too dry or too something. I think these would make for a perfect vanilla cupcake if you leave out the flowers and add a teaspoon of vanilla. So there you have it, the long awaited lavender cupcake. Not bad having flowers in my food!

I Cried Tonight ~

2011-02-05T23:42:00.007-06:00

I cried tonight. It wasn’t just any old cry, the kind where you cry a few tears here and there and then you’re good. No, it was a heart-rending, soul-cleansing cry that I couldn’t make stop. The kind where you think it’s over and so you move on to something else and then it starts up again. And again. It’s the kind that makes me think of that verse in Psalms where it says that God stores up our tears in bottles.

Psalm 56:8 – “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”

Then I start wondering if it’s a whole bunch of bottles or just one huge bottle because I’m sure that I’ve cried a lot of tears, more than most people probably. Especially tonight.

I’ve been kind of nasty and grouchy all week, I will admit to that. Part of it I want to blame on the weather and how much I got harassed about whether I was coming to work or not. The other part could be the arctic chill in the building where I was working - the one nobody seemed to care about. Another part of me wanted to blame it on the fact that I had a test coming up that I was supposed to drive to Dallas for and the roads were like oil-glazed glass. I stifled the crying part under this nasty and grouchy façade and muddled through it. All week I managed to keep pushing it down and blinking fast enough to overcome it.

Not tonight. Tonight the floodgates opened and the tears tore off the hinges. I’m not exactly sure what started it but I knew when it was coming and that there was no stifling it anymore. I was chatting with a friend on Facebook. Not a “friend” friend on Facebook, but a true friend that I’ve known for almost all of my life. We met in the 6th grade. That was also our last year together in elementary school and, over time, we lost touch. I came across her on Facebook last week and instantly sent a friend request.

So then tonight, as I said, we were chatting for the first time in 25 years. As you would guess, we started asking each other how things are in each other’s lives, are we married, what about kids. She is married, has kids, is finishing up her law degree, and is a housewife who helps her minister-husband with his work. All the while I felt a wall beginning to rise, my defenses went up, and I was panicking and felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to know all about her but I didn’t want to tell her all about me. What was I supposed to say to her? I didn’t want to lie but I certainly didn’t want to tell the truth. I didn’t have to make this choice tonight because she had to go get her kids to bed. As we said our good-nights the floodgates opened.

This is what I have battled with for years and now battle even more on a daily basis. I want to have real friends, women that I can talk to about anything and everything and really spend quality time with. However, I know that in order to do that, I have to be transparent and honest about my failures as well as everything else. I’m not a perfect woman, not even close. I have what some would consider serious character flaws. That’s what I consider them too!

The past few years have been complete and utter failure. So much so that I avoid talking about them at all cost, especially to people who know nothing about them to begin with. I was not the perfect wife, daughter, sister, employee, friend, or Christian. I sought acceptance – I wanted to be loved and it cost me everything. In return I got absolutely nothing. The shame goes on and on and the fear that it will all somehow suddenly be uncovered pushes me further and further down.

So tonight I wept bitterly and my heart was raw as I poured it all out. I was soothed as I imagined God gathering all those tears up. I thought I was disqualified from serving God. I thought I had no right to move on or to be happy. That’s what guilt does. But that’s why Jesus came, isn’t it?

John 10:10 - “I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

It has taken time and the journey is still not over. It is painful now and there will still be scars when the healing is complete. I hear this song by Tenth Avenue North on the radio so frequently and it always speaks to me:

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

God has picked me up and is putting me back on track. He is freeing me from the fear that has kept me shackled in silence and restoring me. So go ahead and ask if you need to know because now I can tell you why I cried a whole bottle of tears.

To Do List ~

2011-01-17T22:47:00.003-06:00

In 2007 Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman starred in the movie The Bucket List (one of my favorites). The gist of the movie is that they were both dying and there were several things that they each wanted to do before they "kicked the bucket" so to speak. However, it is my observation that neither of them had really thought about time running out. One was preoccupied with his job and the other just didn't have the money to think about it.

Well, in my case it's both. I'm so preoccupied trying to make ends meet that it has been a long time since I've dreamt about doing anything or going anywhere. I don't know what happened but somehow the end of the tunnel opened up and I saw a bright light at the end. All of the sudden I started dreaming again of all the things, big and small, that I want to do. By the time I will actually have the means to do some of them I'm sure the list will have grown exponentially. However, I want to share some of them with you now and I'll add to it later. These are probably not in the order they will happen and definitely not in the order of importance.

1) Africa
2) Tour the town of Hershey, PA
3) Get a huge bed with a great mattress
4) Decorate my walls with paintings from art.com
5) Go car shopping without thinking ONLY about gas mileage and monthly payment.
6) Spend a day at a real day spa
7) Volunteer somewhere meaningful
8) Go get a skunk egg in West, Texas
9) See Europe
10) Get Tug up to date on all his shots and get pet insurance
11) Get yearly mammograms even if my insurance doesn't pay for it
12) Disney World
13) Run a 5K
14) Stay in a grand hotel
15) Landscape my back yard
16) Get central heat & air for my parents
17) Paint a couple of walls in my house

My Eyes are on You ~

2011-01-16T18:47:00.018-06:00

This past week was a doozy. Actually the past couple of months have been full of doozies but I have neglected my blog for so long that you never would have known if I hadn't just now told you. I know that everyone has troubles and I'm not going to sit here and tell you all of mine. It was just your usual stuff - finances, relationships, job issues, that kind of stuff. Stuff that probably everyone faces in a lifetime, if not daily. Then a couple of months ago, a few days before Thanksgiving, I had this mystery rash that appeared. You would think that is a minor thing, it sounds like it to me. Just put some cream or ointment on it and get over it, right? But that was not the case. I had this rash that covered my entire body except for the bottom of my feet and my face. It was even on the palms of my hands. Over two months I have been to the ER twice, I have seen my family doctor, an internist, a dermatologist, a psychiatrist, and an allergist. I have been prescribed at least 10 different medications. I have taken oatmeal baths, baking soda baths, and even purchased the ridiculously expensive lotion that was suggested which didn't even have the decency to smell nice. I bought scentless/colorless laundry detergent and washed all of my bedding and clothing. I spent quite a bit of money trying to figure all of this out.

At around the 1-month mark the rash part went away. No more hives on my back and butt and no more speckles on my arms and legs. The only thing remaining was the itch. Just imagine that you are clothed entirely in wool. I mean wool socks, wool underwear, wool bra - you get the idea. I don't know if you are sensitive to wool but I am and it feels like thousands of pins pricking me at the same time, here and there, all over my body.

So the ordinary stuff coupled with this horrendous itching has been biting at my heels for close to 2 solid months now. Then last week I was at work and I noticed I was breaking out in speckles and hives again. That's why I said last week was a doozy. When you think you have almost beaten something and then it crops up again, it has a huge impact. I know it isn't as bad as what some people have. No, I'm not battling with cancer or some other life-threatening illness and praise God for that. But after itching and hurting for almost 2 months straight and then thinking it was almost over, it was the last straw. I have a low pain tolerance and apparently I have a low itch tolerance too and this was putting me over the edge.

One day I was reading a book my aunt gave me for Christmas. The book had nothing to do with what I'm talking about now but there was one line in the book that sparked my interest. It quoted a verse in II Chronicles:

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You."

Something snapped when I read that line and I knew I had to look it up in its context. I don't know all that much about Jehoshaphat and I spent a good part of any spare time each day learning. Come to find out, Jehoshaphat was a godly king, the King of Judah. He was at peace with all of those around him, he had a big army and was prosperous, and had put everything in his kingdom back in order. He was an all-around good guy with the exception of a couple of mistakes which any one of us could have made. Then one day, for some reason I have yet to find out, the Moabites, Ammonites, and Me-unites all decided to gang up on him and attack him. It was a vast army, many more than Jehoshaphat's army had the power to face. In a round-about way, Jehoshapat questioned God.

“But now here are men from Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir, whose territory you would not allow Israel to invade when they came from Egypt; so they turned away from them and did not destroy them. See how they are repaying us by coming to drive us out of the possession you gave us as an inheritance."

But they all stood before the Lord - the men, their wives and their children with their eyes upon God. And God told them that the battle was not theirs. And Jehoshaphat instructed them to sing to God and praise Him for the splendor of His holiness. And the people did and guess what they found when they reached the battle ground?

"The Ammonites and Moabites rose up against the men from Mount Seir to destroy and annihilate them. After they finished slaughtering the men from Seir, they helped to destroy one another. When the men of Judah came to the place that overlooks the desert and looked toward the vast army, they saw only dead bodies lying on the ground; no one had escaped."

The armies had all killed each other and Jehoshaphat's people didn't lift a finger! Not only that, but the loot they found there was too much for them and it took them three days to get it all!

After reading this, I have to believe that God is going to fight my battles for me. My finances are a mess and I am still itching like crazy. There are days that I worry so much I think I might be sick and I need to give those over to Him. I have resolved to do my best to give these battles to Him, to sing to Him and praise Him for all that He is. Otherwise, I do not know what to do, but my eyes are on Him!

Keep Going and Don't Look Back ~

2010-12-31T02:19:00.006-06:00

This is officially the last day of the year, tomorrow will be 2011. For the past couple of years I have made a timeline and posted all of the good (and some not so good) things that have happened throughout the year. I can truly say that this has been one of the toughest years for me to get through. I'm sad that the year is over only because I wanted it to end on a great note and time ran out too soon. So, instead of posting all of God knows what, I've decided that this time I'm going to look mostly forward instead of back.

I've heard a lot of great sayings about not looking back, putting things in the past, moving forward. They aren't just words that someone said on a whim. I would be willing to bet that most of them came about because of an experience someone had that they wish they hadn't. Here are a few of them:

"One problem with gazing too frequently into the past is that we may turn around to find the future has run out on us." ~Michael Cibenko"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." ~Euripides, Alexander

"Would you keep a chive on your tooth just because you enjoyed last night's potato?" ~From the television show Boston Common

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post." ~L. Thomas Holdcroft
"It's but little good you'll do a-watering the last year's crops." ~George Eliot, Adam Bede

"Living the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causing you to bump into people not going your way." ~Edna Ferber

"If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today." ~Author Unknown

"Our past is like a footprint. It only confirms we were there. No burden on our future does it bear." ~Jeb Dickerson

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last one is my favorite and, Oh how I wish I could live it every day! Ralph Waldo Emerson was actually rephrasing something that had been said many years before, whether he knew it or not.

Philippians 3:13

"I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before..."

So 2010 is another year gone by. It's time to move on and plan for the future, reach for the things that are ahead. My one New Year's Resolution is that I would not spend all of my time struggling and working but that I would spend more of it with my family and friends, doing things that matter. Nurture my relationship with God. Participate in more events that are worthy of picture-taking. Make new friends. Visit old friends. Smell the roses. Enjoy the coffee. Don't give people more of me than they deserve. Say NO. Say YES! Get caught up in some things. Get over some things. Get a hold on some things. Let go of regrets. Forget the past and move on.

~ Welcome 2011! ~

He Knows What We Need ~

2010-09-13T23:24:00.005-05:00

I have been keeping something to myself all this week. I wanted to savor it and remember it in my head all on my own for a while before I shared it with anyone else. You may think that you can hide your thoughts and feelings from God but that is where you are wrong. And just when you need Him most, He will meet you in the oddest of ways and leave you with your mouth hanging open in awe.

So I work the odd shift from 10:30 a.m. to 7 p.m. From 5:30 to 7 I am all alone and I usually spend this time finishing up with work, answering phone, sometimes I write or find other ways to make the time pass. The volunteers in the information booth go home for the day and I automatically become the information booth as well. It is also during this time that my mind has the chance to wander to places it shouldn't. Places filled with worry about the future, doubt about myself and my capabilities, regret about the past, and a host of things that I battle with almost daily.

On this particular day I had taken that dark path again and was thinking of how I got to where I am now. A deep sense of regret and despair began to wash over me as I thought about what could have been, how life could have been easier for me, how I would not have to struggle with money or wonder about the future. I was thinking about all kinds of crazy things when a man came rushing up to my desk pushing a wheelchair. He asked me where the restroom is and all I had time to do was point in the direction before he took off running, shouting over his shoulder for me to please watch his wheelchair.

A short time later he came back and apologized and told me how embarrassed he was. I told him it was ok and said that I was sure he'd had a long drive. I never intended to have a conversation with him. It's not that I minded him talking to me but I just had so much on my mind. But then this is where the story took a turn and he said to me,

"You know, eight months ago I lost my job. I had a good job and was a supervisor at a good company and suddenly I was out of work. I looked everywhere for a job and I was thinking how I have degrees and education and that I really should have a decent job. But no, that is not what God had in mind. So I applied for this job, transporting patients from here to there and I believe that God is using me in this way because if He did not have a plan, He would not have me doing this job. So I said, Ok God, if you want me to drive this van, then I will do it. I have a roof over my head. My daughters have not gotten pregnant and my sons have not impregnated anyone. I have a good wife and the bills are paid. God has provided for me and it might not be what I had in mind but it is His plan so this is what I do. And I thank God every day that He knows what I need."

And then he looked at me and said,

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I just told you all of that."

And as I picked my chin up off the floor I was trying hard not to let the tears out from under my eyelids. I told him, "You have no idea... thank you so much for what you said." I have been struggling and wondering and questioning all of my circumstances for so long. Like him, I have an education and degrees and what an embarrassment to not be using them. Was it all for nothing? I had looked for work for so long and was so discouraged. Even now I could not see that I was blessed. I had a roof over my head, friends, a job, and so many more things. Maybe it wasn't what I had envisioned for myself at one time. Even so, God knows what I need better than I do.

As he was getting ready to walk away from my desk he looked at me and said,

"You know what Jennifer? I'm going to pray for you. God knows what you need."

Since that time he has come back by a couple of times on his way to fetch a patient. He tells me that now when he prays at night he simply says, "And God, remember Jenny." He says that is all it takes because God knows already what I need. I wanted to keep this precious moment to myself, just between God and me. But now it is time to share it. Sometimes our situation, our circumstances, our station in life is not what we think it should be. But God knows better what we need.

You Can Have Me ~

2010-09-13T22:48:00.001-05:00

I was on my way to work one day recently when a song came on the radio. I haven't listened to the radio in quite some time. I figure that with all the noise in my head lately, I don't have to put up with even more of it. So maybe everyone else has already heard this song by Sidewalk Prophets (one of my new favorites). It's called "You Can Have Me" and the first line goes like this:

"If I saw you on the street..."

So I started thinking about if I actually saw Jesus walking down the street in jeans and a T-shirt. And sandals, of course. I mean, we talk about "We shall see Jesus" and "I can only imagine" but forget all the golden streets and harps and glistening hilltops for a moment. Just pretend you are walking around at Sundance Square or Times Square, or whatever the square is called where you live, and Jesus walks up to to you in the flesh. (Nevermind the question of how you would know it's Him, that's a whole other blog). The next line in the songs says,

"And You said come and follow me..."

I don't know about you but I started asking myself if I really knew Him well enough to just up and follow Him. After all, He is not just some guy on the street, He's Jesus Christ - God. It is one thing to think of falling on your face before God as He shines in all of His glory and majesty. Its quite another for Him to walk up to you in street clothes.

I'm not trying to "dumb down" God. I feel horrible even saying it that way. I do not want to withhold any respect that is due Him or belittle the awe that I know I will feel when I see Him in the flesh some day. However, I have been thinking deeply for the past few days about how to be more personal and intimate with God. It is inconceivable to me that the Maker of the universe would even know my name, much less want to hang out with me.
I am longing to know the God that I can go to with everything and anything. The one that isn't "way up there" looking at me way down here. I want to follow Him and just sit and converse and laugh with Him and lean on Him tell Him all of my secrets and fears. I want desperately to be able to say "You can have me" but somewhere along the way I misplaced my trust and can't seem to find it again. But I will keep searching and trying and I believe that in time I will be able to give Him all of me.

Psuedo-What?

2010-07-31T13:32:00.003-05:00

Before I got fired from my last job (yes, I said fired) I kind of lived in a psuedo-world of my own. I actually looked up the word "psuedo" after I had already used it here and it said, "not genuine but having the appearance of." That was the adjective form of the word. The noun form of psuedo is far more harsh: "faker, imposter, role player, sham, pretender, fraud, fake, beguiler, cheater, deceiver, trickster, slicker, - someone who leads you to believe something that is not true." Well good grief! You may as well call me the devil! Raise your hand if you are also a Psuedo (pronounced soo'-do). Well if you didn't raise your hand then you are definitely a psuedo too. To some extent we all are. I know there are some of you saying right now, "No! I'm really real! What you see is what you get!" Well good for you. Either you are lying or you have figured out something that has taken me all of my life to get.

In one of my last blogs I said that I had not written anything in a while because I feel I should only write something if it is truthful. For the last however-many months I have been searching for what is really the truth about myself. Searching = silent blog.

One of the first things I realized is that I have been living to please everyone other than myself or God. It's true. Oh, it was great if I pleased God in the process and even greater if I was also pleased. But mostly I just wanted to be cared for and accepted. It was a constant struggle between what I wanted, what others wanted, and what God wanted.

Secondly, and this may surprise some of you, I don't know God all that well. I've read about Him, studied Him, wrote about Him. I even went to Bible school and Seminary hoping that would be enough to prove how tight God and I are. Thing is, it ticks me off how many "God-hoops" I've actually jumped through to keep my psuedo-world orderly and intact.

So anyhow, like I was saying, that is where I lived before I got fired. You see, a psuedo-world can only hold up for so long until it starts to crumble. You have to make a decision as to what is more important. Is it really worth the effort to keep supporting and building up your psuedo-world? Or is it better to go through the pain of letting it fall down around you and be exposed? Sometimes there is not even a choice. In my case, I believe that God allowed that world to come crashing down. When I got fired, it was a turning point in my life. I could either get up and build a different world or I could hold on to the rubble and keep building among the ruins. I chose to get up out of the ruins and build something different. I don't know what it is or what it will become but for once in my life I know what passion is. Yes, it is scary but it is also wonderful. Who knows what I may let you in on next...

This Conversation...

2010-04-14T21:26:00.004-05:00

I have been so tired lately. And pitiful. Tired and pitiful and I didn't care who knew it! First of all, I started a new job (one the God gave me) and it was great at first. The training was really fun and I made some new friends. Oh, not TOO close of friends because I have been standing my ground about not making friends at work. But these were people I enjoyed hanging out with. I suddenly forgot about all the times I said, "Just be grateful you have a job!" Because now I'm seeing that even when you have a job, if you can't pay all the bills, it can be discouraging.

Then there is the dog that God also gave me. Oh how he LOVES to lick his feet! And everything else he comes in contact with. I love him with all my heart but I actually thought about sending him to live with my mother for a week so I wouldn't have to listen to all the different noises (and smells) he makes. Maybe then I could get a full night's sleep without him scratching on the door in the middle of the night.

Oh, and let me tell you about the house that God blessed me with. I went to turn the air on and, well, it came on. And stayed on. All night long. But it was never any cooler in here so the repair man had to come fix it. Then he kept bugging me at work to sign some paper and fax it back to him.

I'm too big. The neighbors are too loud. Nobody cares about me. Maybe I'm not cute enough. I can't trust anyone. I'm probably going to get in a wreck and die. This is a stupid re-run! Why can't they EVER put anything new on TV? They are talking about me behind my back. Some people have all the luck but it's never me. I'll never measure up. When is this day going to be over? My back is killing me. I wish I even had enough money for a manicure. I think I'm going crazy. What if I have cancer!? I hope I don't get old and have nobody to care for me. This cake looks terrible. He's with someone else. Don't believe they are your friend. Trust NO ONE. Geez! Don't tell me the shower already needs to be cleaned again. I'm so sick of going to the store. I'm not in that great of a mood.

Do you get the picture? Do you see where I am going with this? Well, I was sitting in front of my computer the other night. I guess maybe I have noticed this before but it never jumped out at me before like it did this time. I had just deleted an email and my computer flashed a sign that said,

"This conversation has been moved to the trash."

Immediately I thought to myself, "As it should be!" Then it dawned on me. How many conversations have I had with myself lately that needed to be moved to the trash? Or how many conversations have I had with other people that needed to be moved to the trash? In counseling we call it "negative self-talk." There is a technique that is regularly used with clients who experience things such as depression or anxiety. It goes something like this: The client is to have easy access to a pad of paper and a pen. At regular intervals throughout the day, he is to write down the thoughts that have passed through his mind. Doing this for a number of days creates awareness about the kinds of things we talk to ourselves about. I just did it a couple of paragraphs ago. Those were really my thoughts. I didn't know exactly how badly I had been talking to myself until I was getting them all out on paper, so to speak. Well, lately it has been a lot and that is disobedience to God in an ever-so-subtle way. The Bible says,

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8.

It does not say, "I suggest that you think about such things" or "Try as hard as you can to think about such things." It just says to think about them. Period. It doesn't even give us a choice to do anything else. I read several different versions and they all began with "Finally" which leads me to believe that is was the final word on the subject. It's like when your mother says, "That's what I said and that is final!" There is no argument, no choice there. It was final.

So anyway, the other part of the counseling assignment goes like this. Once you get the hang of monitoring your thoughts and listening to the ugly things you say about yourself, you start replacing them with better stuff. That sounds an awful lot like Philippians 4:8, doesn't it? I did not say it was easy or fun. In fact, it is a lot of work. It is very disheartening to realize how negative we really are when we talk to and about ourselves. No wonder we get depressed and anxious!! I also know how difficult it can be to refrain from thinking the bad things and then letting them come straight out my mouth. So I've decided to rely on the following verse as my daily prayer,

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer."

I know that it will take the strength of the Lord to change my thoughts and words. So starting right now, let me say that I am so thankful that I have a job and, although it doesn't pay as much as my previous one, I know God will take care of me. My heart is also full when I think of my little dog who licks eveything in sight because I know that he has a deep affection for me. I wouldn't trade him for the world and he is not going to stay with my mother for a week. God has blessed me with this beautiful house and is teaching me all kinds of wonderful things about how to take care of it. All of the previous complaints have definitely been moved to the trash!

Definition of Myself

2010-02-19T10:43:00.003-06:00

I was in Bible Study class recently and one of the points of the lesson stated, "Do not allow yourself to be defined by your past mistakes." I think it hit home because I had been doing just that. I had imagined people looking me in the face and telling me that I was ok and then judging me behind my back. I could imagine them saying things like, “I can’t believe she did that! Poor girl really messed her life up this time.” Or, “Well, she knew better than that and now she’ll just have to deal with the consequences.” In reality, I’m sure there may have been some people who have said those things. Shoot! I’ve said those things about myself!

It’s like the football player who ran the wrong way. Now I’m not much of a football fan so I don’t know who this guy was or what team he played for. But I do know that there is only one direction to run in that game for any one team to get ahead and this guy ran the opposite of that. The opposing team didn’t stop him because he was scoring points for them. He thought all the people screaming at him were cheering him on. Later it was said that he felt like that one mistake had ruined, not only his career, but his entire life. He defined himself by that mistake and by what people may have said about him afterward. No matter how well he had ever played before or after, that is the thing that people would always remember. He knew the rules to the game. He knew better than to run the way he ran. I don’t know what happened so I can only speculate. Maybe he got confused and disoriented during all of the excitement of the game. Perhaps he was under a lot of stress to perform well and it overwhelmed him. Possibly he was distracted by the prestige of being a star or maybe he hadn’t gotten enough sleep. We don’t know!! What we do know is that he never really recovered from his mistake. In a way, it is somewhat understandable. On the other hand, I wish he had been strong enough refuse being defined by that debacle because it has led to a life of misery for him.

For me, I refuse to be defined by the mistakes I make. I know my failures and shortcomings. Most of the time I am tempted to take only those things in to consideration when I inventory my life. However, from this point forward, I intend to define myself in a different way. I’m a child of the King, a member of royalty. As such, I am blessed with a rich heritage that, yes, makes mistakes but is able to rise above them with grace and honor. Because I watch my Father and try to imitate Him, I have developed a character that proves to be strong. I have found a strength that causes me to persist even when people tell me I can’t make it or that I’m ruined. I’ve learned to take things in stride and trust that my Father is in control of the entire kingdom and is negotiating for me. Because I am His offspring, I care for people (sometimes too much), I forgive, I love, I respect, and I give. I am honest and kind and I have a genuine interest in the wellbeing of others. So remember me as “the girl who messed up” if you are so inclined. I refuse to be defined that way. I hope you also will take an honest inventory of your life and decide how you would like to be defined and just go for it.

It's Not Over Yet ~

2010-02-04T15:27:00.003-06:00

I was sitting in church last night. It was Wednesday evening and since I have not been a member of this church for long, it was only my second Wednesday evening service to attend. The singing was absolutely beautiful though! On Wednesdays they sing acapella - without music - and the sound of the voices blending is astonishing! You can feel the Spirit sweeping across the building, soaking in the praise and worship.

The sermon came from Acts 8:26 - 40 and it is about the Ethiopian eunuch. In case you do not know, a eunuch is a man who has been castrated. That way, when he is guarding the queen he will not be able to sexually assault her or carry on an inappropriate affair or get distracted from his duties. It was explained to us that in that day, eunuchs sometimes became eunuchs because they were forced to. On the other hand, some became eunuchs because they wanted to rise within the ranks and that was the only way to do so. Now I'm not a man but I couldn't help but ask myself right then and there "who would DO that?!" Aparrently this eunuch had become a eunuch in order to rise in the ranks, to climb the corporate ladder, so to speak. His chariot was the equivalent of a private jet and he owned his own copy of Isaiah, something that was very impressive! It still doesn't seem worth it to me. Anyway, the Ethiopian eunuch had just been to Jerusalem to worship; however, he did not get saved there. He got saved on the way back when the Spirit miraculously told Philip to approach the chariot and stand beside it. It sounds to me like God was asking Philip to eavesdrop... but whatever. It so happened that when Philip approached the chariot, he saw the eunuch reading the book of the prophet Isaiah. The eunuch didn't understand what he was reading so Philip explained it to him and the eunuch ended up getting saved. But actually, that is not the part I wanted to talk about here. I just had to go through all that to get to the good part. It was at this point in the sermon that I got distracted because I got hung up on a verse that the eunuch was probably also reading from Isaiah 56:3-6:

3. And let not any eunuch complain, "I am only a dry tree." 4. For this is what the LORD says: "To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose what pleases me and hold fast to my covenant- 5. to them I will give within my temple and its walls a memorial and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that will not be cut off."

In my mind, here was a eunuch who had worked very hard and had given up everything to become a high-ranking official. He had even given up his most precious body part, the one part that would have enabled him to leave a legacy by taking a wife and having children. At this point in his life, I'm assuming that the eunuch discovered that he longed to be able to have children so that his bloodline, as well as his legacy, could continue. Instead, he saw himself as "a dry tree." What he had done by becoming a eunuch was irreversible. Some things don't grow back. And some things can't be undone. Lots of things he would have been able to change, but not this. Even though he had done it for what seemed to be an honorable cause at the time, he would give anything if he could change it back now. But he couldn't - not ever.

And that is how we are. Life goes on and we do things that we can't undo or that we can't change. Ever. We long to have a future and a legacy to pass on but it seems so hopeless because of that one unchangeable decision. We cut off a body part that was most valuable. Or cut off a relationship that meant the world to us. Or we turned our back on our calling. Maybe you had an abortion or gave up a baby for adoption. Or maybe you searched but didn't find that person to spend your life with and now you are getting older. There are so many things it could be but the bottom line is, it seems hopeless because of a decision you made. You've lost the one thing that could have meant a future for you and you can't change it or get it back.

But take heart! Satan never has the last word. It is not over yet! The Lord said that if we will choose to keep His Sabbaths and if we choose to do what pleases Him and if we hold fast to His covenant, then we will be remembered by something even better than what we thought, had we been able to undo that one bad decision. God is so gracious. Though our actions have consequences and are sometimes painful beyond words, God will still give us the chance to leave a legacy if we cling to Him and strive to please Him. Another verse that comes to my mind is Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I could go on and on because these past few months I have had times when I felt hopeless and that my life was finished. Regret colored many of my days with despair and my heart was heavy as a rock. I was like a eunuch who longed to have a family and nothing could change my situation. But now, I have heard from the Lord and been assured that my life is not over. I don't know what the future holds but I intend to walk closely with the Lord and cling to Him so that I can find out. Now honestly, I do love going to church and I did hear part of the sermon last evening. I just happened to get stuck on my own sermon and it was definitely one God wanted me to hear. Please don't give in to the notion that God is finished with you or that it is too late to prosper for His kingdom. He is capable of anything and you have no idea what He has in store. It's not over yet.

Fort Worth Rodeo ~ Yeeee Haaawwww!

2010-01-25T17:17:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine scored tickets to the Fort Worth Rodeo for Friday night. Not only did we get to go to the rodeo, they also fed us a brisket and sausage dinner, complete with beans, cole slaw, potato salad, rolls, and cookies. Delicious!

This is how the rodeo starts - with the 6 flags over Texas riding out on horseback. After they take their places the participants and sponsors ride out to join them. My favorite part is when they passed by the AMERICAN flag. At that point, all the cowboys took off their hats and held them to their chest. It was almost a tearjerker for me. Then when everyone was out, they said a prayer and we sang the Star Spangled Banner. Oh Lord, was I trying to keep my composure!!

These are two of my favorite people in the world! Cooper (left) is 10 and he calls me his "second mom." When his first mom isn't around, he just calls me "Mom." :) Matthew (right) is 9 and he was a bit disappointed that we didn't get to go to the petting zoo. We did, however, see Elsie and her baby, Bouregard.

Of course, Cooper wanted to take some picture with my camera and so I had to put on my very best face!

This is tough to see but it is a picture of what Texas kids do for fun. They let loose a whole herd of calves and whoever caught one got $500! Even the ones who didn't catch a calf got to go home with a new pair of Justin ropers. Those are boots, for you city folk :)

My mother does beautiful work ~

2010-01-25T16:44:00.001-06:00

This is my back door. Isn't it beautiful??

For about 6 weeks after I moved in, this door had nothing over the window. And although it is in the back of the house, I just had a feeling that when the train went by the conductor could see right into my house. It was also kind of scary at night, especially when I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink. I would walk into the living room and see my reflection and freak out, thinking it was some wild woman standing right outside my window. So my mother, who is very crafty, came over and made this beautiful curtain to go over the window. It is difficult to capture the beauty of it in a picture but it is turquoise blue with a turquoise and brown tie around it. Very snazzy!!

I'm a Mandarin ~

2010-01-16T17:57:00.001-06:00

I just took an on-line personality test. I don't know what made me do it except I was trying to figure out what type of talents I have and I came across this test. Well, guess what?

I'm a Mandarin!
And here's what that means:

You're an intellectual, and you've worked hard to get where you are now. You're a strong believer in education, and you think many of the world's problems could be solved if people were more informed and more rational. You have no tolerance for sloppy or lazy thinking. It frustrates you when people who are ignorant or dishonest rise to positions of power. You believe that people can make a difference in the world, and you're determined to try.

And here are my percentages as indicated by the test:

Talent: 46%
Lifer: 44%
Mandarin: 54%

Just go here to take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz yourself!

Day Soap and Night Soap ~

2010-01-15T14:18:00.003-06:00

I have tried a lot of soaps in my time. Facial Cleansers you might call them. I've tried the really expensive kinds and the regular kinds and I've even tried the generic, off-brand kinds. You know, the ones that are supposed to be the same as the name-brand but the bottle usually has a really plain black-and-white label. I've fallen for everything when it comes to cleansers for the face. I've used the ones that burn like the dickens, the ones that smell like medicine, the ones that have moisturizers built right in. I've tried them all because I have what you could call problem skin. My skin makes lots of oil which traps lots of dirt which leads to blackheads and pimples. On parts of my face, the pores are the size of manholes. Ok, actually, I've seen a lot worse skin than mine but it is my skin so it makes it seem worse to me. Thus, the reason I have tried every cleanser known to mankind.

Recently, I found a new new one that is supposed to be used when you go to bed at night. It is purple and the smell is soooo soothing. The claim on the bottle is that it is full of elements that will relax you and send you off into a night of relaxing sleep. I used almost the whole bottle before I determined that it had not, nor would it ever create a calming atmosphere for me in which to fall asleep. So then not so long after that, I found another one. It was orange and had little orange beads floating around in it. The bottle claimed that when one used this cleanser, they would immediately be awakened with a burst of energy so that they could face the day. Well, if I wasn't going to get a good night's sleep as that other soap had promised, then I definitely needed a burst of energy the next morning! So I bought that one too. The rationale was that I would use the orange one in the morning and use the purple one at night until it was all gone. (I've never been one to waste anything). However, as I was reaching for the orange bottle one morning, it slipped right out of my hand and landed on the floor where the spout promptly broke off. I was disappointed because there was at least 3/4 of a bottle of it left and I had no way to get it out unless I took the lid off and pounded on the bottom until it came out. I didn't have the energy to do that every morning - that IS why I bought the soap in the first place - to get more energy! But then I spied the purple one, which had only about 1/4 of the soap left in it. Now, I'm no math whiz but it doesn't take a genious to figure out that 3/4 + 1/4 = 1 whole! So, feeling like I had won the lottery, I combined the two bottles of soap and ~ voila! ~ I had a whole bottle of brand new soap with a workable spout!

That's when it hit me. When was I supposed to use the cleanser? Now there were both day and night formulas in the one bottle. If I used it in the morning would it put me to sleep? Or if I used it at night, would it keep me awake? Or would I stay awake only 3/4 of the day??? I didn't know, so I decided to jump right in and try it. I picked up the bottle and noticed right away that the color was horrible. Orange and purple do not mix to make anything very pretty. It was greyish-brown with a little orange bead floating here and there. While that wasn't too appealing, I had to wash my face with something. So I pushed the pump and a rubbed my hands together and brought them to my face. I don't know who else is in this boat, but I was blessed with a very keen sense of smell. The aromas of relaxing lavender and energy-bursting orange just do not quite go together. It wasn't a horrible smell, but it wasn't good either. It was more like... well, confusing. It didn't make me want to throw it down but it did make me somewhat uncomfortable using it. The whole facial cleanser thing was just very unsettling. And that is when a fragment of a scripture shouted in my mind:

"What communion has light with darkness?"

That is all I could remember at the moment but I made a mental note to look into it later. As confusing as this soap ordeal was, there had to be something more to it than just soap, or which soap to use for day or night. So as soon as I could, I looked it up. The whole scripture in context goes like this:

2 Corinthians 6:14, 15 (NKJV) 14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with Belial (Satan)? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?

It came to me then that God was reinforcing something to me by using a practical illustration, something that I had known all along. God has a way of doing that because he knows where my mind will go before it quite gets there. I had been contemplating something but when I read this scripture, probably for the umpteenth time, the struggle fell away and a peace settled within my heart. I had done the right thing this time! I had rejected the thing that had no fellowship with God, it had no place in my life. If I let it in my life, it would vie for position of first place and I knew that Christ would not share that spot. It wouldn't be like the day soap and night soap, competing with their colors and smells and little orange bursts. It wouldn't be just uncomfortable and confusing. It would be much more serious and devastating. Maybe you are laughing and maybe you are thinking that this soap thing is a stretch of the imagination. God uses whatever He needs to use to get our attention. This time it was facial cleanser and this time it worked. And just in case you are wondering, I continue to use that soap because I've found out that it works pretty well for my skin and also serves as a gentle daily reminder for my spirit.

This Last Year ~

2010-01-07T19:29:00.003-06:00

I did this last year because one of my friends did it and I'm a copycat. I'm doing it this year because I want to be able to look back and see what God has brought me through. I'm a little bit late because I seem to have had writer's block for the past couple of months. I even considered shutting down this blog (it's more for myself than for anyone else anyway) but I think I will hang in there. So here it is:

January ~ I traded my beloved SUV in for a compact car. Also, my divorce was final this month. I had no idea how difficult it would be but it took months to get through it and I may still not be completely past it.

February ~ Started working on the preparations for my parents' 40th Anniversary party. It was a lot of work but it was worth it. We are so proud of them!

March ~ I think this is the month I started working the day shift. Finally. We had the Anniversary party at the beginning of this month and it was a lot of fun!

April ~ This month I finally started making my apartment a home. I had lived there for five months already but I did so hated being divorced. I wasn't ready to accept it until around this time.

May ~ I started working for Mr. Korman at Hospitality Concepts. I love Mr. Korman, he is so professional and respectable.

June ~ Where was I this month?? I don't remember any of it!

July ~ Attended a mandatory First-time Home Buyers seminar that took up a whole perfectly good Saturday. Tug also was extremely ill the night before and the doctor said he had a stomach virus. I was so worried!

August ~ Looking for a house to buy, which actually started way back in June. August was some super-serious looking because time was running out. Then, just when I had given up, I found the perfect one!!

September ~ My birthday was this month but really nothing special happened for it. However, me, my mother, and my aunt went to San Antonio for a weekend and had a fun time. It was the first time I'd ever heard of a skunk egg. Yummy!!

October ~ Lost my full-time job. And that is all I have to say about that. I also started attending Richland Hills Church of Christ, a big shocker for me. But I love it and I am looking forward to meeting lots of new people and getting much more involved.

November ~ Closed on my new house and moved in! Still looking for a job.

December ~ This month is always fun for me but much of the spirit was dampened with worry and regret. I was still looking for a job. However, I finally came around and enjoyed celebrating the birth of Christ.

When I looked back over this past year, I realized that I had weathered some difficult things, some of them I haven't even talked about here. The second thing I realized is that I have learned something from all of it. In 2010 I plan to have more fun and make more memories than I did in 2009. I want to pack in as much as possible and really live life to the fullest!

This Season...

2009-12-16T18:48:00.004-06:00

It has been a long time since I have written anything or even felt like writing anything. Because, when I write, I want it to be truthful and honest. For the past two months I did not want to write anything because I knew if it was honest, it would come out sounding sinister and sad. Who wants to read something like that? The truth is, I was fired from my job because of my own horrible decision-making. I was going to say "stupidity" but it wasn't because I'm not stupid. I simply made some wrong turns because I started thinking with my emotions instead of with my brain. And then I didn't want to be around people because I felt like they were either judging me or pitying me, neither of which I wanted. I isolated myself and even stopped taking phone calls for a while. I've also been looking for a job ever since with no luck, bills piling up, and a house payment coming due soon. I guess you could say I was beating myself up daily as much as anyone else was.

Then Christmas started creeping up. I know, I know! Jesus is the reason for the season and I believe that with all my heart. I just don't like the idea of not giving gifts to everyone around me, especially when I know there are those who will straight-out ask me, "What did you get me this year?" So instead of expecting someone else to foot the bill for my Christmas cookie exchange, I cancelled it. Instead of buying gifts for everyone, I bought for the ones closest to me and was done with it. And I was quite disgusted with the whole season - even the carols!

Then recently I got an email from a missionary. I've always had a heart for missions and was truly blessed when I heard from her. She stated that she was coming home for a while and said if I had any prayer requests to let her know. I told her I was looking for a job and this is what she replied to me:

Hi Jennifer, Yes, honey, I will definitely be in prayer for your new job. Remember, things always look bleak just before God comes thru. In fact, some of us around here call him Jehova "nickatime". I, too, hate waiting, unfortunately I think that must be my middle name. Might you be needing a rest? Or while you are working your parttime job, can you finish moving in, or do you need to do some "staying before the Lord" time? When you can come to a decision on why the Lord may be asking you to wait, then obey what you think He is saying, soon you can say "Thank you Lord for giving me the guidance I need and opening the doors I need to walk thru." Hey, you're the one who is the counselor...but I always try to give what the Lord shows me. Have a wonderful Christmas.

When she asked, "Might you be needing a rest?" I thought about how I had been off work for two months already. However, I honestly had not been resting. Not resting in the Lord or resting in any other way. I have been scurrying and worrying and, honestly, I haven't gotten much accomplished but I'm truly exhausted! Then she said, "Can you finish moving in?" How did she know that I still have boxes packed up and things laying here and there? Did she realize that I get up every day and feel frustrated with these things just half-way done? But the real kicker is when she said, "Do you need to do some 'staying before the Lord' time?" Honestly (and we are being honest here) I need a lot of "staying before the Lord time." The truth is that it is very difficult for me to go before God when I know I've messed up. And if I can't admit to Him that I've messed up, how can I ask Him to help me out??

I've read and re-read that email this week. I know that, just as she said, the Lord did show her those things. It made me really start to think. God told her what he wanted me to know because I was too stubborn to face Him. Yet He still wanted me to come and stay before Him. He still wants me no matter who else doesn't. He wants me (and you!) so much today that, a long time ago, He sent His Son as a baby to redeem us from every bad decision, every sin, everything. And that truly is reason enough for me to do some "staying before the Lord" time right now. Today I stopped scurrying and worrying and got honest with God so that I could prepare myself for what is to come. Today the Christmas Season came alive to me again and I am excited to see what happens next!

I'm Still Here!

2009-12-06T00:44:00.005-06:00

It has been a very long time since I posted anything. It has been a long dry spell and I struggled to come up with something but I couldn't. I guess I had too many other things on my mind. It probably seemed like I had dropped right off the face of the earth and at one point I just wished I could. But now I am feeling better and thought I would just let you all know I'm still alive and kicking! It is a Saturday night ~ well, actually very early Sunday morning. It has been a long time since I crawled out of bed this... er... yesterday morning and I am going to go now and get some much needed rest. I promise to make time tomorrow to let you know what has been going on in my world for the past month or so. Until then ~ Good Night world!

A Walk Down Homeless Row ~

2009-10-13T11:46:00.005-05:00

As most of you probably know, I work in a facility for men who have been in crisis and working on recovery. Some of them came from nice homes and lost everything. Some of them come from the streets. All of them are near to my heart. Don't get me wrong, they can be gamey - very gamey. They've fooled me more than once and I'm still learning not to be so naive. However, there are certain qualities that I admire about some of them. Even their sinister sense of humor sometimes awes me. For instance, I was trying (key word being trying) to play a game of spades with them the other day. It was a learn-as-you-go process because I hadn't played in a while. So I told the guys, "I don't have a heart," meaning that I didn't have that particular suit of cards. In return, one of them popped off, "You have a heart, you just don't have a brain!" Well thank Goodness I have a tough skin! But I just take it as a sign of camaraderie. Although I'm not the same, they sometimes let me in to their world.

Besides playing cards and watching TV or reading, there isn't much for them to do while they are there. Shoot! Even their smoke breaks are limited to one cigarette every two hours. However, they are allowed to walk to the corner store that is approximately 1/2 mile down the road, as long as they go in pairs. This same road is where some of them came from, the place where homeless folks live and some of them swap drugs and sell, um... stuff. Anyways, I stuck my head in my supervisors office and asked her, "Do you think it would be a bad idea if I were to walk to the store with some of the guys?" She wasn't worried except that it was somewhat chilly out there. So I started asking around if anyone wanted to walk to the store with me. Wow! They were shocked! "Do you know how far it is to the store?!" "You do know that it's all uphill on the way back?" or, "Why do you want to walk when you have a car here?"

Three of them were ready to go. So I stepped out with them, badge hidden inside my coat and a cell phone in my pocket, just in case. The guys were eager to show me around the place they came from, like it was their old hometown or something. Just this simple walk to the store had a certain routine and they showed me the ropes. Cross the street here, be careful at this spot, here is the tricky part... and we made it safely. And along the way, they showed me where all the people go when there isn't room in the shelter. A trail here, a hill there, a tree or an overpass. People passed us and smiled or nodded their heads. There were even whole families out there. A guy asked us for loose change and we kept walking. I felt safe because "my" guys were there, one on the side and two behind, hemming me in. I don't know if they did that intentionally but it was still a comfort. And my eyes were opened a bit wider to the world around me. They aren't necessarily "bad" people - they are just people. Some made really bad choices and some were just victim to the circumstances. I know I can't save the world but at least now I know some of what I'm dealing with. I recently heard a pastor say, "Our mission is to expand the Kingdom of Heaven, which means making wherever we are, more like it ought to be." The little things I see each day remind me of that mission and if a walk down homeless row was what it took, then I'm happy to do it.

You're Probably Tired of Seeing This ~

2009-10-04T15:44:00.005-05:00

I drove by yesterday, as is my weekend ritual now. The forms were put in for the driveway and the sidewalk. There are also about 6 other houses being built on the same street, right next to mine. I hope I have good neighbors!

San Antonio 2009 ~

2009-09-28T13:55:00.006-05:00

So I took a trip to San Antonio with my mother and my aunt Jan. We had fun but we were SO tired by the time we got back!

On the way there we stopped in West, Texas at a place called "The Pizza (and not just pizza) House and Restaurant."

This is what you get on the lunch special for $5.25! This is catfish fillet, in case you were wondering what that HUGE piece of meat is. Also potatoes and gravy, beans, a roll, a salad and a Kolache for desert.

This is an appetizer called a "skunk egg." It is sausage, bacon, cheese, onions, peppers, and a whole lotta other good stuff all wrapped up and deep fried. We don't know how they did it but it was really good! Right next door was a Czech bakery, which we czeched out and bought some pastries from...

We spent most of the morning and part of the afternoon at the Market Place in downtown San Antonio. We saw these guys making music right in the middle of the market. We also ate at Mi Tiera, a really good Mexican place that has a bakery attached to it.

Then we went to the Buckhorn Saloon and Museum. Actually it is just a museum with a restaurant inside of it. We didn't eat there though. Inside was this picture of Bonnie and Clyde.

And this is a replica of the car they drove, bullet holes and all!

When we got back to New Braunfels (where we stayed) we visited the Christmas Shoppe, which is open all year round. I guess that could be Santa Claus sitting on the front porch but if so, he does not look at all like he did when I've seen him before!

This is one of the trees that was inside the Christmas Shoppe. I wish my tree could look like this one! They had all kinds of trees and decorations but this was my favorite!

That is all we did while we were there but that was a lot! On the way back we stopped at the same pastry shop to get some goodies for the people back home (and ourselves!). We had fun but we were really glad to be back home!!

Random Thoughts From People Like Me ~

2009-09-24T12:20:00.008-05:00

I know I haven't blogged about anything "deep" lately but I just haven't had that many "deep" thoughts lately. However, one of my friends sent me an email and I literally was laughing out loud (LOL) because I really have thought most of these things at one time or another. I wanted to pass it on to you and I hope you laugh too. So here we go:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk...

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger...

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no Internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot.

Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like, I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem...

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this. Ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it...

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet you a dollar that everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the heck do I respond to that?

It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fatso right before dinner.

As Promised...

2009-09-23T12:21:00.010-05:00

I LOVE Pumpkin Spice Latte (especially from Starbucks) but I HATE paying the price for it. So I scrounged around until I found something that I like just about as well. It costs much less and is a special (but easy) drink to whip up when friends come over.

~ Pumpkin Spice Latte ~

Makes 2 servings:

1 level tablespoon pumpkin puree

1 cup milk

1/2 tablespoon light brown sugar (packed and leveled)

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/8 tsp nutmeg (+ a pinch for dusting later)

1/8 tsp ground cloves

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

2 cups strong coffee (brewed using 2 tbs per 1 cup of water)

4 Tbs Coffeemate creamer

4 to 8 tsp of sugar

Whipped cream

Begin brewing coffee. In a blender, puree the milk, pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, brown sugar and vanilla. Pour into a small saucepan and cook over low heat until the milk is warm and begins to frothe slightly, about 4-5 minutes. Remove from heat.

For each serving: Pour 1/2 cup of the pumpkin / milk mixture into your coffee mug. Add 2 generous tablespoons of Coffeemate creamer. Heat in the microwave for 30 seconds, then add 1 cup of brewed coffee. Add 2 - 4 teaspoons of sugar (depending on how sweet you like your drink). Top off with a touch more 'pumpkin milk' then cover with whipped cream and sprinkle with nutmeg. Serve immediately.

Note to self: Do not ever forget to add the sugar again!!

It Feels Like Fall!!!

2009-09-22T13:21:00.007-05:00

Today when I walked outside it was very Fall-ish out there. It was cool and just a little bit damp. The kind of weather that makes you want to stay inside and BAKE! So here are the pumpkin Spice Cupcakes I made!

Here are the naked ones, before they put on

their awesome Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting!

And here they are all snug in their box,

ready to be taken to work and gobbled up!

And here are the three that wouldn't fit in the box.

Hmm... I wonder what will happen to those!

Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
1/3 cup brown sugar
2 eggs, room temperature
3/4 cup milk
1 cup pumpkin puree

Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting:
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup butter, softened
4 cups confectioners' sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Preheat an oven to 375 degrees F. Grease 24 muffin cups, or line with paper muffin liners. Sift together the flour, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, clove, allspice, salt, baking powder, and baking soda; set aside.
Beat 1/2 cup butter, the white sugar, and brown sugar with an electric mixer in a large bowl until light and fluffy. Add the room-temperature eggs one at a time, allowing each egg to blend into the butter mixture before adding the next. Stir in the milk and pumpkin puree. Stir in the flour mixture, mixing until just incorporated. Pour the batter into the prepared muffin cups.
Bake in the preheated oven until golden and the tops spring back when lightly pressed, about 25 minutes. Cool in the pans for 5 minutes before removing to cool completely on a wire rack.
While the cupcakes are cooling, make the frosting by beating the cream cheese and 1/4 butter with an electric mixer in a bowl until smooth. Beat in the confectioners' sugar a little at a time until incorporated. Add the vanilla extract and 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon; beat until fluffy. Once the cupcakes are cool, frost with the cream cheese icing.

Stay tuned because tomorrow I will post the recipe that goes with these ~ Pumpkin Spice Latte!!

Progress

2009-09-21T10:37:00.008-05:00

Just thought I would post some pics to show everyone how my house is coming along.

First of all, I'm glad to see this "Purchased" sign where it used to say "Available" even though it happened to be laying down in the mud...

This is how far it has come along! Walls and even a roof!

This is the floorplan, just in case anyone is interested. The room right above the garage will be for my little boy when I get him.

What's So Scary About Antarctica??

2009-09-12T11:48:00.009-05:00

I don't know how this blog is going to come out in the end. I have a lot on my mind and those who know me know that things can get pretty jumbled up in there at times. But anyways, yesterday I saw a poll that caught my eye and I started just thinking about it. I never really came to a conclusion about how it would fit into this blog because, like I said, I have a lot on my mind and I ended up moving on to something else before I could think it through. But here is the question posed:

What is the most frightening thing about being in Antarctica?

Now that probably seems like just a stupid random question but hold on a minute! Here were the choices for the answer:

a) Complete Isolation
b) -60 degrees Celsius temperatures, or
c) 100+ MPH snowstorms

Can you guess what most people said? I had to answer of course before I could see what everyone else said and it took me just a moment to decide between two of the answers. Here is how my train of thought was going:

Well, the temperature being low doesn't really bother me because I can just stay inside and watch movies or bake cookies or, well, whatever. So the answer is not b. Hmmm, right now I wish I could go to Antarctica so I could get away from all this cr*p I'm dealing with right now so I guess I would be most afraid of the snowstorm. Ay ay ay, wait a minute... the snowstorm is really dangerous and scary but if I had someone with me to be scared with, we could deal with it. And I could always get away from the cr*p in a nice place like Cancun. MAN what is the answer?! Wait! Like I said, I could deal with anything if I had someone with me so I guess the thing I would be afraid of is being alone. So the answer for me is a) isolation!!

So I picked answer "a" and guess what? So did 43% of the people who took the poll. 33% said the cold temperature (go figure) and only 24% said they would be afraid of the 100+ MPH snowstorm. Being isolated, alone, all by yourself, deserted, abandoned, solitary, unaccompanied, on your own. Whatever word you use, not having anyone else around - ever - is a frightening thing. I mean, there are times when you need some solitude or just some peace and quiet. A song came to my mind. I'm not a huge Kelly Clarkson fan but she has a song called "Since You've Been Gone" and it really kind of sums up all of our feelings sometimes. It says:

"Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again and again
Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time.
I'm moving on"

I went through a long period of time where I felt loneliness set in every day and I couldn't figure out how to be happy by myself. And then there was a time in my life where I felt like I was so shut in by another person that I would die if I didn't get some space. And now I've finally gotten to the place where I feel like I am actually breathing for the first time. I'm finally ready to move along in life and enjoy the people who come in and out of it. I really enjoy my family and friends and I don't know what God has in store for me in the future. Maybe it is a forever-friend (aka. husband, yikes!) or maybe it is a child from another mother (adoption?). For now I'm enjoying my solitude and have learned that isolation is a scary thing, not a safe thing. I never want to go to Antarctica but if I ever have to, I hope you'll go with me!!

You Can Run, But You Can Not Hide!!

2009-09-10T11:26:00.003-05:00

As I was doing my daily Bible study for my FP4H group, something I have been thinking about was reinforced to me. I have always loved this Psalm, but it was the latter part of the Psalm that I loved the most. However, I have now come to love the first part of it just as much. Here it is:

Psalm 139
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.

Now, at one time this part of the Psalm scared the pants off me! If God sees everything I do, then I can't do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it. I can't go just anywhere or do anything. I can't say just whatever pops into my head and I can't even think stuff because verse 2 says that "You understand my thoughts afar off." And who wants someone constantly hanging over their shoulder, so to speak, and reading their mind?! So, no, I wasn't too thrilled with this part of the chapter. However, I have come to realize that when I started striving to do what God wanted me to do, expected me to do, I was grateful that He saw me and knew my thoughts and desires and the intent of my heart. Lining up with God and His Word brings great blessings. Let me explain what I mean.

For some time I have been desiring a house. I'm tired of apartment living with the noise, the gymnast up above me and the man and his wife below me, yelling at all hours of the night. I'm tired of having to throw money away each month for something that is never going to be mine. So I started looking. And looking. And looking! Thank God for knowing my desires, my thoughts, and my goings and comings. He saw me going to my favorite store (Target) almost every Saturday. He heard me conversing with my accountability partner every week, confessing our struggles, both emotionally and spiritually. He saw me going to supervision at a certain Starbucks every Tuesday where I am guided through the process of becoming a good counselor. And He knew my thoughts when I was hesitant to move to a house that was far from all of the things that I love so much. So guess what?!! He put me in a place that was right across the street from Target (as well as Marshall's and Bath & Body Works)! And the house is also right down the street from that certain Starbucks where I have supervision! And it is also close to my accountability partner so it will be convenient to continue meeting! And it is closer to my parents. And it has a place where Tug can call his own (a back yard, lol). I know a house is a material thing, but it was what I desired and God knew. He also protected me from getting what was not the best because he saw the places I frequent and He knew the desires of my heart.

On a deeper level, I'm sure there are many things that I don't know about and many situations where I need guidance. It is awesome to know that God is there. It's not that I have to call Him to come, He is already there and knows all about it!! No longer am I put off by this Scripture. I am comforted in knowing that God knows all about me and has His hand on me, no matter what.

New House!

2009-08-29T19:31:00.004-05:00

This is the foundation of my actual house

I have been looking at houses for a long time. Well, it seems like a long time. I actually only started looking in June but I have looked at a ton of houses! Some of them, I walked in and walked right back out. Some of them were just OK. I even bid on one that was beautiful but I didn't get it. Finally, I just told my realtor that I was tired of looking and I would just wait until next year or whenever I had the funds to get what I wanted. However... at the 11th hour my realtor called and asked if I would be willing to look at just one more house. Actually, I couldn't even look at it because it isn't built yet. It is a brand new house! I looked at a model home, one just like the one being built and it was BEAUTIFUL ~ exactly what I was looking for all along. The home builders are paying my closing costs and buying down the points so that I will have a super-low interest rate and lower monthly payments. Folks, I am moving into a brand new home for almost the same price as I am renting my apartment! Today I picked out the ceramic tile for the floor and backsplash, carpet and counter tops. It is amazing how God always gives us better than what we are expecting!

This is what my house will look like when it is finished!

I Slept Beside My Mom Last Night ~

2009-08-25T10:28:00.004-05:00

When I was in Bible School, I vividly remember some things that happened during some of the classes. There were several funny incidents (which I may share later) but this one came to my mind today. My teacher had just read a verse that stated, "but God, who is rich in mercy..." and then he looked up and proclaimed with great feeling, "Oh, don't you just love that word 'but'!" Of course the worst of us heard "Don't you just love that word 'butt'!" and spent the remainder of the class time stifling giggles. And sometimes I think God uses those stupid little incidents to burn things into our minds because today that day came back to me and all I could think of was God and His great mercy. The verse goes like this:

Ephesians 2:3-6 - we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others. 4 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus...

And God truly is great in His mercy. This weekend I took Friday off to catch up on some errands and just get some rest. On Sunday morning my mom called and was on her way to the hospital where she stayed until midnight. At that time the hospital released her and I brought her home. I laid down beside her and it was then that she told me that the nurse had given her a double dose of her pain medicine. Consequently, her oxygen levels went low and each time she started to go to sleep the monitor would wake her up because she wasn't breathing properly. Keep in mind that she told me this after we arrived home and were laying in bed with NO monitors to alert us if she were breathing or not. My mother lay there talking and it was fine with me because I thought, "As long as she is talking, I know she is breathing." Then at some point she wound down, patted me on the shoulder and said, "Good night, Darlin'." Several times during the night I propped myself up on my elbow and watched for the rise and fall of her chest and strained my ears to hear if she was breathing. And several times she still was. And then sometime in the morning I woke up and berated myself for falling so deep into sleep. But God! In His great mercy, He kept her safe. Each time in the Bible when you see the words "But God" they come after a calamity that could have happened. And each time God stepped in and changed things around. I probably didn't even have to stay awake as much as I did, worrying and looking and listening. We had a rough couple of days but God in His great mercy brought us through it. And we are trusting that He will take us the rest of the way.

I'm not here, I've gone... CRAZY!

2009-08-19T11:47:00.004-05:00

I haven't written on my blog in quite some time. Part of it is due to lack of inspiration and part of it is sheer exhaustion from the crazy schedule I've been keeping lately. First of all, I've been looking for a house to buy and the process is longer and more difficult than I ever imagined! It all started out fun but now I'm really ready for it to be over! Secondly, to pay for all the extra expenses that come with buying a house I've been working as much overtime as possible, plus working a second job. Then there is LPC supervision that comes around once per week. You would think it was no big deal to meet with someone for one hour, one time per week but it actually takes an act of God to reach my supervisor on the phone in order to decide on the time and place to meet. Then last weekend there was the premarital seminar I helped out with. And my dog, Tug, and laundry and dishes, etc. etc. etc!
They say an idle mind is the devil's playground (or something like that). If that is the case, then he will just have to find somewhere else to go play because my mind is all full up right now. Which brings me to my next point... you knew there had to be one. If I'm too busy for the devil, what about God?? Is there enough time or space for Him?? I think it is time to do a little bit of priority rearranging!! In order to keep my sanity and give God the time He is worthy of, I've come up with this list of things that have to change. Please let me know if you have any more suggestions:

1) Pray and read my Bible before anything else and believe that God will give me that time back and prepare me for the day ahead.
2) Turn off the phone when I go to bed and don't turn it on again until I've had time to wake up, had my talk with God.
3) Stop spending so much time on Facebook!! That stupid farm is taking up too much of my time!! I have to set myself a limit.
4) Stop looking for a church until I am settled into my new home. (This one has a lot attached to it that I won't go into right now).

Hopefully this will bring me back from the edge of crazyville. If you have any other tips or suggestion, PLEASE, send them on in!!

SnoreJoy ~

2009-07-20T13:54:00.005-05:00

I was so happy to have someone to lay beside me last night, snores and all! And, NO, I'm not talking about some big hairy man! I'm talking about my little furry buddy, Tug. I came home on Friday night and he was acting really strange, like something was chasing him. And he was scared, I could tell. I took him outside like I always do and he was so sick! He started throwing up and didn't sleep all night long. Since I had to go to a meeting on Saturday, my parents came and got him to take him to the doctor. Ends up he had a stomach virus and he had to get a shot and two prescriptions, plus some fancy dog food. I went to get him yesterday and he met me at the door with a sock. He always has to bring me something when I come in and I knew he was better when he met me at the door with this gift. I brought him home and immediately pulled his bed in the room beside mine. He does snore but I have never been so glad to hear it!

Talkin 'Bout the Carwash, Baby ~

2009-07-13T10:01:00.005-05:00

I took my car to the car wash yesterday evening. I had waited forever because it has been about 400 degrees outside and I did not want to risk a heat stroke. I also had been parking under any tree I could find because it had not crossed my mind yet to get a sun blocker for my window. So the birds had christened my car very well all over the left front hood and top. One of the guys at work even said, "PLEASE, Miss Jennifer, just let me take some water out there and help your car!" So it was time. I pulled into the stall and got out with my 3 little dollars and walked to the change machine. As luck always seems to have it with me, BOTH of the dollar changers were on the blitz. Now, the wash part had a place to insert dollar bills, so I could still wash the outside, but the vacuum only took quarters. So, being the problem solver that I am, I started thinking that at least if I got the outside clean, maybe nobody would know about all the grass and dog hairs and dirt on the inside. And, wouldn't you know it, another blog inspiration popped right into my head.

Is it really OK to look good on the outside, knowing that the inside is still filthy??

We (hopefully) get up and take a shower or bath and put on deodorant. We fix our hair and iron our clothes before we go out. The ladies put on makeup to cover up any blemishes and spray on something that smells nice. We might have a scratch or two, maybe a ding on our doors here and there. But, for the most part, we look pretty good. From a distance. But what about when people get close? Do they hear the bitterness spilling out in our words? Do we put on a smile to cover up the dirty stuff scattered all over the inside of us? And what about our thoughts? Do they please God or would we be embarrassed if someone could open the door and look inside? I thought about just leaving the inside of my car like it was. After all, it was still hot outside and I was tired. I would have to put in some effort to go to the store next door and ask for some change. But change is exactly what I needed although it would take some effort, so I did it. And when I was all finished, I was happy that my car smelled good and people could get in without worrying about getting themselves dirty. That's how I want myself to be too. I want to take the extra effort each day to make sure the inside of me is clean and beautiful, even if the outside has a couple of scratches.

When Push Comes to Shove ~

2009-07-02T11:35:00.003-05:00

I went to the chiropractor last week. And the week before that. And the one before that. I was starting to think that I had a broken neck or something else serious because I had been waking up with numb hands and aching shoulders. Don't get me wrong, I love my chiropractor and he is rather nice-looking - I just don't want to see him all the time. So I decided to see the massage therapist on his staff. At my appointment, I went in the room and it was nice and dim and there was nice relaxing music in the background. I was so looking forward to a nice relaxing massage before facing the rest of my day at work! The therapist came in with a smile on her face. She was a little gal with a cute little haircut and sweet spirit and I wondered if she was strong enough to get the knots out of my muscles. LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING!!!!! I was lying there in the most vulnerable of states that any of us can be in when she started on my left shoulder. She dug her little thumbs right into the muscle of my shoulder and she didn't let go until she could hear the muscles popping and rolling under the pressure. She finally did stop and just when I thought I could breathe again, she started into the same spot with her elbow. All of her body weight went into fighting with this muscle that refused to give. She continued until she had tortured every muscle in my poor back, neck, and shoulders. Then she ordered me to turn over and, I swear, she was trying to pull my head right off of my body. Then in her sweetest voice she told me that time was up and I should rest for a bit before trying to stand up. I had to rest after that and I doubted seriously if I could even stand up! After I left her dark little relaxing room, I felt like I'd been through a rough workout and I was so sore I couldn't lay on my back for a couple of nights. On top of it all, my now-soft muscles were releasing toxins which were making me nauseous. But all of this was necessary. See, I didn't actually go to her to get one of those spa massages where they tickle you and lay hot stones on your back. I went because my muscles were so rigid that they refused to let the bones in my neck and shoulder work properly. They needed some rough manipulation to make them flexible and, in the end, I had much more energy and my bones managed to stay in line for more than a day.

Then I started thinking about my spiritual life. How many times I just wanted a quick fix to put things back in line or how I could skip the consequences of some mistake I had made if I could just rest a while. When it comes down to the bottom line, that isn't the way it works. God often requires us to be pushed and shoved back into the shape he wants us to be in. It is painful at the time and sometimes it produces toxins that we have to deal with for a little while. But in the end, our spirits are clean again and back in line with what God wants for us. I have no doubt that I will visit the chiropractor again and even the massage torturist. And I also have no doubt that God will pound on me over and over again to make me like Him. And in the end, I'll be glad for it. ~

The Joy is in the Climb ~

2009-06-10T10:18:00.005-05:00

Many days I have thought, "If I can just make it until such-and-such a time in my life, I'll be ok." But I don't want to wait until then ~ I will be ok right now! When I get out of school, when I get my degree, when I get married, when I get a better job, when I get a dog, when I get settled in a church, when I get my own house, when I ... when, when, WHEN!! But I'm done spending my life waiting for something to happen, when things happen each and every day. THIS is my life and I am going to live every minute, the good and the bad, and stop waiting for... whatever comes next. Because is isn't about what's on the other side of tomorrow or how fast I get there, it's what I learn during the climb.

The Climb ~ sung by Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down But
no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Memorial Day Thoughts ~

2009-05-25T10:02:00.005-05:00

These pictures are courtesy of my brother, Jeff.

First Thought ~

2009-05-19T10:07:00.005-05:00

I did not make up this survey but I like it. You are supposed to read the word and type in your first thought. Of course, I could not just put anything simple because my thoughts just kept going on and on and I couldn't remember what the very first one was. So here are my thoughts about the following words or phrases:

Relationships
Immediately thought about relationships between men and women and had a panic attack, LOL! Ok, I'm just kidding. I did get kind of serious though. There are so many different kind of relationships. The key is finding out which ones are healthy and nurturing them. My most fulfilling relationship right now, aside from God, is with my parents :)

Your Last Ex
Must we go over this again? I pity the man and that is all I feel for him.

Power
Have I paid my electricity bill yet? No kidding, that was my first thought. Finances are tight these days but I'm still trusting God!

Food
Birthday Cake! I don't know why. I just love it. But also I love to cook and try new things so "food" is a positive word for me.

Drugs
I HATE the devil!! He has used drugs to mess up so many lives and I am fighting it everyday.

George W. Bush
Man, he is SO hot! I tease that I voted for him both times because he was cute. He is but that isn't really why I voted for him. And although that sounds disrespectful, I have the utmost respect for him and Mrs. Bush. They've had a rough time of it and get a lot of unfair criticism. I love them.

The War in Iraq
Hot. I think it must be hot over there and that was my first thought. But I am SO proud of our soldiers who have risked their lives to protect mine. Thank you so much, you'll never know how grateful I am.

Cars
What about 'em? I mean, they are necessary but other than that, I really don't care.

Gas Prices
Quik Trip! I love Quik Trip! That's where I buy my gas but I also love to go in and look at the row of coffee machines and fountain drinks. They also have the cleanest bathrooms if you ever have to go while you're out shopping.

Halloween
My cat costume when I was little. I know Halloween is a pagan holiday but I didn't know that until I was grown so it doesn't represent anything except candy and fun to me.

Politics
Mustafa Abdulla. My very good friend who used to say, "It's politics, Jennifer, just politics" when he didn't agree with something/anything. I miss him so much sometimes :(

Worst Fear
Bills piling up in my mailbox. That's why I don't check it for days at a time. And snakes.

Spiders
Now that's some scary stuff! But I like frogs...

Sex
Well, I was going to say something else but then I remembered this is supposed to be first thought stuff. So I really can't say anything now. This is a Christian Blog!!

Marriage
...is not for the weak of heart! But I truly did think of good things like loyalty, trust, love...

Brunettes
Wonder Woman. She is the prettiest brunette I've ever laid eyes on! And she can jump over stuff.

Redheads
I LOVE red hair!

Blondes
Beware of the ones you think are dumb!!

Work
Digging ditches. That is what I consider work.

Animals
Animals ROCK!! I LOVE animals, especially giraffes. And monkeys. And zebras. Ok, well, I really love all of them.

Porta Potties
Gross. What does this have to do with anything?

Pajamas
Christmas Morning, just rolling out of bed and drinking coffee and listening to carols in my pajamas. Seriously, that is what "pajamas" made me think of!

Pictures
My granny. I would give anything to see her in something other than a picture!

Friends
People I trust, laugh with, share with (except for toothbrushes), shop with :)

Enemies
I thought this said "enemas" and wrote something totally different. But let me back up a bit now. Enemies... I don't think I have any worth mentioning so I won't really waste my time trying to think something up.

Vacation
For some reason San Antonio popped into my mind, although I would LOVE to go somewhere I've never been before. Someday I am going to travel a lot!

Drink
Coffee. I always think of coffee! I'm drinking it right now!

One Lovely Blog Award ~

2009-05-18T11:45:00.006-05:00

I'm very pleased and thankful to my dear friend Tawana at Anything and Everything for this lovely award.

Please visit her blog and check out her posts. The rule is that you have to pass on this award to 15 new blogs. While the blogs I'm listing are not necessarily new blogs, they are most definitely informative, fun, insightful and and inspirational and deserve to be acknowledged. So, like a few others, I'm bending the rules a bit, hopefully I'll be forgiven :) I also think maybe I can't count, you be the judge lol. (By the way, you don't necessarily have to pass this on but it's a nice way to pay tribute to some of your favorite bloggers :)

One Lovely Blog Award Recipients

The Preacher's Wife
Contentment Corner
Amid the Stench (and aroma) of Noah’s Ark
Cherie and Michael
From the Factory Floor
Mrs. Hayward
My Cup of Tea
The Big Mama Blog
The Dessert Fairy
2nd Cup of Coffee
The Flutterbye Chronicles
Dancing Practice With God
Prospering Over Fibromyalgia
My Cup Overfloweth
Anything and Everything

Houston ~ We Have Lift-Off!

2009-05-16T23:11:00.012-05:00

On May 11, 2009 I was athe gym pedaling hard and getting nowhere fast. I didn't care though because I had my earbuds plugged in to the sound on the TV and I got to watch the Space Shuttle Atlantis blast off. My favorite part is when they start counting down and then the shuttle slowly starts to move and everyone breaks into applause. It was such an amazing few minutes that I almost started crying. The following Friday I was listening to the radio on the way to work and I heard something that actually did make me start crying! The morning after they launched up into space, the crew woke up to a very special and appropriate song that NASA was playing for them. Here are the words:

Lord of all creation
of water earth and sky
The heavens are your Tabernacle
Glory to the Lord on high

God of wonders beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares your Majesty
And you are holy, holy
Lord of Heaven and Earth
Lord of Heaven and Earth

Early in the morning
I will celebrate the light
When I stumble in the darkness
I will call your name by night
Lord of heaven and earth
Lord of heaven and earth
Hallelujah!
To the Lord of heaven and earth!

Feathers, Lord, Feathers!!! ~

2009-05-12T23:29:00.006-05:00

My mother understands the title of this one but I'll explain it. There was once a woman in trouble and she could not remember the Bible verse to quote so she shouted out, "Feathers, Lord, Feathers!!!" The verse actually goes like this:

Psalm 91:4 - He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

Dear God,

I am so thankful for all of the wonderful things in my life ~ my family, my friends, a roof over my head, and everything else you have blessed me with. I'm so grateful that I know You. I'm so sorry that sometimes I have trouble trusting you and I get anxious. Today is one of those days. The situation is way over my head and I'm totally helpless. I've been singled out and talked about and judged unfairly. I guess You know what that feels like even more than I do though! Everything is out of control and chaotic and I don't know what to do anymore. Please, please take over and cause the pieces to fall where they were meant to. Please guide and direct my every move so that I can not be found at fault in any further incidents. Help me to trust that whatever happens, whatever the outcome, Your hand is in it and it is Your will. God help me to be able to focus on the good things in my life and not be overwhelmed by the frustrating things. God, cover me with your loving feathers and protect me and shield me from harm. Strengthen my mind and heart and give me courage to trust in Your strong wings. I love You so much and give You praise in advance for working everything out for my good. Thank You God and goodnight.

Love Always,
Jennifer

Psalm 91 - 1 The one who lives under the protection of the Most High dwells in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." 3 He Himself will deliver you from the hunter's net, from the destructive plague. 4 He will cover you with His feathers; you will take refuge under His wings. His faithfulness will be a protective shield. 5 You will not fear the terror of the night, the arrow that flies by day, 6 the plague that stalks in darkness, or the pestilence that ravages at noon. 7 Though a thousand fall at your side and ten thousand at your right hand, the pestilence will not reach you. 8 You will only see it with your eyes and witness the punishment of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the LORD— my refuge, the Most High—your dwelling place, 10 no harm will come to you; no plague will come near your tent. 11 For He will give His angels orders concerning you, to protect you in all your ways. 12 They will support you with their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the young lion and the serpent. 14 Because he is lovingly devoted to Me, I will deliver him; I will exalt him because he knows My name. 15 When he calls out to Me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble. I will rescue him and give him honor. 16 I will satisfy him with a long life and show him My salvation.

Day from You-Know-Where!

2009-05-05T12:24:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was literally a day from hell. Satan has people so bound in their problems and issues that they can think of little other than hurting themselves or ending their lives. Demons have literally been chasing a couple of them around and they hear voices telling them how worthless they are and that they should just end it all now and save everyone a lot of trouble. When I arrived home, exhausted, I lay on the floor and cried out to God. I love these people. They are my brothers and they are being trampled by the enemy. It makes me ANGRY!!! Pray that God goes with me today to help fight the battles for my friends.

The Author ~

2009-05-04T10:10:00.004-05:00

Narrative Therapy was developed by Michael White. The most basic premise of this therapy is that everyone has a story to tell and when the story takes an unexpected turn, 'angst' is created. For instance, think about the movie "Message in a Bottle." It is a love story that takes all sort of crazy turns and then finally the characters get everything straight and it seems like they are meant to be together at last. However, in the last 10 minutes of the movie, a message is delivered that says the male character has died in a storm at sea. WHAT?? I walked out of the theatre feeling shocked and dejected. It was a terrific movie that went all wrong as far as I'm concerned. They were supposed to end up together!! But that isn't how the author wrote it out for them.

So maybe your story took a wrong turn somewhere. Perhaps your story doesn't even seem to make sense anymore and you wonder what the plot of it is. The good new is this:

THE STORY ISN'T FINISHED!!

There is still time to get back on track and have a happy ending. How? You must give your manuscript to God. You were never meant to write your life for yourself in the first place. You are just the main character and God is the true author.

Hebrews 12:2 ~ looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith...

If God is the author then everything that happens makes sense in the end. It is all part of the plot and plan.

And what about the past? What about the part you've already written and everyone has already read? You can accept the past – it can be edited and used for a purpose. No sin, no action, no choice on your part is too big for God to handle – or too big to be worked for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). What if Paul, once a murderer of Christians, had dwelt upon his past mistakes and let them hold him back?? We would now be missing a major part of the Bible that gives account of his missionary journeys and all those that were won over to the cause of Christ. So go on! Give your manuscript over to God and let Him finish and perfect your story. It's never too late.

Restoration ~

2009-04-22T10:41:00.006-05:00

I know God goes to great extremes to bring his children back to Himself. I've had my own attitude adjusted several times. Thank goodness I had sense enough to come to Him with a spirit of repentance before I was completely eaten up by bugs!

Joel 2 ~
12"Yet even now," declares the Lord, "return to Me with all your heart, and with fasting, weeping and mourning; 13 And rend your heart and not your garments" Now return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and relenting of evil. 19 The Lord will answer and say to His people, "Behold, I am going to send you grain, new wine and oil, and you will be satisfied in full with them; and I will never again make you a reproach among the nations. 25 Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, my great army which I sent among you. 26 You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; then My people will never be put to shame."

As Matthew Henry states:

"God is Lord of hosts, has every creature at his command, and, when He pleases, can humble and mortify a proud, rebellious people by the weakest and most contemptible creatures." (Matthew Henry Concise Commentary on the Whole Bible, p. 632)

I'm not a Bible Scholar but from what I've gathered, the land of Judah was ravaged by locusts and grasshoppers and various other insects. The prophet Joel called the Jews to repentance and God answered them and promised His blessings and restoration.
In my daily life I see people who have been ravaged. They've had their lives eaten by insects. Or they've been chewed up and spit out and find themselves in places they never thought they could be. I've been there myself on a smaller scale. Recently I spoke with a man who related his sad, sad story to me and he ended up with, "And then I cried out to God." And I heard the sincerity and hope in his voice. Immediately the image of a grasshopper appeared in my mind and I spoke softly, without even thinking, "God can restore what the grasshopper has eaten - the Bible says so." (The Bible actually says 'locust' but I saw a grasshopper in my mind and went with it). And I do believe that when we sincerely surrender our hearts to God and admit our mistakes, He will redeem the time and help us make up what was lost. I've seen it happening in my own life and now I plan to sit back and watch it in someone else's life. What a privilege it is to serve God and be a witness to His wonderful miracles!

Speak, See, Hear No Evil ~

2009-04-22T09:41:00.007-05:00

(Posted with the permission of the subjects in the photograph)

Here is a picture of some of the guys that live with us at the Crisis Respite/Residential Unit - Larry, Wayne, and Leroy. As you can see, we have some wonderful characters there!

(Posted with the permission of the subjects in the photograph)

And here are a couple of the guys (Leroy & Eric) helping with the laundry. WOW!

Blessings & Thankfulness ~

2009-04-08T13:00:00.008-05:00

This week has been a good week so far! I can see many ways that God has blessed me. As I posted before, I was blessed with some beautiful porch plants and flowers. Yesterday the buds opened up and I have all colors of beautiful flowers to greet me when I walk out my front door! Beauty is all around if you take the time to pay attention. Secondly, I was able to talk to my supervisor at work and she gave me permission to take the residents to church on Easter Sunday. 3 of them have signed up and I'm hoping that some more will decide to go as well. I'm so excited! Then, this morning I had an interview for a part-time job. It is only 8-10 hours per week, doing clerical work for a business consultant in the cultural district of Fort Worth. Exactly what I need to get caught up! He hired me before I left his office. Then I headed on over to the gym where I met with my new work-out buddy :) I was able to get a free 7-day pass and she is going to ask her trainer if I can get a 30-day pass so I can decide if I want to join. Today was the first day of weight training and I can already tell you that I will be SORE tomorrow. I can barely raise my arms to drive already! But anything I can do to make my body healthier is worth it. My next goal is to find a puppy-sitter for Tug. I hate leaving him alone for the majority of the day and he needs to get out and get some exercise once in a while.

Dear God,
I am sooooo thankful for the week you have given me and for the many, many blessings that you have poured out. Thank you for lifting my head so that I could notice the "small" things that bring such beauty and color to my life. I feel like crying when I think of the good things You have done for me... what have I done to deserve them?? Please continue to order my steps and help me to say only things that are positive and good because I know that words are powerful. Please let me be a blessing to those who are in my life and also to those who will be in my life for only a season. I know you are touched by the things that concern us, so please help me to find a sitter for my little boy dog - someone I can trust in my house and trust with my puppy. Prepare the hearts of the men that I will take to church with me on Sunday, that they will be able to see how much you love us, that you sent your only Son to die in our place. God I give You my everything and I love You! Amen!